Note to Self: Running Stinks.

I don’t know why I insist on pretending that I’m athletic. For some reason I bought a volleyball last weekend. What am I going to do with a volleyball by myself? Nothing, that’s what. I also kind of ran a 10k last weekend. And by ran, I mean jog/walked. 10ks are really hard. They’re like, 6 miles of pure pain and wishing that things would end. I even prayed that there would be a Rapture just so I wouldn’t have to continue running.

Paul and his sister like to run. His sister recently participated in a 10k before I left for home. When I came back to Victoria, the weather was super nice and they wanted to jog around a lake that measured out to a 10k. I agreed to go with them, thinking I would just putz around and hopefully get tan. Paul told me that I should run until I felt like I was half way done with whatever amount that I wanted to run, and then turn around. He warned me that there was no way of getting back to where we parked unless I ran the whole thing or turned around. There wasn’t any shortcut. Unless I wanted to swim through the lake. No thanks.

I turned on my music and started to jog, as one does. Paul and his sister got farther and farther away until they were out of my sight. That’s when I held onto my key tightly, ya know, just in case anyone tried to rape me or anything. Keys are surprisingly great weapons. If someone attacks you, just jam it into their eyeball, or throat. That’s what I would do. Not that I’m a pro on getting raped or anything. When I was running, I played out a whole scenario in my head–someone knocking me down, me cutting up their face with my key, and then me kicking them in the head while they’re down. My parents think I should invest in some boxing classes because it seems like I need to get some aggression out. I have no idea what they’re talking about.

The good thing about using a key, is that you also have your rapist’s DNA. I’ve thought about this way too much.

A little bit into my run I saw a marker that said “6k”. I was so happy! Wow, I’m like, REALLY good at running 10ks! Maybe this is my thing. Paul and his sister will be so impressed with me! So I kept jogging. I slowed down a lot, but I kept it up. I saw the sign for “8k” and looked to my left. I could see the point where I started exactly across the lake. Hmm The lake must be longer on one side. I only have 2k left to run, it’ll be fine, I thought. At this point I was running in bursts. I would set little goals like, run to that tree, or run until this song finishes. And then I would allow myself little breaks.

I was getting super tired. Maybe 10ks weren’t for me. This course also offered a lot of obstacles. There were bikers, dogs, horses (!), horse poop, tree roots jutting out from the ground, etc. Oh and rapists, obviously. Eventually I reached a sign that said “10k”. Yes! After this last kilometer, I will be back to where I started. I decided to run without stopping. I wanted to have a strong finish! So I kept running and running and then I saw a sign that said “2k”. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Was I trapped running around this lake for the rest of my life?! Did I take a wrong turn and end up at some other lake? My ipod was almost out of juice. This was not a good situation. My legs hurt every time I tried to make an effort to jog.

I eventually got back to where we parked. No one told me that we started at the 4k mark though. WOULD’VE BEEN SLIGHTLY HELPFUL. I figured that Paul and company would have sent out a rescue squad since I’d been gone for an hour and twenty minutes. Not a bad 10k time considering I walked a lot of it! I saw Paul and his sister walking to the car. Did I finish at the same time as them? Am I a better runner than I thought? Nope. Paul sprained his ankle trying to avoid a drain that was jutting out of the ground. When he stepped around it, his foot landed in a ditch. He hobbled the last 2k of the loop and he still beat me.

Side note: There was a race going on while we were running. Not just a normal race though, an “Ultra Race”. Competitors would run around the lake 8 times. That’s an 80k. Which converts to 49.7 miles. There’s no one that I hate more than the people that would pass me, sprinting around the lake for their 8th time.

Strange Characters

I feel like I’m an observant person. Since moving to Victoria, I’ve seen some pretty colorful folks. Some of them I see every day! Or at least once a week. These “characters” set the scene in my normal, everyday life in Victoria. It’s like I’m Belle from Beauty and the Beast, “There goes the baker with his tray like always–the same old bread and rolls to sell. Every morning just the same, since the morning that we came to this poor Provincial town…” I guess our town isn’t poor, but it is part of a province! I can relate to Beauty and the Beast on a whole new level now.

But seriously. Where’s the baker? I’m starving.

Lets start with Crazy Dachshund Guy. This guy has 3 dachshunds and he walks them all at the same time. Thus making him “crazy”. He’s pretty hard to miss. He never trips over his pups. It’s surprising how graceful he is, really. I would never own a dachshund solely because I cannot, for the love of all that is holy, figure out how to pronounce the word dachshund. I usually say docks-hund really fast and hope that no one calls me out on it. Apparently it’s pronounced dahks-huunt. I guess I’m not that far off. It still gives me anxiety so I just call them wiener dogs and hope that I don’t offend anyone. Plus, I get the pleasure of bringing the word wiener into the conversation.

The Moka House Coffee Crew and The Starbucks Coffee Crew. I’m referring to the people who sit outside of these coffee shops and people watch. I’m almost certain that these people have no jobs. They will eyeball you for the duration that it takes to walk past each establishment. We all know Starbucks is a chain that everyone loves. People at SBucks love to judge. People at Moka House are even worse. They want people to see them judging you. At least people at Starbucks are secretive…kinda. Basically, in Victoria you’re either a Moka House-r or a Starbucks-er. I play both sides. Can’t everyone just get along? Moka House is definitely the worst though because they have an awning to sit under and judge passersby even when it’s raining. You can’t beat that.

Schizophrenic “The World Is Ending” Guy. Twice a week this guy stands on the corner of our street covered in signs that casually mention the Earth being melted by lava. Where is this lava coming from? All of his signs have to do with either fire or lava. I think he does a lot of research because he always cites a Bible verse at the bottom of each one. “The Universe will be engulfed in flames. John 10 :2” Ummm, Crazy Face? I’m pretty sure John didn’t say that. He shouts at cars a lot. Whenever I see him , I make sure to walk to the other side of the street. If I didn’t, I’d probably end up getting in a Bible fight with him. Which would consist of me, throwing a Bible at his head.

“I’ll show you fire” Leviticus 21:5

Prance-y Jogger Guy/Girl. There’s this jogger that literally trots around like he’s a Lipizzan stallion. I’m 75% sure it’s a guy. Short hair, petite, really tan. It could go either way. Let’s just pretend it’s a guy because it’s funnier that way. He prances a lot. I study his method whenever I see him “jogging”. And by study, I mean that I drop whatever I’m doing and literally stare him down. It’s fascinating. Paul and I have tried to re-create the majestic way in which he dances along, but it cannot be copied. It’s almost too perfect. Also, it seems to work as a really good weight loss program since this guy has little to no body fat. I would try his approach, but I have this thing called dignity. And not to mention a reputation to uphold.

Those are just some of the characters that I see everyday. It’s perfectly normal to be jealous of my life.