How To Lose Weight Fast!

Something that both men and women struggle with is losing weight. Almost all of us want to lose those last 5, 10, or 20 pounds. Life is hard enough already. Why should we be uncomfortable in our skin as well? I’ve come up with some creative solutions to losing weight without having to exercise or eat healthy. You’re welcome.

1. Chop off a limb.This might sound scary, but I’m pretty sure that you can get a doctor to do it for you. If not, just place your arm or leg in dry ice and it should fall right off. I mean, it might be a little painful, but isn’t going to the gym painful too? Yes! And just think, you can still eat whatever you want! Stop thinking about burning calories and start thinking about burning limbs! These days you really only need one arm or one leg any way. AND if you’re satisfactory at any sport, you could totes win a Paralypmics medal!

Pick a limb, any limb.

2. Get a tapeworm. I’ve been attracted to this form of weight loss for a while. It’s almost too good to be true. You don’t have to exercise, and you can literally eat anything and everything you want. Because none of your food will be digested. The tapeworm that lives inside your intestine will eat all of the food that you’ve eaten and save you from all the cals. So thoughtful! To acquire a tapeworm, all you have to do is eat raw meat. Or become super unhygienic. Either one is a small price to pay for a quick weight loss. And then, once you’ve reached your goal weight, the doctor can remove it for you. You’ll probs have tons of stitches and have to be bedridden for a month, so think about all the extra weight you’ll lose!

3. Move to Africa. Everyone is supes skinny there. Granted, they’re dying of starvation. But like, I feel like Africa doesn’t have the best food so it would be hard to find a good meal. What if you had to hunt for food and you killed a lion for it’s meat, but then you got arrested because poaching is illegal? Then you’d be in jail and they’d feed you close to nothing. Any way you slice it, Africa is a win/lose situation. You’re winning while you’re losing weight.

4. Personal Chef.Hiring a personal chef is a good way to eat healthy without having to think about it. Sure, it cost money, but what doesn’t? If you don’t lose weight immediately, having a personal chef also gives you someone to blame. It always feels better when you can blame someone else for your own shortcomings.

Forcing your personal chef to wear a chef’s uniform is also a lot of fun.

5. The Hollywood Diet. If you must lose weight the old fashioned way, through diet and exercise, then maybe you should try out the skeletor…ehm Hollywood Diet! Try eating celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Only drink water. That way, you’ll be ingesting about 50 calories a day. Combined with rigorous exercise, you should be losing 5 pounds a day. This is a quick fix. If you can’t maintain this diet for your entire life, then you really need to do some re-evaluating.

Hope these quick fixes helped! I’d love to see all of your before and after pictures! Especially from anyone who chooses to remove a limb.

Ska Fest

Last night I ended up going to Ska Fest with Paul and a couple of friends. Ska Fest is exactly what it sounds like–a fest of ska music. I wouldn’t say I listen to ska often, I like a lot of new wave music, and I would say that ska falls under that category, but I’ve never thought, Hmm I really feel like listening to ska right now.

We saw Blitz the Ambassador perform. Never heard of them? Yeah me either, but it was actually really good and fun to dance to. I was pleasantly surprised because I’m one of those people who goes to concerts to listen to music they already know. I don’t like discovering new bands live. For some reason I reserve live shows for bands that I love and respect. But it’s weird because every time I end up going to a show of a group that I’ve never heard of, I fall in love with them.

Blitz the Ambassador

The best part, as per usual was the crowd. So many judgments were made! It was hard for me to concentrate because my head was spinning in the midst of all the freak shows!

First of all, you know how concerts always smell like booze, cigarettes, and sweat? This place reeked of weed and the worst B.O. I’ve ever smelled. And we were OUTSIDE. You would think all of the odors would be carried away by the breeze, but nope. It was a cloud of smelly pot. But I could look past it because everyone was having so much fun.

80% of the crowd was sporting dreadlocks. It reminded me of high school. I think I would get frustrated having my hair being a tangled, matted mess. BUT it would be nice because you could use them as a pillow. I bet people who have dreads sleep really well because they have double the head-padding. Double the pleasure, double the fun.

I distinctly remember this one girl who was kind of off to the side of the general audience and she was dancing like no one was watching. And I don’t think anyone besides me was watching. I was transfixed. She literally stretched out before the band started playing. Whenever she would turn her head, her gigantic earrings would come around a whip her in the face. She had no shoes on so her feet were black. So beautiful. She was like the Black Swan of Ska Fest.

Overall, Victoria’s 13th Annual Ska Fest was a success (for me, anyway). I’m glad I went! Next week is Victoria Buskers Festival…so expect a blog on street performers and how creepy they are!

Mickey D’s

I'm not lovin this.

McDonald’s is everywhere. Most children are introduced to McDonald’s when they leave the womb. Lets be real: McDonald’s is the best worst food ever. The only places that have a lack of Micky D’s goodness are Greenland, the Middle East, and pretty much all of Africa (but they barely have clothes so lets cut them some slack……….or lets not. I’m pretty sure some McDonald’s locations would solve their AIDS prob).

In all of the countries that I’ve visited, I was not surprised when I saw the popular chain make an appearance. They’re all pretty much the same, but I’ve heard a rumor that McDonald’s in Japan have sushi!  And we can’t forget about the Royale with Cheese. And I guess in the German locations they serve beer. Which seems illegal and fun.

None of these changes bother me as much as what Canada does to their McDonald’s. In the middle of the Golden Arches, Canada has decided to put a tiny maple leaf. Was that really necessary? No other country does that with their flag. All of the countries in the world (besides the losers–I’m talking to you Greenland) bond by having the same restaurant. I think that’s what Winston Churchill was talking about when he mentioned our “Special Relationship”.

But once again Canada ruined it. Really though? When I caught a glimpse of that maple leaf I think I did a quadruple take. It just seems un-American. Oh wait.