Exercise, Food

How To Lose Weight Fast!

Something that both men and women struggle with is losing weight. Almost all of us want to lose those last 5, 10, or 20 pounds. Life is hard enough already. Why should we be uncomfortable in our skin as well? I’ve come up with some creative solutions to losing weight without having to exercise or eat healthy. You’re welcome.

1. Chop off a limb.This might sound scary, but I’m pretty sure that you can get a doctor to do it for you. If not, just place your arm or leg in dry ice and it should fall right off. I mean, it might be a little painful, but isn’t going to the gym painful too? Yes! And just think, you can still eat whatever you want! Stop thinking about burning calories and start thinking about burning limbs! These days you really only need one arm or one leg any way. AND if you’re satisfactory at any sport, you could totes win a Paralypmics medal!

Pick a limb, any limb.

2. Get a tapeworm. I’ve been attracted to this form of weight loss for a while. It’s almost too good to be true. You don’t have to exercise, and you can literally eat anything and everything you want. Because none of your food will be digested. The tapeworm that lives inside your intestine will eat all of the food that you’ve eaten and save you from all the cals. So thoughtful! To acquire a tapeworm, all you have to do is eat raw meat. Or become super unhygienic. Either one is a small price to pay for a quick weight loss. And then, once you’ve reached your goal weight, the doctor can remove it for you. You’ll probs have tons of stitches and have to be bedridden for a month, so think about all the extra weight you’ll lose!

3. Move to Africa. Everyone is supes skinny there. Granted, they’re dying of starvation. But like, I feel like Africa doesn’t have the best food so it would be hard to find a good meal. What if you had to hunt for food and you killed a lion for it’s meat, but then you got arrested because poaching is illegal? Then you’d be in jail and they’d feed you close to nothing. Any way you slice it, Africa is a win/lose situation. You’re winning while you’re losing weight.

4. Personal Chef.Hiring a personal chef is a good way to eat healthy without having to think about it. Sure, it cost money, but what doesn’t? If you don’t lose weight immediately, having a personal chef also gives you someone to blame. It always feels better when you can blame someone else for your own shortcomings.

Forcing your personal chef to wear a chef’s uniform is also a lot of fun.

5. The Hollywood Diet. If you must lose weight the old fashioned way, through diet and exercise, then maybe you should try out the skeletor…ehm Hollywood Diet! Try eating celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Only drink water. That way, you’ll be ingesting about 50 calories a day. Combined with rigorous exercise, you should be losing 5 pounds a day. This is a quick fix. If you can’t maintain this diet for your entire life, then you really need to do some re-evaluating.

Hope these quick fixes helped! I’d love to see all of your before and after pictures! Especially from anyone who chooses to remove a limb.


21 thoughts on “How To Lose Weight Fast!

  1. Easy peasy! Great realistic solutions – and to think that I was actually looking forward to some new discovery. haha! I still like the idea of being put into a coma, say for 3 months? That oughta do the trick. And think how rested you’d feel coming out of a 3 month siesta!

    • Hahah you should have known that I’m just a joker with no real or helpful advice. A coma would be fun, but then wouldn’t you be missing out on a lot of good times? Maybe a coma during January-March? Hah

  2. Pete Howorth says:

    Hahahaha! Excellent post, surely if you’re going to lose a limb or spend money on a chef, you could just get the fat sucked out of you? Or get a gastric band fitted.

    I’d be well up for a tape worm though, as long as I’m asleep when they’re pulling it down and they don’t show it me, it can do no harm right?

    • Haha thanks! Yeah getting the fat sucked out seems brutal! The band also seems like a lot of work. I like the tapeworm idea! No harm no foul.

  3. I wish I could do it the easy way–get anorexia for a few months or so, then, go back to my normal self. That or the coma thing. Maybe the tapeworm?

    • Anorexia is anything but easy! It’s so hard to not eat food! I couldn’t just not eat, ya know? A coma seems like a good choice. The tapeworm is also super tempting!

  4. Such a first-world problem, isn’t it?

    I kind of wish they could invent an instant tapeworm—you could take a pill, grow a tapeworm, let it do its thing, and then when you’ve lost the weight you want, take another pill that dissolves the tapeworm. No muss, no fuss.

    • Definitely! You should patent that idea! I think people would pay big bucks to have a tapeworm. Or at least all of the weirdos that read this blog! Hahah

  5. The women (and let’s admit it that only women do this) that intentionally ingest tapeworms in order to lose weight have got to be the most whacked out people out there. The one and only time I ever saw the Tyra Banks talk show, she was interviewing several women who did this. I have to admit that it made for great TV, though.

    • I had no idea that women actually do that. I’m going to research this episode asap. Tyra has the best guests on her show. So normal and inspiring. Hahah so glad you told me!

    • So true! I was going to sort out the lengths and weights of each division, but it seemed like too much. Glad you understood the measurements though!

  6. Lily you’re a gen (genius!) I would do any one of these. No fuss no muss! Except for the cutting off of the limb but there are plenty of products out there that will remove blood stains. Right? It’s interesting because I was going to post a weight loss list tomorrow. That seems to happen a lot around the blogosphere (for some reason I really hate that word, but what other word is there? Maybe you can think of one for me). Well I’m going to go eat some cookies now . . . uh correction . . . feed my tapeworm! 😀

    • I love being a gen! So many products are great for removing blood stains. Or you could just lay a tarp down and make sure you’re naked. Fool proof! Or just do it outside? It’s okay if there’s blood in your grass.
      Yeah, maybe we can call it a bloghood. That makes me feel more comfortable. Like, we’re all brothas and sistas in the hood. I honestly don’t know what I’m saying anymore.

      • Haha Lily! Good solution. On a grosser note, I once read about a kid who was using some kind of farm machine and got both his arms pulled off by it so he went in the house, somehow called 911 and waited for them in the bath tub because his mom had just got new carpeting! Now that’s what I call some ingrained training!

        What was my point . . . oh so there’s always the bathtub too!

        I’m a sista in the bloghood! (just trying it out) I like it! 😀

    • Hahah good one Guap! My brain wasn’t smart enough to think of that one! Maybe if I have my brain removed I’ll lose a good amount of poundage?

  7. I had a really good suggestion that I always jokingly say but I have completely forgotten what it was. I can’t not comment now though because I already clicked “Like” and you have probably received an email so clicking “Unlike” does me no good. I’m going to let this sit for 5 minutes then click comment.

    Ahh I remembered! Running over a gypsy’s mother like in Thinner. I am upset it was not something more astonishing.

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