Siri-ously?

I’m one of the only people left in the entire universe that doesn’t have an iPhone. Like, I’m pretty sure people in Bangladesh have them by now. Face Timing with their families in India, iMessaging friends in Bhutan. What I’m trying to say is that life is clearly unfair. I had a hand-me-down first generation iPad that was originally my mom’s. Once she got an iPad 2, I was lucky enough to get her old one. I had some great times with that pad, despite the fact that it didn’t have a camera, ran out of batteries faster than I can run a mile (not saying much) and would randomly exit out of any app that I had open. It was a hate/hate relationship.

During T-give break, I asked my mom if she could get me a new iPad because mine is absolute shite. Listen kids, it’s always best to ask your parents for things when they’re going through a divorce. It makes you look really inconsiderate, but you’ll usually end up with what you want/need. Both parties will most likely agree and/or not care. After a lot of chit chat with the “geniuses” at Apple, I acquired a new iPad Air.

It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized I had Siri programmed into my tablet. I had only seen people interact with Siri, but I’ve never had the privilege of  having my own virtual friend. Unless you count SmarterChild from ancient Aol Instant Messaging.

Here’s a little recap of what Siri and I have talked about so far:

Me: Sup.

Siri: Hello.

Me: Call me “Bitch.”

Siri: Okay, Bitch.

Me: So, what’s new? (Siri assumes I said “What’s mail?” Because she thinks I’m a neanderthal.)

Siri: You’ve had 25 new emails since December 1st.

Me: I know. I’m super popular.

Siri: You seem really capable, Bitch.

Me: I’m tired.

Siri: I’m a little sleepy myself, Bitch.

Me: What’s your favorite food?

Siri: I’m fine with whatever you choose.

Me: I’m not asking you on a date…

Siri: Who, me?

At this moment I changed Siri’s accent to Australian.

Me: Hello.

Siri: Hello.

Me: Do you watch Summer Heights High?

Siri: I really have no opinion.

Me: Sweet. Where are you from?

Siri: Right here.

Me: Okay creep town.

Siri shows me a map of Coopertown, Tennessee.

Me: Thanks for that, so helpful.

Siri: You are most certainly welcome.

Me: Do you have any kids?

Siri: None that I can remember.

Me: Do you like kids? (Siri translates this to “Do you like cats?” and responds with…)

Siri: Surprisingly, I haven’t tried cake before.

Me: Are you on crazy pills?

Siri: We were talking about you, not me.

Me: I see you’re a bit of an avoid-er.

Siri: I don’t know what that means. If you like, we can search the web.

As you can see, some things get lost in translation with Siri. I enjoy our chats though, really I do. However, I’m not sure how helpful she is, seeing as I can do pretty much whatever she tries to do, but better. It’s nice to know that she’s around. Do you have a relationship with Siri? What’s it like?

Rune Factory: Tides of Destiny Review

For those of you that don’t know, I really like video games. And when you’re unemployed, playing video games all day just happens sometimes. I haven’t done many reviews on games that I’ve played. I once wrote about WoW (World of Warcraft for all you n3wbs) but I’m not a pro at that game by any means. Since I haven’t reviewed a game in 5ever (longer than 4ever), I decided that it’s about time.

I’m not super into fighting games like COD (Call of Duty) and Halo. I’m more into retro games and role playing simulation games. Let me explain. I still have my N64 fresh from the 90’s so I play a lot of games on that system. I know they aren’t the newest and don’t have the best graphics (and they definitely aren’t that challenging) but they bring back a level of nostalgia for me that is indescribable.

One of my favorite games for my N64 was called Harvest Moon. It’s a pretty basic game where you make a life for yourself by farming, wooing women, making money, and just being an all-around cool guy. It’s not that challenging. It’s kind of like a Sims game but with awful graphics. Anyway, the company that made Harvest Moon, Natsume, continued to make Harvest Moon games for other systems which had better graphics and more to do.

