Judgement Day

If you haven’t noticed, judging is one of my favorite pastimes. Sometimes I just can’t help it. If I’m in a location where there’s abundant people-watching, I’m not going to look down at my soda and pretend nothing is happening. Some of my fondest memories have occurred on park benches just observing others. And then making fun of them in one way or another. Not to their faces obviously, that’s way too gutsy. And cruel. But, I guess you’ve gotta be cruel to be kind (in the right measure).

When Paul and I were at the hockey game, we were looking around our area, checkin’ out what kind of motley crew we had to deal with for an hour or so. We made a great sighting. There was this guy, a couple rows in front of us, who had 9 fingers. Fingers are so precious. Could you imagine missing one? It was the ring finger on his left hand. So I guess technically it doesn’t get that much use. Unless you’re married. But I have to wonder how he lost it. I thought about going up to him and asking “Hey mister, how’d you lose your finger?” but then there’s the chance of being judged by the person that you were judging, and that’s just the worst. So I just continued to glance over nonchalantly for the rest of the game. If I had to guess, I would say that he lost it in some kind of shop class. But then how would he still have his pinky? Either shop class or gangrene.

I was walking around the other day, just minding my own business, and then I saw I guy with a fanny pack. I don’t even like to see girls wear fanny packs. I used to have this roommate from Maui and she always wore a fanny pack but she made it look so cool. I think she wore it ironically though, and at that time I didn’t really understand the beginning of hipsters. I just thought she was being cool and unique. Now she’s a lesbian I think. Ahh so cool! Anyway, guys that wear fanny packs are weird. Just don’t. Carry a man-purse or something. Fanny packs just add extra girth to you. I remember when I was at Disney World in the late 90’s, I wore a fanny pack with a tamagaochi key chained to it. Stylin!

Lastly, at the mall I saw what I thought was a man with a mullet holding a baby. It was a woman. Women should not have mullets. Kind of like how men should not wear fanny packs. More importantly, women with mullets should not breed. Poor little future mullet-ed baby. There are so many ways to cut your hair. Or just go into a salon where you will guaranteed not walk out with business in the front and a party in the back. Yikes.

Stuff like this makes the idea of not leaving my house sound so amazing.