Even You Can Be Nominated for an Academy Award!

I’ve determined that every Best Actor and Actress has something in common. They pick roles that will shock people. They pick roles that are challenging. They pick roles that will make people love them because, deep down, they hate themselves so much. The least we can do is award them with some kind of trophy for all their hard work on top of their enormous salaries. We’re just the little people, after all.

If you want to go through all of the mess of going on auditions and getting discovered, go right ahead. That’s the hard stuff. If you want to find a role that will win you an Oscar, then you’ve come to the right place. Here are some tricks of the trade I’ve picked up from being an avid movie watcher:

Make yourself fugly. No one wants to be on the big screen and look awful, right? Well, if you do, The Academy will most likely consider you “brave” and nominate you for one thing or another. For example, look at Anne Hathaway’s choice this year. She could’ve opted for a different role, but she chose the shave-your-head-snot-dripping-crying role. I can’t get over her bravery.

Ew ew ew.

Others that have won or been nominated for awards by making themselves gross are: John Hurt (The Elephant Man), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler), Charlize Theron (Monster), Gabourey Sidibe (Precious).

Side note: I realize that Mr. Rourke and Ms. Sidibe already looked like that before their roles, but still. They’re on the list.

Go insane. Crazy characters are always fun to watch. There’s nothing better than a good old fashioned break-down. I believe that in order to play someone who goes off the deep end, you’ve had to have experience of it yourself. Just keep that in mind.

Examples of expert crazies: Vivien Leigh (A Streetcar Named Desire), Bette Davis (Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?), Ellen Burstyn (Requiem for a Dream), Natalie Portman (Black Swan).

Hey all girls! Whadda know?!

The old switcheroo. To show The Academy what an amazing skill set you have, try portraying the other sex. This should prove difficult even for the best of them. If you go through with it though, you’ll no doubt be awarded for your talent. I mean, even Gwyneth Paltrow won for dressing up as a guy in Shakespeare in Love. Is that really Oscar quality? No. But she dressed up as a boy so it’s fine.

So convincing.

Other examples of people that can play the opposite gender well are: Hillary Swank (Boys Don’t Cry), Dustin Hoffman (Tootsie), Jaye Davidson (The Crying Game).

Mental disability fall-back. This type of role is tried and true. It’s basically a guarantee that you will win an award for playing someone “special”. It’s also a guarantee that someone is going to comment on this post and tell me that I’m being offensive. I’m just being brave, okay?!

Examples of people that were itching for an Oscar: Billy Bob Thornton (Sling Blade), Dustin Hoffman (Rain Man), Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump), Sean Penn (I Am Sam).

Oh look, all men. This type of role seems to come easy to them.

Holocaust roles. Everyone knows how disturbing the Holocaust was, yet for some reason we like to keep reliving it by watching movies about it. For those of us who didn’t get a chance to actually be there, it’s a great way to see what really happened, right?

Examples of these challenging and brave roles: Roberto Benigni (Life is Beautiful) Liam Neeson (Schindler’s List), Adrien Brody (The Pianist).

If all else fails, try to morph into Daniel Day Lewis.

Les Miserables Moments That My Mind Can’t Erase

When I really look forward to a movie, I’ll build it up in my mind, imagining a perfect show. Les Miserables gave me great expectations. With an all-star cast, great songs, and Anne Hathaway in tears, how could this movie not be amazing? And for the most part, it was really good. There were just a few things that my mind had trouble getting past. I concentrated so much on these minor movie details that these are now my only memories of the film.

Eponine’s Waist. An important character in the story is Eponine, a girl in love with a guy who doesn’t really notice her. She sings one of the best songs in the entire movie, so props to her. The thing is, I don’t even know what her face looked like because I couldn’t see anything past her belted mannequin-esque wasit. It’s not even that she looked unhealthy, it’s just that her waist is abnormally tiny. She should’ve composed a song about her body structure rather than her crush.

Can we have a moment of silence for this waist?