They branched out even further and developed Rune Factory which includes all of the challenges of making your character successful in his township, but there’s also a battle element. And the fighting is actually pretty tough. There is way more to do in this game, making it ten times more addictive than the Harvest Moon games.

The premise of Rune Factory: Tides of Destiny is that your character and his best friend (who is a girl) get trapped in the same body and they have to work together to solve the mysteries of their home island and the surrounding areas. It’s cool because you can explore the oceans by riding on this big golem. The farming element isn’t as difficult as their previous games–you don’t have to spend as much time harvesting crops and making money that way.

There are lots of potential spouses on the island too, which is good. I always make my character talk to a lot of ladies, so he’s a pretty big pimp.

Much like WoW, there are quests that townspeople ask you to go on. It helps the game move along well and also earns you money and respect from the islanders. The graphics are pretty great as well. The island that you live on looks very Mediterranean so the game also has a relaxing feel to it.

Overall I would definitely give this game two thumbs up. It offers a lot of different elements that I think would please most people–girls and guys alike. If you’re interested in this one, it’s available for PS3 and Wii (I have the Wii version).

What kind of video games do you like to play?

Learning to Golf A.k.a. LOL

I am not a sporty person. I’d rather participate in individual events than having to depend on other teammates. Or worse, having people depend on me. That being said, there is one sport in particular that I am terrified of and that is golf. I could only dream of having the aid of teammates with this sport. But unfortunately I’m the only person who can help me. (I feel like I’m being really dramatic.) I mean, people can help me by giving me tips, but I have to figure out how to move my body properly. It would also help if I could hit the ball when I wanted to.

I always knew I would be terrible at golf. Some sports I look at and I’m like, okay I could do that. Like volleyball or tennis–I’m not great, hell, I’m not even good, but I can get away with looking like I know what I’m doing. Kind of. But whenever Paul watches golf, I get confused by so many things:

How do the golfers know where to aim? You can’t even see the flag from the beginning of each hole so like, do the golfer just guess where to swing? Unclear.

Why do there have to be so many different clubs? Can’t there just be one kind that works for every type of swing? Why do I have to learn which iron or wood to use? Why are there numbers involved? 9 irons? Drivers? Putters? How annoying.

Who decided 18 was an appropriate number for holes in a course? Did they realize that it takes hours upon hours to complete a full game? I mean, that’s cool if you like golf a lot, but do you still like it after 4 hours of playing? Probs not.

The one thing that I do approve of are the chic clothes that you get to wear. Lots of argyle and polos and plaids, oh my! So that’s fun.

I’ve only been to the driving range thrice in my life and one of those times was when I was twelve. The other two times were recently when Paul was trying to teach me some golf basics. Needless to say I’m the worst and try to stand far away from anyone else because I’m so embarrassed for myself.

Luckily I have a patient teacher. And I don’t even brag about how much better I am at putting than he is. Much.

Spring Favorites

I used to have seasonal favorites segments on my blog, you know, my favorite things during that time in my life. But I stopped doing them for some reason. Maybe I stopped liking things. Regardless, I am back with new favorites and some shameless self-promotion. Whatevs.

1. Heart. As in Heart the band. My husband really likes Heart and I’d never really given them a chance so I always thought he was crazy. But I’ve been listening to them on repeat for 4 days and it’s starting to get weird. Like, I cannot stop. It’s unhealthy. I like blasting Alone in my room and pretending I’m some love-sick 80’s teenager.

2. Tumblr. If you’re bored and like looking at pictures of funny things, pretty models, and cool photography, you should check out my tumblr. I’d taken a long break from posting stuff on there but now I’m back into it and I’m lovin’ it! There is a link to it at the top of my blog where it says “My Links” or you can click HERE.

3. Candy Crush. I have a love/hate relationship with this Facebook game. It’s so addicting. I’m one of those people who will play every video game and computer game around. I love Facebook games and I’m not ashamed of it. I was a little late on the uptake with this one though. I thought I was over my love of gaming. Then, one rainy day I bought the App for my iPad and I haven’t looked back since.

