Hockey Night With Lily

I agreed to go to a hockey game with my husband Paul last night. He probably would’ve had more fun with one of his friends, but what’s more fun than hanging out with me? Almost anything. Here are some highlights from the game:

Me: Let’s get some popcorn.

Me: If our team loses will you be sad?

Paul: Yes.

Me: I’m getting really good at singing O Canada.

Me: Look at that kid with his shirt off. He’s awesome.

Me: Omg look, he put the popcorn bucket on his head. I love him.

Me: Guess what?

Paul: What?

Me: Only 39 minutes until the game is over.

Paul: You’re fun.

Me: Lol jk.

Me: But seriously…

Me: Let’s get some hot chocolate.

Paul: Sweet boots. You look so dumb. (Talking about my Ugg boots)

Some little girl: Um excuse me, I really like your boots. I like that they have a zipper.

Me: At least someone appreciates me.

Me: Why don’t they ever put the Kiss Cam on us? How rude.

Me: Uh oh. We’re losing. Are you sad?

Paul: Yes.

Me: Have the referees ever gotten in the way of the players?

Paul: Yeah, all the time.

Me: That’s annoying.

Me: Please don’t go into over time. Please don’t go into over time. Please don’t go into over time.

Me: I will literally sacrifice my first born if this game doesn’t go into over time.

Turns out I have to sacrifice my first born. We lost 3-5. Bummer. I am so sad about it. Really broken up. The good news is, there’s one little girl in Canada who has good taste in boots. Bad news is I’ll probably end up going to another hockey game some time this year.

I predict a riot.

A couple making out during the riots last year. Jealous!

Remember last year when the Vancouver Canucks lost to the Chicago Blackhawks? It was a great moment for my hometown. I don’t even like sports and I thought it was pretty cool that they won. Vancouver, however, reacted differently. No one likes a sore loser, but I guess by now Canadians don’t really mind how they’re received in the media since no one really pays attention to them anyway.

Rioting is so passe’. I feel like the last time I saw a riot was when I watched Beauty and the Beast. I will admit that Gaston was a strong and capable leader, but even as a child I remember thinking, do people really do this?

I guess Canada has a history of rioting–that’s why they were so good at it last year. They know how it’s done. In 1971, there were riots in Vancouver to demonstrate against the support of legalizing marijuana. These were called the Gastown Riots. I don’t know why they were called that, but I’ve learned to stop asking questions and that nothing makes sense here.

Perhaps the most retarded riot in history was in 2008. Montreal Canadiens hockey fans took to the streets to celebrate their big Stanley Cup win against the Boston Bruins. Windows were smashed, police cars were set on fire, etc. Don’t you have to be angry and fed up to riot? Destroying things seems like an okay way to celebrate, but wouldn’t your first reaction be to get a pizza, and not act like a feral animals? I think Canada is the real Planet of the Apes.

Okay I just found another hockey-related riot. In ’94 the Canucks lost to the New York Rangers. Between 50,000 and 75,000 people gathered in Vancouver and looted stores and broke windows. One guy was hit with a rubber bullet and was in a coma for 4 weeks. He probably got so skinny after that. I wish I could be in a coma for 4 weeks. That’s the perfect amount of time. I mean…

There are so many more examples of Canadian riots, but I refuse to write about how Guns and Roses sparked a riot. There’s also another Stanley Cup riot. Why haven’t they deemed the Stanley Cup too dangerous for Canadians to take place in? Imagine if they said Canadian teams couldn’t play in the Stanley Cup. That, my friends, would cause a a series of frenzied events with rabid countrymen. Or all of Canada might spontaneously combust.

Sledge Hockey

He's doing a good job of pretending he likes being attached to a sled.

If you live in Canada, you have no excuse not to play hockey. Even if you don’t have legs, this country will find a way for you to play hockey. I present to you, sledge hockey.