Cockney Accents. Okay, I know that the film is spoken (or sang) in English and most of the characters have British accents because we’re used to it. They do this with most period pieces even if they don’t take place in England. But some of the characters in the film tried to do a French accent (snaps for Sacha Baron Cohen!) and it’s confusing because most of the characters had proper British and even cockney accents! I don’t remember any Cockneys in early 19th century Paris. If all of the actors in the movie are as great as we accredit them to be, then shouldn’t they be able to do a French accent as well as sing?

Helena Bonham Carter is Type-Cast as Dirty. At this point, I cannot name a movie where Helena Bonham Carter isn’t unkempt in one way or another. Even on the red carpet it looks like she might have yesterday’s makeup on or something. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of HBC and I think she has mad skills. I have to applaud her for her recent love of singing what with Sweeney Todd and now Les Mis. But I wish she would class up her act and stop being so grungy.

Look how clean she used to be in her Lady Jane days.

Amanda Seyfried has the Voice of an Angel. I actually don’t care for Amanda Seyfried that much–I don’t care for any actress that takes off their clothes for a role. I mean, to each his own, but seriously, just no. I hate most actresses, is what I’m trying to say. Anyway, in the movie, Ms. Seyfried’s character Cosette not only gets to marry the hottie Marius (Eddie Redmayne), but she also has a voice that makes me hate her. If I could sing like that I would sing lullabies to myself. Although in high school, my choir teacher gave me a trophy and said I had the voice of an angel. I was an angel who couldn’t read sheet music and had to listen to the other people singing around me and copy them. So angelic.

Russel Crowe = Snoozefest. I forgot how boring the part of Javert could be before I saw Russel Crowe act it out on the big screen. Javert is the antagonist to Jean Valjean’s (Hugh Jackman) protagonist. Javert just wants to serve the law and make sure everyone is punished for their crimes. He manages to sing about this over and over and it’s like, DUDE WE GET IT. Another thing that bugged me were the locations that he chose to vocalize his thoughts. He would randomly sing on the top of buildings,  the ledges of bridges, and in alleyways. Figure your life out, Javert.

In my head, this is the entire movie/musical summed up. I urge you to see the movie and test yourself to look past these details. Lets compare notes–which were your most memorable scenes/characters/events?

Top 1000

Gift from the gods.

Last night I reached 1000 views on my blog! Just so you know, I played no part in 994 of those views. I feel like this joyous moment should be commemorated with my list of 1000’s.  I do not have 1000 items on this list, and its definitely not a “1000 things to do before you die” type of thing. Its just a compilation of things in life that contain the number 1000.

I’m pretty sure I’ve missed 1000 days of class Kindergarten-Undergrad. School is just so…mundane.

There are definitely 1000 people that I can’t stand. I will name 20 just so you get an idea. Susan Sarandon, Joy Behar, Guiliana Rancic, Kris Humphries, LuAnn de Lesseps, Teresa Guidice, Casey Anthony, Bono, Julianne Moore, Martha Stewart, Jennifer Aniston, Kristen Stewart, Kelly Ripa, Kelly Bensimon, George Lopez, Alison Pill, Dakota Fanning, Jenna Fischer, Anne Hathaway, Blake Lively.

The profusion of 1000 flowers to make the smell of Flowerbomb perfume by Viktor & Rolf. Come to think of it, I use 1000 sprays daily.

The number of times I have been to Disney World.

The amount of calories I usually eat in 5 minutes.

How many steps I won’t be taking on a walk today.

The number of strange dogs I have pet.

How much I weigh. Yep, in pounds.

The time when Paul said David Gray’s album was in his top 1000 albums. Hahahaa

Number of times that Avril Lavigne’s teeth have mesmerized me.

Times I have watched Clueless. And Titanic.

Barbie’s I have given a haircut.

Number of sports I don’t like.

Number of bugs that freak me out.

The amount of tater tots I can eat.

The amount of times I have randomly burst into tears.

How many times I wish I wasn’t washing dishes.

The number of Pokemon I wish were real.

Times I wished I looked like Frida Pinto.

Times I’ve laughed at my own jokes.