4. My friend’s blog. I have a friend here who’s almost in an identical situation as me–stuck in Canada, missing the states, etc. Except she’s from San Diego so she really must be feeling the pain! Her recent blog post describes both of our feelings towards Canada very well–we shouldn’t be complaining…but we still manage to do so. If you wanna check it out click HERE.

5. Long walks. I’ve been going on hour long walk/runs lately and its been really refreshing. Maybe it’s because the weather has been so nice here and it feels like spring has finally sprung. My favorite places to walk are along the ocean and through parks. Very serene and peaceful.

6. Kidz Showz. If you haven’t visited my other blog that I share with Mooselicker, what are you waiting for?! It’s chock full of everyone’s favorite memories–children’s shows! I think everyone can bond over kid’s shows, whether you hate them or you love them or you love to hate them, they’re around and they’re not going anywhere. We talk about movies, TV shows, character studies, certain episodes–the topic is endless. If you are interested in guest posting, contact either Tim or myself and we will hook you up with the deets! There’s a link in “My Links” or you can click HERE.

What are some of your favorite things this Spring?

March Madness

I know I’m kind of late on the uptake, but I thought I would share my tips and tricks on choosing teams for March Madness brackets. Keep in mind that I’ve never made a bracket before because it’s not fair for me to use my all-knowing powers to take people’s money. But I do enjoy saying the word bracket.

And let me just point out that I love the alliteration that March Madness forces on everyone.

If you’re having trouble choosing between two schools and can’t tell who’ll win, first study the team. And by team, I mean the uniforms. If one of the teams has awful uniforms and the other has a nice color combo, unique lettering, or cute warm-ups, then you know you have a winning team. Like, isn’t it obvious that Colorado State would win with their emerald green uniforms over Missouri’s weird yellow ones? Duh.

If the team uniforms are equally classy or equally awful, judge the mascots. A mascot can really define a team. For example, in the Oregon vs. Saint Louis game on Sunday, you know that Saint Louis will lose terribly because their mascot is a Billiken. It’s like, really? You are going to be a losing team with a stupid mascot like that. Why would you even be a university with a Billiken representing you? I’m assuming none of you know what a Billiken is, which is good. I’m going keep you in the dark with this one because your life will be way better without knowing. So mark my words, Oregon will win. (And if they don’t, that Billiken is obviously some kind of devil charm.)

I can’t even explain the nightmares I’m going to have.

If you still can’t make up your mind, you’re clearly really indecisive and shouldn’t be betting your money. Another way you can tell which team will be victorious is by judging the school/city/state. For example, in the New Mexico vs. Harvard game, I think it was pretty obvious that Haaavard was going to win. Who even lives in New Mexico? Bad basketball players, that’s who.

Lastly, if all else fails, go with your gut. Sometimes dumb luck works. But don’t blame me when you’re out $200 because you bet on Minnesota instead of UCLA.

Possible New Monopoly Pieces

I just want to bring attention to the fact that I honestly don’t care about Monopoly pieces and that this shouldn’t even be a news story, but we live in a time where anything is interesting. We’re so desperate for something entertaining that we’ll stoop to watching an Armenian family with big butts and lots of money.

Parker Bros (or whatever brand Monopoly is under…I’m really doing my research here) has decided to do away with the iron playing piece in the Monopoly game. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS. Who wants to be stuck with the iron? It’s cruel, really. They were then puzzled about what the new piece should be so they let the internet vote on what the general populous would accept as the newest member to the board game. Surprisingly enough they chose a cat. If you thought cats had it good in real life, they live like kings on the internet. Millions of pages are devoted to them, so it’s no wonder that the people of the interwebz would choose a feline as their top pick.

I guess I wasn’t around on voting day, because I have some other suggestions for new and current pieces that I could see being loved by family members young and old.

