Hockey, P0wning N3wbs

I predict a riot.

A couple making out during the riots last year. Jealous!

Remember last year when the Vancouver Canucks lost to the Chicago Blackhawks? It was a great moment for my hometown. I don’t even like sports and I thought it was pretty cool that they won. Vancouver, however, reacted differently. No one likes a sore loser, but I guess by now Canadians don’t really mind how they’re received in the media since no one really pays attention to them anyway.

Rioting is so passe’. I feel like the last time I saw a riot was when I watched Beauty and the Beast. I will admit that Gaston was a strong and capable leader, but even as a child I remember thinking, do people really do this?

I guess Canada has a history of rioting–that’s why they were so good at it last year. They know how it’s done. In 1971, there were riots in Vancouver to demonstrate against the support of legalizing marijuana. These were called the Gastown Riots. I don’t know why they were called that, but I’ve learned to stop asking questions and that nothing makes sense here.

Perhaps the most retarded riot in history was in 2008. Montreal Canadiens hockey fans took to the streets to celebrate their big Stanley Cup win against the Boston Bruins. Windows were smashed, police cars were set on fire, etc. Don’t you have to be angry and fed up to riot? Destroying things seems like an okay way to celebrate, but wouldn’t your first reaction be to get a pizza, and not act like a feral animals? I think Canada is the real Planet of the Apes.

Okay I just found another hockey-related riot. In ’94 the Canucks lost to the New York Rangers. Between 50,000 and 75,000 people gathered in Vancouver and looted stores and broke windows. One guy was hit with a rubber bullet and was in a coma for 4 weeks. He probably got so skinny after that. I wish I could be in a coma for 4 weeks. That’s the perfect amount of time. I mean…

There are so many more examples of Canadian riots, but I refuse to write about how Guns and Roses sparked a riot. There’s also another Stanley Cup riot. Why haven’t they deemed the Stanley Cup too dangerous for Canadians to take place in? Imagine if they said Canadian teams couldn’t play in the Stanley Cup. That, my friends, would cause a a series of frenzied events with rabid countrymen. Or all of Canada might spontaneously combust.


Don Cherry

Can you guess which one is Don?

I have never watched this much Sport’s Center and Coach’s Corner in my life. Ever since I got married, sports are always on the TV and I think part of my soul is dead from it. Guys, just so you know, any girl that acts like she likes sports is trying to impress you. Sad but true. I’ve never acted like I liked sports, but I have acted like I was interested in games. Meanwhile, I just really wanted to go to the concession stand. And if a girl legitimately likes sports, then she has too much testosterone and might be a she-male. Just sayin.

The other night on Hockey Night in Canada (yep….thats a real show), I could not for the life of me look away from the screen. The commentator was this guy, Don Cherry, wearing the most ridiculous excuse for a suit. I guess he is known for his insane wardrobe choices, but come on. I loathe when people dress really weird for attention. Unless it’s Gaga, because lets be real, she started it.

Not only is this guy a complete eye sore, but he is so annoying. He’s loud and interrupt-y. Those are the same reasons why I could never live in NY. Because everyone there is like that. Try to picture a soft-spoken, relaxed New Yorker. You can’t. That’s because they don’t exist.  I feel uneasy after I watch 1 minute of The View. So you can probably understand why I already detest Don Cherry.

I guess he used to coach the Boston Bruins until every member of the team wanted to commit suicide and then he had to resign. I’m pretty sure that’s how it went.

The good part about Don Cherry however, is that his favorite part of hockey is the fighting. Which is my favorite part too. He has come out with compilation videos of the best fights of the season for 21 years. Impressive. They are called Don Cherry’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Hockeyand they come out every year around Christmas. How appropriate.

I can't even.