This is the title of one of Roald Dahl’s short stories. It’s about two men who read the gossip column in the paper every morning. One writer in particular often slanders the names of high society members. The two men reading the column feel bad for those trapped in the fire of words written against them. Long story short, they devise a plan to help the people that the columnist wrote badly about. They decide to beat up, scare, or embarrass the columnist for a reasonable fee. Why not make it a business? This same situation happens to people every day! And so they did.
One reason why I love Roald Dahl is because he makes me think about a story long after I’ve finished it. Another reason is that, in most of his stories, everyone gets what’s coming to them. There’s nothing better than karma, whether it’s instant, or in the case of Vengeance Is Mine, Inc., man-made.
If you could seek vengeance on someone that did you wrong and no one would ever know it was you, would you? It’s hard to say for me personally. The idea is so tempting. There are plenty of times I’ve wanted to punch someone in the face. Well, maybe not plenty, but a handful of times for sure.
Here is the list of punishments you would be able to choose from by Vengeance Is Mine, Inc.:
1. Punch in the nose, once, hard–$500
2. Black eye — $600
3. Punch in the nose and a black eye — $1000
4. Introduce a rattlesnake (with venom extracted) into his car, on the floor by the pedals, when he parks it –$1500
5. Kidnap him, take all his clothes away except his underpants, his shoes and socks, then dump him out on Fifth Ave. in rush hour — $2500
Which would you choose (if money wasn’t a factor, obviously)? I feel like it would depend on how much the person bothered me. The rattlesnake one is pretty genius, I must admit. And depending on the enemy, I wouldn’t always opt for the venom to be extracted…if ya know what I mean.
Do you think an act like this is worth the money? I hate to say that I do. I actually think the business idea is great! I might steal it for myself. My occupation at the moment is sleeping so I bet I could get more money this way. And punch more people in the face.
Lily In Canada 
There have been plenty of times when I wished I could exact vengeance on people who have wronged me, and I’m sure there have been times when I’ve made someone mad enough that they’ve wanted to do the same to me. But in the end, I don’t think I would want to punish people for slighting me somehow, mostly because no one has ever really said, “Wow, you put hemorrhoid cream on my toothbrush. I’ve really learned my lesson!” Revenge feels good the instant you carry it out, but in the long run I don’t think it really makes a difference in the way the person who’s receiving it will behave in the future.
Okay Emily, way to make me feel like a horrible person for wanting to seek out vengeance! Not that anyone has truly wronged me enough to want to put a snake in their car, but it could be funny, right? RIGHT??
But yes, ultimately you are right. The voice of reason, if you will. It’s not really worth it. But it’s kind of fun to think about….
Oh Lil, you know that wasn’t my intention! Yes, I totally agree that it IS nice to think about how, if given the chance, I would humiliate my HS Spanish teacher who regularly berated me to tears in front of the whole class for performing less than perfectly. Pretty sure some Scotch bonnet peppers would be integrated in my revenge of him. And that’s in addition to putting a snake in his car 😉
Ugh your Spanish teacher sounds like el diablo. I hope that translates to the devil in espanol. I took Latin which is like, 1000 times worse than any language, I’m sure. But I never got made fun of, so maybe I’m wrong. See, I would love to see the whole pepper/rattlesnake scenario played out. If it doesn’t satisfy you in the long run, it sure as heck will do for me!
Have you ever seen Dirty Work? It’s about a Revenge for Hire Business. We watched it in 11th grade history class. There’s nothing historical about Norm Macdonald and Artie Lange.
No! Damn, I’m mad that there’s something similar floating around and I didn’t reference it! Some of the movies that teachers made us watch actually made no sense in the class we were watching them for. Like, one time in Psych we watched Donny Brasco. Umm why?
Lisa is there anything you can do for this girl?…oh never mind you are busy with the girl at the diner every morning…hahaha.
Be encouraged!
Haha give me a break Stephen! I wouldn’t ever go through with anything like this…but it’s kind of fun to entertain the idea just for a minute or two….or three.
You are sooo much fun…btw you write a great blog with an awesome sense of humor. I’m always cautious not to take a sip before I start reading…soda pop is so hard to get my monitor!
Be encouraged!
Hahah aww that’s so kind! I’m so so glad I make you laugh and make your computer all sticky. I always think “I’m the only one who will find this funny, but I don’t care!” Happy that it’s not just me. 😀
Ps. Your blog is my dose of happy. I always feel good and uplifted when I come over there!
You had me at Roald Dahl…
Good! He’s really is the best…
Well, I guess this apple didn’t fall far from the tree! Lily you do me proud with every post! haha!
Haha thanks! Maybe you can choose one of these punishments for the cashier in the morning?
I think just a punch in the nose oughta do the trick. That would be totally worth it. It would have to be coupled with someone yelling at her to not be so loud and fake friendly. That would put an end to her behavior, fo sho.
Hahah fo sho. I think maybe we should be business partners? (I’ll do the punching.)
A little on the pricey side but probably well worth it for some! What an interesting business. I really like the rattlesnake and kidnapping idea… Now who can I get revenge on…? 😀
Haha that’s good that you don’t have any enemies to seek revenge on! But yeah, regardless of enemies it’s still a great idea, right? Maybe I should think of my own personal list of punishments, ya know, to make it more unique! Haha 😀
Usually my need to punch someone in the face fades after time…but there IS one person, who after years and years is only becoming a more horrible waste of space, that I would like to exact all of those options on for revenge. Not that he would learn anything, and not that it would make me feel better. I just feel like he keeps evading the karma retribution that he so sorely deserves. I’m pretty sure there’s voodoo involved for why he keeps getting away with taking advantage of several people I love. Oh, the stories I could tell about this guy…and they would all involve him going to jail at the end if I had my way. Except in reality, he gets away with EVERYTHING.
Ugh don’t you just hate that? I’m sure he’ll have a huge dose of karma coming his way. Vengeance Is Mine, Inc. would be perfect for someone like him. I think someone in the story actually opts for all of the punishments to be put on one person hahah.
Don’t worry, I’ll start up my own vengeance business and I’ll open a Texas location. 😉
Excellent, I’ll be your first customer!
For $2500, I’d kill someone and dissolve the body in acid a la Breaking Bad.
So his punishments are far too pricey!
Thanks for ruining Breaking Bad for me. Jk I have only seen the first ep, so it shouldn’t really matter. But yeah I would do a lot to a person for $1000 let alone $2500! Dissolving a body in acid seems like a good scenario–no mess really!
Only one person, and, I kinda figure life will take care of him eventually. If not, I’ll save up for #4.
I agree that the rattlesnake one is the most tempting. But yeah, life will take care of him. Not to worry Addie.
Remind me to never piss you off, Lily!
Haha I know, right? It’s kind of tempting, you have to admit!