Possible New Monopoly Pieces

I just want to bring attention to the fact that I honestly don’t care about Monopoly pieces and that this shouldn’t even be a news story, but we live in a time where anything is interesting. We’re so desperate for something entertaining that we’ll stoop to watching an Armenian family with big butts and lots of money.

Parker Bros (or whatever brand Monopoly is under…I’m really doing my research here) has decided to do away with the iron playing piece in the Monopoly game. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS. Who wants to be stuck with the iron? It’s cruel, really. They were then puzzled about what the new piece should be so they let the internet vote on what the general populous would accept as the newest member to the board game. Surprisingly enough they chose a cat. If you thought cats had it good in real life, they live like kings on the internet. Millions of pages are devoted to them, so it’s no wonder that the people of the interwebz would choose a feline as their top pick.

I guess I wasn’t around on voting day, because I have some other suggestions for new and current pieces that I could see being loved by family members young and old.

I think Suri Cruise would be a good piece because she symbolizes the American Dream and that’s what Monopoly is really all about. Just to be clear, the American Dream is being born into a family with lots of money (preferably famous) so that you never have to work a day in your life. In turn, you’ll be able to look down on the poor common folk with disgust. It’s a beautiful thing.

Another good piece would be an iPhone or an iPad or just the Macintosh symbol. It would gently move the board game into the 21st century. Instead of plainly moving around the board like the other pieces, you could Instagram your hotels and SnapChat people that owed you money.

I was also thinking that hipster glasses would be a good piece because they would remind people that Monopoly is so mainstream and stupid. Why would anyone want to play a board game when they could listen to Edith Piaf on their record player while wearing an old band uniform from the 60’s that they found at the Goodwill?

Then I tried to think of something that symbolized the meaning of the game–to get rich. Black gold, Texas tea….duh. The BP oil spill would be a great piece. It would symbolize money, and losing money (which sometimes happens in the game), ruining animal’s lives (which happens with the building of hotels) and helplessness. I don’t know how you could get the whole oil spill into a playing piece, but I’m certain it would look really cool.

Lastly, I think Tina Fey’s facial scar would be a great piece. It would serve as a great reminder that even if you have lots of money and make people laugh, you still might have a gross scar on your face so maybe you should have a slice of humble pie. I don’t know what that has to do with Monopoly either.