canada, Judging

Good-Bye Girl

Sorry I haven’t written a post in years (11 days). I’m sure everyone was constantly refreshing my page in hopes of a new post, but I was on a little vaycay. Everyone needs a vaycay now and then. I hope all the grown men who read this enjoy saying the word vaycay over and over.

I’ve noticed that I’m always coming and going. Leaving loved ones to see other loved ones. I’m here one day and gone a week later. It’s tough when you’re so adored. You have to split up time. But it’s kind of a good thing because I don’t give people enough time to miss me too much. There’s a song by Squeeze called Good-Bye Girl, but I think it’s about some kind of skank that’s always gone in the morning. That’s not the kind of Good-Bye Girl I am. But I really do love the line in the song, “If you ever see her, say hello Good-Bye Girl.”

Saying goodbye is always sad. I have to do it about every 4 months. But then I get to say hello to someone else.

I had to fly a quick 6 hours back home to my husband. The plane ride was pretty smooth except for the person I had to sit next to. He was your typical average Joe. His name might have actually been Joe for all I know. He asked me if I flew this course a lot and I said yeah because I live in Victoria. I asked him the same question, not caring about his response, I just thought it would be nice. Turns out he lives in Seattle. So yeah, boring stuff. I went back to reading my book.

When the stewardess came around to give us our beverages, as Joe grabbed his drink, the worst B.O. I’ve ever smelled entered my nose. First thought: WHY ME? Why do I have to spend hours next to this guy? Life isn’t fair.

So I spent the rest of the flight with my blanket up to my face as a nose guard. I had some relief in watching Kevin Hart’s stand up that was on the TV. I think Smelly Joe thought I had tourettes because I would be perfectly still and then whenever Kevin Hart would say something hilarious, I would start bursting into laughter and shaking. I should have started swearing randomly, then maybe he wouldn’t have tried to kill me with his armpits.

During the middle of the flight Joe went to the bathroom for 10 minutes, I kid you not. Things got smellier. I basically plastered my forehead onto the window and tried to avoid looking (or smelling) in his direction.

Please lord, help me.

I was lucky enough to have two windows on my side. I put both of their shades down for a while when I was watching my show, and then I raised one up to look at the mountains. Joe literally reached his hand across my lap to open the other window so he could look too. In my head I was like, UMMMM EXCUSE ME? If you get an aisle seat, then you get to go to the bathroom whenever you like and extra leg room. If I get the window seat then guess what? I get control of the windows! And didn’t he say he was from Seattle? You see the Olympic mountain range every day! Go away. You smell like something that came out of my cat’s litter box.

Turns out being a good-bye girl is actually a  great thing because  I got to say good-bye (and good riddance) to Smelly Joe.



21 thoughts on “Good-Bye Girl

  1. Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew. I’m gagging just thinking about Smelly Joe and being trapped next to him. The airline should reimburse you for that flight (yeah, right).

    • Ew is right! Maybe I should contact the airline and see if they can give me a discount. That way I could at least threaten them a bit, make them worried that they’ve ruined my life and everything. (yeah right)

    • Oh good! Portland to NYC is a long one. Who knew our country was so grand? Glad you didn’t have to sit next to a Smelly Joe. You must have good karma.

  2. A gripping life says:

    Hahaha!!! I once had to sit next to smelly Joe’s brother, Footy Fred, who had taken off his shoes during the flight, exposing the most gnarly feet I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure if they smelled, I didn’t take that chance. I wrapped my face in my pashmina, mummy style as soon as I saw them. I didn’t want even a molecule of smell to enter my nostrils.

    • Oooh I think I remember you telling me about Footy Fred. He sounds like the worst. Why do people act like planes have no rules? I feel like one of the things that the stewardesses should say after they show us how to buckle our seat belts is “No smelly people are allowed on this plane. Also, if we see anyone’s feet, they will be thrown from 36,000 feet.” So grody.

  3. I never have had to sit next to “smelly Joe”, but I do tend to always get those first time flyers. Most of the time they are excited. That’s of course up until I tell them to wake me up if the wing catches on fire.

    I didn’t know Squeeze had more than one song. I used to have Tempted as my cell phone ring tone. Kind of lame, and super embarrassing when you forget to turn your phone off during Church.

    • Hahah way to torture them! I don’t think I’ve ever had a first time flyer sit next to me, but I would feel like quite the experienced traveler next to them!

      Squeeze has tons of good songs! Listen to Cool for Cats, Up the Junction, Pulling Muscles, Another Nail in My Heart, Black Coffee in Bed, and Annie Get Your Gun.
      Hahah Tempted is a good one though–especially to go off in church. At least you didn’t have Barbie Girl as your ring. That was mine for a long time. What was I thinking?

  4. I am looking forward to joining the “people you dread to sit next to on airplanes” club when I eventually fly with C. Maybe Smelly Joe will give me my membership badge.

    • Hahah nahh I could never dread you and C! The flight would have gone by faster if I had a cute baby to play with (and someone normal to talk to!) I hear babies aren’t the best fliers though. I think when I was a young babe, I threw up on my uncle during a flight. So many good memories.

    • Hahah so true. Gahh I remember in uni this guy in my class would wear the same hoodie every day and it reeked of BO. Certain people must not be able to smell themselves. What a curse.

  5. I feel there are two major requirements to flying–

    1. If you can’t figure out how to buckle the seatbelt, you can’t fly
    2. If you smell in any way, you can’t fly.

    My rules should be put into place immediately, don’t you think?

    PS Missed your posts.

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