canada, Music

Star-Crossed Canadian Lovers

I don’t use the phrase “literally scarier than 9/11”  often, but the lead singer of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are engaged.

Don’t look for too long–you might turn into stone.

I didn’t even know this duo was dating. Mostly due to the fact that I like to pretend that Chad Kroeger doesn’t exist. Same with Avril’s teeth. Her fangs are crazier than any vampire’s. But I guess vampires are in right now?  Regardless, dating Chad Kroeger is NOT in. Getting engaged to him is social suicide.

This Canadian couple has me wondering if I made a mistake by entering their country of origin. I even called it my home once or twice! Can I take that back? Pretend it never happened?

I’ve heard that if you say the name Chad Kroeger 3 times in your bathroom with the lights turned off, Chad Kroeger actually appears and sings you an entire Nickelback album. Isn’t that horrifying? Like Bloody Mary but way worse.

I’m really depressed for Avril because I think she’s punishing herself. Think about it. She was dating Brody Jenner. And now she’s engaged to someone named Chad. She must have thought that she had to atone for Brody breaking up with her. This way she can serve the rest of her years knowing that she paid the price for letting Brody slip through her fingers.

She could’ve been engaged to this!

Is Chad Kroeger considered a Sk8er Boi? If so, how can we rid the world of all Sk8er Bois? Also, do you think Avril is going to wear a tie with her wedding dress a la her Complicated music video? What a style icon she was. Her taste in men also seems to be very complicated.

If you don’t catch my drift, basically what I’m trying to say is that both Avril and Chad are super gross, and scary. But seriously, I’m almost positive that this is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


22 thoughts on “Star-Crossed Canadian Lovers

    • Yeah! Well, I think he’s ten years older. But it’s at that creepy age where he’s 37 and she’s 27. It seems like a much bigger distance. My husband and I are 6 and a half years apart, and sometimes I feel like we can’t bond about all of the childhood shows that I watched because he doesn’t even know them! Grrr.

  1. “I’ve heard that if you say the name Chad Kroeger 3 times in your bathroom with the lights turned off, Chad Kroeger actually appears and sings you an entire Nickelback album.”

    This is true. =/

    What is it with all the young birds going out with old dirty paedo’s all of a sudden?! One of the Olsen twins in doing Nicolas Sarkozy’s (former leader of France) half brother whose like 16 years older than her and now this!

    • Hahaha you know first hand about Chad Kroeger/Bloody Mary? Maybe we should call it Bloody Chad?

      Yes! Mary Kate Olsen looks like a little troll next to her beau. It’s so creepy. And he has a daughter her same height. Weirdddd.

      • Imagine if he ever got drunk one night and wandered into the wrong room, ugh. I can sense childhood issues developing. On the bright side, it shows that being 40+ means you don’t have to stop dating young chicks 😀

  2. How old is Avril Lavigne? However old she is must be the age when all women become crazy. The guy from the Black Keys who looks like a duck is better looking than Chad.

    I heard if you say Chad Kroeger’s name 5 times in the bathroom with the lights off the guy from Creed shows up too and they makeout while occassionally turning and belting out some lyrics.

    • True. Good point. There are tons of ugly people out there in the world, but Chad is really the worst of the worst. Further proving my point that this was all planned by Avril to punish herself.

      Hahaha how could you live past saying his name 3 times? Wouldn’t you learn your lesson? But I guess saying it 5 times would be some kind of world record. I remember rollerskating during gym class in middle school to Creed. Some of the worst days of my life occurred in that gym.

  3. Or as someone tweeted yesterday, their wedding is guaranteed to have the worst wedding music ever.
    On the bright side, maybe they will form a black hole of talentlessness that will suck them away forever…

    • Haha omg so true! Yikes. I really feel bad for anyone who attends that ceremony.
      Hahha! The black hole of talentlessness is starting to form already. I feel it. The planets are aligning and the stars are exploding.

  4. A gripping life says:

    Hahaha! Why are they such an easy target? I love a post that rips people to shreds, it really makes me happy. tee hee

    • Hahah because they’re both so gross and dumb. I love posts like this too. When I heard the news last night I was so excited that I immediately started typing up mean things to say. So normal.

  5. Kelly says:

    This is horrifying news. Knowing that I will at some point actually research this atrocity further (and by research I mean consult some news sources like TMZ and People) is even more horrific.

    • I know. I KNOW. I’m almost mad at myself for writing out their names over and over again. It’s painful. TMZ and People are the best at uncovering all the news stories worth knowing.

  6. I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told before. I hope I won’t be banned or cursed or something. Promise mme that first, before you read on and discover the truth…
    …once, I liked both of those artists…
    But I was young, my personality didn’t even exist back then, I was like ‘hey, they’re not really mainstream *sarcastic grin* and I like them!’. But years have passed, things have changed, and god, I would really go for that Brody guy. I mean, really.
    And I hate it when people spell things the wrong way on purpose. Sk8er Boi? Seriously? Bitch please, go back to school.

    • No you won’t be banned. I actually used to think Avril had some catchy songs when I was younger too. And she did! I actually know all the words to one Nickelback song. Only because I spent so much time making fun of it. I guess it kind of backfired because now I know the song too well.

      Isn’t Brody so cute? Like, how did he even date Avril in the first place? The world may never know. Bitch please! Go back to school and figure out how to make good life choices! Mainly ones that don’t involve Chad.

  7. This is eleventeen different kinds of wrong. First of all, he’s Fugly. I don’t like Brody Jenner either, but Chad is really unappealing and goofy looking. The fact that he’s in Nickelback just makes it worse.

    • So fugs! Wait, how do you not like Brody Jenner? He’s so cute! I will agree that Chad is the ugliest ug around for sure. Nickelback basically wouldn’t be around if it wasn’t for Chad. So gross. He’s ruining the world one song at a time.

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