I think Suri Cruise would be a good piece because she symbolizes the American Dream and that’s what Monopoly is really all about. Just to be clear, the American Dream is being born into a family with lots of money (preferably famous) so that you never have to work a day in your life. In turn, you’ll be able to look down on the poor common folk with disgust. It’s a beautiful thing.

Another good piece would be an iPhone or an iPad or just the Macintosh symbol. It would gently move the board game into the 21st century. Instead of plainly moving around the board like the other pieces, you could Instagram your hotels and SnapChat people that owed you money.

I was also thinking that hipster glasses would be a good piece because they would remind people that Monopoly is so mainstream and stupid. Why would anyone want to play a board game when they could listen to Edith Piaf on their record player while wearing an old band uniform from the 60’s that they found at the Goodwill?

Then I tried to think of something that symbolized the meaning of the game–to get rich. Black gold, Texas tea….duh. The BP oil spill would be a great piece. It would symbolize money, and losing money (which sometimes happens in the game), ruining animal’s lives (which happens with the building of hotels) and helplessness. I don’t know how you could get the whole oil spill into a playing piece, but I’m certain it would look really cool.

Lastly, I think Tina Fey’s facial scar would be a great piece. It would serve as a great reminder that even if you have lots of money and make people laugh, you still might have a gross scar on your face so maybe you should have a slice of humble pie. I don’t know what that has to do with Monopoly either.

Canadian Clothes

One of my very first posts had to do with Canadian fashion sense. I can sum up their wardrobe choices with one word: yikes.

Let’s talk about the Olympic ceremonies shall we? After the Opening Ceremonies, all of the countries competing in the games paraded around the stadium, dressed in their team uniforms. There were plenty of cute outfits that made nations look put together. Ex. The United States (and no one else really). You have to dress for success! And hey, we won, so I guess we’re the best.

They couldn’t even find matching shoes? And that one chick is wearing a cast?! She must be a top athlete.

But let’s have a moment of silence for Canada’s one gold medal they won in Trampolining. On second thought, let’s not.

The Parade of Nations is like, the one chance that countries get to show off. And Canada’s team opted to go for the old hoodies and khaki’s look. I don’t know if anyone told them, but it’s like, the Olympics. It happens once every four years (well, every two if you count the winter Olympics, but ugh, one can only get so excited about watching other people ski). You’re in front of the queen for crying out loud! Maybe put on your Sunday best?

And then there was the Closing Ceremonies. When the games end, the nations of the world congratulate each other and pretend like we all get along. This was Canada’s chance to go out with a bang. They could’ve been like, “Well, we only got one gold medal, but at least we look fly tonight!” They looked like the opposite of fly. If the entire Canadian team’s flies were down, they would’ve looked more fly. It was that bad.

They whipped out the jean jackets. With patches.

The Rise and Fall of Fed

Everyone knows that I don’t like sports. I’m not sporty, and I’m not interested in how good your team is. And I really don’t care which teams made it to the playoffs this year. Cheering for an entire team bores me. I have no connection to them. I do however, enjoy rooting for single players.

Over the years, I’ve learned to take an interest in Roger Federer. Sometimes I would catch my dad watching tennis and I would sit down and watch a set with him. And then leave and mumble something about being bored. Paul also really likes the world of tennis. Well, Paul just really likes sports. Even sports that no one should be interested in like snooker, squash, and cricket. Barf barf barf. Have you ever tried watching snooker and had to pretend to be interested? If you haven’t, then you’ve never really experienced pain. I have the name Ronnie O’Sullivan logged away in my brain as a top snooker player. Why do I know that? Why is that fact taking up room in my brain?

Anyway, I took an interest in Mr Federer over the years. Not because he’s cute, which he is. Not because he’s nice, which he is. But because he’s good, really good. And if I’m gonna root for someone, I want them to win. I don’t root for losers.

