Dear Shia LaBeouf, Please Lay Off The Drugs

Most of you have probably heard by now that Shia LaBeouf was in Sigur Ros’ new “music video”. For those of you that don’t know, Sigur Ros is a creepy Icelandic band that has just made themselves 100 times creepier in my eyes. I can’t for the life of me name any of their songs. I don’t know what/who convinced Shia (aka my adolescent lover) to make such a weird career move, but alas, I am not responsible for him or his actions.

Shia’s climb up the popularity ladder started with the Disney channel sitcom Even Stevens. Everyone in my generation will admit that Even Stevens had moments of brilliance not to mention moments of hilarity. As young people, we get attached to shows that are by our side as we grow up. Even Stevens was one of these shows.  Unfortunately, Shia grew up, and so did we.

How could you deny this nostril-flared face?

As he moved away from TV, Shia started gravitating towards some pretty big film roles including but not limited to, I, Robot (never saw it), Constantine (eww I’m allergic to Keanu Reeves movies), Bobby ( did anyone see this?), Disturbia (sexy Shia make out scene), Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Old Harrison Ford, and like, eight Transformer movies. Yawn snore barf.

Now, the adult Shia feels the need to do interpretive dance moves naked. I just don’t understand. I mean, yeah, movie-wise things could’ve been better for Shi Shi. But they also didn’t have to take a nosedive into Icelandic waters. I’m hurt and confused as to why he would chose this path. I never thought I would see Shia’s peen. But now I have and there’s no going back. It’s seared into my brain for time and all eternity. Well, hopefully not all eternity. But for a while. Or at least until I have to look it up to refresh the image.

I can’t really even explain the clip. It’s not a music video because there’s barely any music. Granted, I didn’t watch the last 5 minutes so who knows. I stopped watching after Shia and the Icelandic chick were kidnapped and blindfolded and given lollipops. It was just too weird for me. Plus Shia had long greasy rapist hair and I just couldn’t deal. I miss my old Shia. I’m sorry that our paths didn’t cross. I could’ve saved your soul (Cue Jewel). Lily LaBeouf has a certain ring to it, dontcha think?

My Predictions For The New Season of Mad Men

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with AMC’s hit show Mad Men, but if you’re not, it’s about time to jump on the old bandwagon. Mad Men is definitely not my favorite show, however, I am not going to deny it’s sparks of greatness. This is how I think Season 5 is going to play out. There are going to be tons of spoilers, especially if my predictions are right.

1. Don Draper is going to cancel his wedding to that French Canadian chick with the freaky mouth. There’s no way he’s gonna get married. Don needs to live on his own and keep slutting it up with everyone in the office. I guess that only leaves Peggy though. And Peggy ain’t no slut. Except for that one time when she got pregnant.

2. Pete Campbell dies after being pushed off a building. Everyone in the show will eventually realize how annoying and pig-faced Pete is. Someone is bound to throw him down a sewer drain or in front of a train. He’s not even one of the partners in Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and they practically put every name possible in their business. Plus I’m so sick of seeing those creepy African animal drawings in his apartment.

Sorry 60's, but this is not art.

3. Salvatore comes back and makes Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce millions. They realize that he’s the only reason why their ads are great so they re-name the company Salvatore & Co. Salvatore ends up firing Cooper and Pryce because no one cares about them. And because one of them is old and the other is English.

4. Betty Draper gets lung cancer and dies. I mean, she smokes a lot. And she’s abusive to her kids. It’s not like anyone would miss her. Sally, Bobby, and baby Gene would go live with Don in his bachelor pad and that one artist lady would teach them how to paint and sell their work on the streets. The kids would eventually run away because, lets face it, no one likes painting. They would grow up to be the Boxcar Children from those books. Sally could have amounted to so much more.

5. Peggy eventually becomes a pot head beatnik and no one cares. She’s becoming too liberated and good at her job. The pot destroys her life and she ends up asking Salvatore to marry her. Salvatore tells her he’s gay and she says that’s okay.

6. Joanie and Roger Sterling have their baby. Joanie lets the baby use the pen that she always has around her neck as a teething device. He almost chokes to death and Joanie is arrested and spends the rest of the show in a woman’s prison. Roger is forced to take care of the child. It kind of resembles the plot of Charlie Chaplin’s The Kid, but it’s not funny, and the kid is really ugly because he inherited Joanie’s teeth. Oh and Joanie’s husband dies in the war or whatever.

What do you guys think? I might have gotten carried away, but I think there’s a chance of all this happening in once season. What are your predictions?