My Favorite Movie Kids

I would’ve posted this piece to my other blog Kidz Showz, but it didn’t seem appropriate. Especially since some of the “kids” might be 20 and others might be from R-rated movies. Kidz Showz is a pure blog and I don’t want to be the one who tarnishes it. Although, it’s tarnished in many, many other ways.

The following names are some of my favorite weird kids from movies (not TV!):

Clifford from the movie Clifford. I don’t care who judges me, I think Martin Short plays a pretty funny adolescent. I always liked Clifford because he behaved sweetly in front of adults, but tormented his Uncle Martin to no end. Clifford is the definition of passive-aggressive, which is hilarious if you don’t have to deal with that kind of behavior in real life. He also has a green dinosaur toy named Stephen as his companion throughout the movie.

Dawn Wiener from the movie Welcome to the Doll House. Perhaps one of the most tragic souls of all is Dawn Wiener aka Wienerdog. The kids at school torment her to no end, calling her “lesbo” and “dog face”, which prove to supply her with names to call her little sister. She has a crush on one of the members of her older brother’s band, has the saddest fashion sense of all time, and cuts the heads of off her sister’s barbie dolls. She’s basically my idol.

Harold from the movie Harold and Maude. Harold isn’t technically a kid, but he’s a great character. And he’s also pretty young compared to his movie counterpart Maude. Harold is a privileged only child who enjoys cemeteries, funerals, and faking his own suicide. His life is revolved around death until he meets Maude, lover of life. Maude teaches Harold how to be carefree and happy. They save trees, walk through fields of daisies, and sing together.

Marcus Brewer from the movie About A Boy. Marcus is the definition of odd-ball but only because his vegan mother raised him that way. He sports a bowl-cut, sings with his eyes closed, and tries to find happiness in his life even though his mother recently attempted suicide. Luckily he meets Will, an adult with no responsibilities, living the easy life. Hesitant at first, Will spends time with Marcus and gets to know the cool kid that’s deep inside him.

Matilda from the movie Matilda. It was between Matilda and Sara from The Little Princess. But Sara was too normal. Matilda was abnormal in that she had special powers that helped her survive her crappy school and even crappier family. But much like Sara, Matilda was sugary sweet and a bit daring. In this Roald Dahl classic, Matilda’s world is filled with people who are self-centered (her parents, her principal…almost all the adults in the movie) until she meets her teacher Miss Honey. This semi-dark children’s story taught me that if you’re blessed with magic powers, everything will eventually turn out fine.

Who are some of your favorite movie kids?

Potential Jobs

I’ve never really had a real job before. I’ve done a lot of babysitting and my fair share of volunteering, but never a real, certified job. People often ask me what it is that I do and I usually say “nothing” or “sit around” and that ends the conversation. And all future interest in my life.

The only person that would understand my position is Hugh Grant’s character, Will, from About A Boy. In the movie, Will lived off the royalties of his father’s one-hit music career. His love interest asked him what he did for a living, to which he answered “nothing.” I have to keep reminding myself that people are super jealous of me every time someone looks unamused when I say that I don’t have to get up at 7 am. Or ever.

So here’s a list of potential jobs that I actually would be interested in. I’m hopeful that something related to the following list will pop up in my area.

Laser Tag Patrol. If you’ve never played laser tag, you can just get outta my face because you clearly don’t understand the meaning of life. For those of you who have partaken in the sweet enterprise that is laser tag, you know that there are people who hold you in a room and explain how to use your guns and tell you not to run. Being a seasoned tagger, I know that you simply cannot explain to people that they can’t run. They won’t obey you. If I were an employee, I would not only tell the players not to run, but I would trip them if they did. Serves them right for being disobedient. See, if I worked there, not only would you end up getting a good game of laser tag, you would be taking away life lessons as well.

Even if he wasn’t running, I would trip this guy just for the hell of it.

Making movie soundtracks. I’m really good at making mixes. It’s like a gift. One of my friends asked me to make her a mix the other day because she knows that my skills are that good. See, I’m already being commissioned! I haven’t done it yet, but that’s not the point. I really have an ear for what sets a certain mood or scene or time period. I like to think that I know what songs compliment each other. No one wants a soundtrack that doesn’t flow. Maybe I could work in Apple’s Genius division in deciding which bands would go well together. You know that trick on itunes when you buy something and it’s like, “Oh you’ll probably like this band too!” I wonder how many people go on crazy itunes shopping sprees because Apple keeps leading them to music that they might like. Whenever Apple recommends something for me I ignore it. You don’t know me. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE, APPLE.

Professional Animal Playtime Specialist. I really love animals. I love playing with them and rolling around with them. They make life so much better. I love big cats like lions and tigers. I hope to someday hug a lion. If it hugs me before I get mauled, it still counts right? I think in heaven we’ll get to live freely with all of the animals in the world. That’s the only  drive I have for going to heaven. I know that animals will be there. Being a Professional Animal Playing Specialist means that I would get to play with the animals and do nothing else. No cleaning up after them, or studying their behavior. Just playtime. I would definitely deem myself a professional AND specialist because I’m just that good.

I’ve used this picture almost 100 times in this blog. Okay 3 times.

Sleep Study Guinea Pig. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that being paid to nap would be awesome. Napping is the best thing ever. The little girl I babysit doesn’t like naps. I wish I could say “Okay, I’ll take a nap for you, and you can go take care of your brother.” Apparently that’s not the way it works. I have nothing in my brain to hide. It wouldn’t bother me if someone studied my brain and took pictures of it while I slept soundly. Sounds like a dream. No pun intended. Puns are gross.

If you hear of any openings of the type of jobs I described, please contact me. I would be willing to move everything for a job that I love and that I excel in.