If I Won the Lottery…

Winning the lottery seems like everyone’s dream. To get rich quick, without having to do any work. The Mega Millions lottery was up to  $656 million last week. For all you simpletons out there, that’s a lot of moolah. My husband was saying, “Yeah, but the United States takes out taxes from your winnings, so you would only get half of that.” True. But I think I could somehow make $328 million go a long way. Damn you Canada for not taking taxes out of your lotto money.

This would be the break down of where my money would go if I won the lottery. I’m not going to calculate any exact amounts so all you math people can just chillax for a couple of minutes okay?

1. I would give 10% of it to my church and then 10% to my husband’s church. Seems like a large sum, but that’s how you get into heaven guys. If I won the lottery and got into heaven, I really wouldn’t have a lot to complain about, would I? A world without complaints from Lily? Seems like a pretty messed up place.

2. I would give a chunk to a charity–preferably one having to do with animal rescue. Maybe specific animals like big cats, or elephants or puppies. And then I could live my dream of being around all of my animals friends.  I should just go into the jungle, start wearing a diaper, and become Mowgli already.

Me and Baloo, just hanging.

3. I would buy a house for Paul and myself, and one for my parents and a condo for my broski. He doesn’t quite deserve house status yet. I would probably buy them somewhere sunny and warm. Southern style. Or Floridian beach style.

4. I would go on a shopping spree. Nothing too crazy, just some things that would make my wardrobe stand out a little more. Maybe buy a David Yurman ring…I don’t know. Just throwing ideas around.

5. Personal trainer and home chef. Two necessities that aren’t really necessary. It would be great to have people make you healthy meals instead of foraging around the kitchen for something to eat. I would actually hire Bob Harper, Jillian Michaels, or Gunnar Peterson as my personal trainer. I would sit them down and question them to see which one would work best for me.  I would probably pick Bob though just because he’s my lover.

Jillian and Bob fighting over me.

6. Start my own makeup or clothing line. Two very different things, but I take a real interest in both paths. Not that I am good at dressing myself, or applying makeup, but I would be interested in making my millions grow. (I’m going to be so depressed after I finish writing this and realize that I only have a million pennies to my name.)

7. Travel. Everywhere. Life is short. The world isn’t that big. Traveling is something that cultures you. Some of my favorite experiences have taken place abroad.

First stop, Santorini, Greece.

8. Just relax. Not having to work is a privilege. Spending some quality time with the fam, making memories.

What would you spend your money on if you won the Mega Millions lottery?

The Biggest Loser

There is nothing I love more than watching morbidly obese people exercise and get yelled at. I didn’t realize that I liked this so much until I started watching The Biggest Loser.

What I like about the show even more than watching the contestants battle to lose the most weight, are the coaches, Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels. Jillian isn’t actually on the show anymore. RIP Jillian. I mean, she didn’t technically die, but she’s dead to me now that she quit the show. She was my favorite coach because she would literally scream at the people on her team. She would make them cry. I have purchased all of her workout dvds in hopes that she would help me cry my way into weight loss. But nope. Her wizardry didn’t work on me. I must be too tough. Maybe I should join the army?

I'm going to army, mother.

The other coach, aka the love of my life, is Bob. His workout dvd’s actually made me sore. Hard core workout. But he used respect and kind words. Love conquers all, guys.

This season is really dramatic. There’s this ultimate biatch named Conda (I know) and she bothers me so much because she’s the biggest complainer of all time. And then she’ll act like she’s the best team member. She pisses me off a lot because she’s a loud and angry all the time. I hate that. That’s the exact reason why I’ll never live in New York. Isn’t everyone loud and angry there? She should just be grateful that she’s on the show. Hell, I want to be on the show. But even at my highest weight they wouldn’t accept me. So shut up CONDA.

I’ll just continue to sit on my couch and talk at the TV while stuffing my face with chips. I’ve actually thought about gaining an immense amount of weight just so I could go on the show and transform my body. Such a normal thought process.

This could be my future.