I saw a commercial ( Have you noticed that the only way I find out info is from TV? I’M SO EMBARRASSED! Not.) with people playing sledge hockey. At first I laughed, because that’s what I do when I see something weird or different. I immediately make fun of it. But then I realized that these people are handicapped and just trying to have some fun. They’re probably having more fun than I am sitting in front of the TV.

I think sledge hockey has different rules than regular hockey. I would look them up and tell you the differences, but that means I would have to look up the generic rules to hockey just to understand the sledge hockey rules. And I refuse to do that.  So just trust me when I say they’re different.

Interesting fact: in the United States, we refer to it as sled hockey. This makes more sense because the players are on little sleds. It snowed while I was in Canterbury, England (England shuts down when it snows. People literally do not know how to function. It’s bordering on retarded behavior.) and I remember that everyone wanted to go “sledging.” My response was always, “Whaaa?” “Come again?” or the ever-popular “Ew.”

So now I’m totally buggin. If cappers (handicapped people) can play hockey, then I seriously need to get into some sort of sport. I feel like I don’t have many options besides running in circles. Team sports terrify me. I hate the idea that others are depending on me. Any ideas would be appreciated. Any bad ideas earn you a virtual kick to the groin.

Don Cherry

Can you guess which one is Don?

I have never watched this much Sport’s Center and Coach’s Corner in my life. Ever since I got married, sports are always on the TV and I think part of my soul is dead from it. Guys, just so you know, any girl that acts like she likes sports is trying to impress you. Sad but true. I’ve never acted like I liked sports, but I have acted like I was interested in games. Meanwhile, I just really wanted to go to the concession stand. And if a girl legitimately likes sports, then she has too much testosterone and might be a she-male. Just sayin.

The other night on Hockey Night in Canada (yep….thats a real show), I could not for the life of me look away from the screen. The commentator was this guy, Don Cherry, wearing the most ridiculous excuse for a suit. I guess he is known for his insane wardrobe choices, but come on. I loathe when people dress really weird for attention. Unless it’s Gaga, because lets be real, she started it.

Not only is this guy a complete eye sore, but he is so annoying. He’s loud and interrupt-y. Those are the same reasons why I could never live in NY. Because everyone there is like that. Try to picture a soft-spoken, relaxed New Yorker. You can’t. That’s because they don’t exist.  I feel uneasy after I watch 1 minute of The View. So you can probably understand why I already detest Don Cherry.

I guess he used to coach the Boston Bruins until every member of the team wanted to commit suicide and then he had to resign. I’m pretty sure that’s how it went.

The good part about Don Cherry however, is that his favorite part of hockey is the fighting. Which is my favorite part too. He has come out with compilation videos of the best fights of the season for 21 years. Impressive. They are called Don Cherry’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Hockeyand they come out every year around Christmas. How appropriate.

I can't even.

Hockey Night

Would you seriously want a hug from this thing?

A couple of weeks ago Paul’s family and my mom and I all went to a hockey game here in Victoria. Apparently they have a new team, the Royals, who replaced their old team, the Salmon Kings (…I know. wtf). Obviously these are not professional hockey games, but they’re still fun to attend because these are the kind of teams that the NHL drafts from. They are definitely enjoyable to watch.

After finding our seats, I asked Paul how long the game would be. That is always my first question at any sporting event. How long am I in this for? And how many times can I get food before people start staring?

It was a pretty typical game besides this huge beaver mascot that kept walking around and creeping everyone out. A beaver mascot doesn’t even make sense for a team called the Royals. Shouldn’t they have like, a griffin or a lion? Preferably something more majestic than a beaver. Paul was telling me that the Salmon Kings had a Salmon as their mascot. I mean, that seems obvious. But then I started picturing it in my head. Slightly phallic. So I guess the beaver isn’t so bad.

Within the last 15 minutes of the game there were probably 5 fights. It was pretty much the highlight of the game only because the referees just sat there and watched like everyone else.  If anything, I think they encourage the fights.  But I have to hand it to my fellow Victorians. They were super pumped for this minor league game. Even though the Royals lost, I was really excited too–really excited to go to sleep.