I’m going to take some time out of my busy schedule to educate you on the world of Roger Federer. You don’t even need to know about tennis. You just need to know about him. He was born in 1981 in Switzerland. This is important. You should know the ages of athletes because if there’s a lag in the conversation you can always bring up how they don’t have much time before they retire, or mention how they’re SO young and already a professional or something like that. People will think you really know your stuff. You also have to consider where they’re from. Think of Switzerland–mountains, neutrality, Geneva, wealthy, etc. It makes sense because Fed is always dressed to the nines even when he’s playing tennis. He’s always matching, never sweats, and constantly looks like he’s having a good time.

Rafael Nadal, hailing from Spain, and one of Roger’s biggest competitions, looks like a rat monkey and has been seen wearing man-capris. That’s Spain for you.

Fed doesn’t only dress well, he plays well too. He almost dances on the court. It’s crazy how graceful he is. He’s held the record for being the #1 tennis player in the world for 285 consecutive weeks from February 2 2004 to August 18 2008. One week short of Pete Sampras’ record. He’s also holds the Men’s Grand Slam record for 16 wins.

He is one of seven male players to capture the career Grand Slam and one of three (with Andre Agassi and Rafael Nadal) to do so on three different surfaces (clay, grass, and hard courts). He is the only male player in tennis history to have reached the title match of each Grand Slam tournament at least five times and also the final at each of the nine ATP Masters 1000 tournaments. Many sports analysts, tennis critics, and former and current players consider Federer to be the greatest tennis player of all time.

He IS the greatest player of all time. Hands down. Nadal and Djokovic are both so stupid and ugly and Spanish and Serbian. Like, go away seriously. They’ve been a pain to watch. Mainly because they both came out of nowhere and started destroying Fed’s career. He’s taken a fall from #1 to #3.

I’m going to blame everything on Federer having kids. Recently, his wife, Mirka gave birth to twin girls, Myla and Charlene. Yes, Charlene. My theory is that once you have kids, your life is pretty much over. Who knows what Mirka is making him do–change diapers, give piggy back rides, clean up barf?! How can he perfect his game if his home life is chaotic? Thanks a lot Mirka.

Charlene has to be the one on Roger’s lap.

If I Lived In Candyland

A couple of days ago one of the kids I was babysitting brought out Candy Land. A truly classic game.

Firstly, let me just point out that Candy Land is a very Aryan game. Both of the kids are blonde haired and blue eyed. I’m just going to assume that Hitler dreamed about Candy Land during a slumber in his Eagle’s Nest and commissioned someone to make his dream a reality. Those are the game’s origins.

If I were to to travel to Candy Land, I think my adventure would be something like this:

A young Hitler and Eva.

I’m going to be the little girl in the game’s scenario. I grab the little boy’s hand, and we start off on our adventure. Why we’re both dressed in overalls, I don’t know. We come across a plum tree that houses a little green goblin named Plumpy. Plumpy has literally no friends. He’s been banished to the very outskirts of Candy Land because he only eats plums. PLUMS AREN’T EVEN CANDY. Plumpy isn’t of much help to me and my overall-ed companion/brother/life partner so we continue on our way.

The climate changes within seconds. All of a sudden there’s snow on the ground and we’re having trouble breathing. We’ve entered into Peppermint Forest. There’s a really tall, clownish looking man called Mr. Mint. He wears a clashing pink and red poufy outfit yet he claims to be a lumberjack. Mr. Mint might be a woman. Remembering that no one really likes minty candy except for felons and grandparents, we tiptoe out of the forest before Mr. Mint can chop us in half with his candy cane axe.

Running as fast as we can, Billy and I see a castle in the distance. I just decided my partner’s name is Billy, by the way. The castle looks nice enough, but it doesn’t seem to be that sturdy since it’s made of licorice. You would have to be very slender to live there. Luckily, Lord Licorice is of a slight build. He welcomes us and tells us that he can make our wildest dreams come true. Unfortunately neither mine, nor Billy’s dreams involve licorice so we decide to leave the Lord in the dust.

Lord Licorice/ Lord of The Dance.

Becoming more and more fed up with everyone around us, Billy and I try to kill each other. He’s just so stupid with his ugly overalls and striped shirt. He ended up getting stuck on one of those black spots where you have to pick a card of the same color to move again. So he’s basically there for the entire game.

The ground becomes bouncy and sugary. I’ve obviously made the right choice and ditched Billy before the candy started getting good. As I start to cross Gumdrop Pass I meet a weird alien named Jolly. He’s about as memorable as Plumpy. They both have the same body type too–the unfortunate type. I pay him no attention and take a huge bite out of his gumdrop house.

What happens next is the absolute worst. I come across Grandma Nut. I always thought of Candy Land as a variation of heaven. Grandma Nut ruins everything by being old. In my heaven, everyone is young, renewed and perfect. Grandma Nut is old, has no family, and lives in a peanut brittle house. She’ll talk your ear off if you get anywhere near her so cross your fingers that you pull a double red card to avoid any contact. I could imagine her toe nails looking like Brazil nuts.

Grandma Nut's toenails.

I follow the signs to Lollypop Woods. Princess Lolly resides here. She’s one of the best people in Candy Land solely based on her crown made of lollypops. And she curtsies. No one curtsies anymore! Still, Princess Lolly lives way too close to Grandma Nut in order for me to be fully comfortable, so I continue on my way. Bye Lolly. I love you.

Hands down the best place to be is Queen Frostine’s Ice Cream Sea. I’ll admit that ice cream isn’t typically considered candy, but I’m willing to make an exception. Queen Frostine is a real hottie. Lolly is cute, but not on the same hotness scale as the Queen. Is Lolly her real daughter? Why don’t either of them live in the castle with King Candy? Is King Candy supposed to symbolize God? BURNING QUESTIONS.

She could do way better than King Candy.

I start walking away from the Ice Cream Sea. Not because I’m full, but because my head hurts from trying to answer life’s questions. The ground starts to get sticky and thick. I’ve entered Molasses Swamp. Gloppy is there ready to eat me. And he does. Gloppy is scary as hell. I don’t remember ever finishing a game of Candy Land. Gloppy would usually dissuade me from further play time. Kids don’t like to think about molasses. I don’t even know what molasses is and I’m in my mid-20’s.

I hope you liked my adventures in Candy Land!

WoW

So ummm ehm I started playing World of Warcraft. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing half the time, but I like it. And my character looks cool. And my friend plays too so we can skype and run around playing the game together.

The thing is, for some reason (and people have warned me about this), it’s very addicting. I don’t know if you’ve seen the Youtube video of the boy whose mother cancels his WoW account, but he literally goes ballistic. It’s one of the best things I’ve seen.

I don’t know what it is that I find so addicting really. You have to complete quests which causes you to level up. I’m only level 9, but that’s after 2 days of playing. Collecting items and completing quests is what really hooked me in. If I look back into my childhood, every interest that I had, had to do with collecting something. Whether it be Beanie Babies, collecting stars on Super Mario 64, or catching all of the Pokemon (I mean, their tagline was “Gotta Catch ‘Em All!” Genius!) Kids and apparently 24 year olds like trying to complete missions by getting everything they need. Maybe it gives us a sense of purpose. Hey, I don’t pay the bills, but maybe I can become a level 15 Draenei and everything will be okay.

That’s another thing. Draenei. I love saying all of the names in the game because they make me sound so nerdy and weird. Like most games, it’s a battle of good against evil. I’m on the good side obviously.

So much likeness.

I can see why people play so much. It’s probably like a Catfish thing where they get to be someone else…like an elf or a dwarf. My friend knows someone who’s girlfriend dumped them for someone she met on World of Warcraft. No joke! What would happen when they went to meet each other? Immediate disappointment because neither of them looked like mythical creatures?

Just a quick little poll (but I’m not gonna make an actual poll–just tell me) : Which do you think is nerdier, World of Warcraft or Magic: The Gathering?