Memories, School

Criminal Minds

I’m gonna tell you a little story about my kindergarten self. No, it’s not the story about how I went around during recess asking kids if they were a boy or a girl. But I will say that it’s a great way to guarantee tears. This story is still about me being a jerk, but I kind of learn a lesson at the end. Key words: kind of.

It’s typical that kindergarten classes are only held for half of the day. I would go to school from about 8am to noon. My teacher was Mrs. Ford. She was tall, skinny, and had short dark hair. She had the voice of a smoker. That’s about as much as I can remember about her. She wasn’t very lovable.

Every day we would have play time where we were allowed to do whatever we liked in the class room. There was a play kitchen set up in the back of the room that was always a super popular hangout. I would usually spend my time looking into the overhead projector. I didn’t know what it did, but I was fascinated by it. I was so dumb.

I remember resting my face on the shiny part. What was wrong with me?

One day, I found something even cooler to look at. Sitting on Mrs. Ford’s desk was a paperweight with a snowflake inside it. I don’t know if you understand how magical this was. THERE WAS A SNOWFLAKE INSIDE A PAPERWEIGHT. I had never seen treasure, but I figured that this was as close as I would get.

I was one of the kids who would walk home from school while the other kids took the bus. Everyday Mrs. Ford would walk our class to their buses while the kids who walked or got picked up would go their separate ways. I couldn’t stop thinking about the paperweight. I wanted it. But for some reason I knew I couldn’t steal it. I figured if I couldn’t have it, then neither should Mrs. Ford. So I hid it in her classroom.

When I came back the next morning, the paperweight was on her desk. Damn you, Ford. So after school I hid it again. And she found it again. This went on for a while. A couple of weeks at least. Until one day when I hid it really well. I remember exactly where I put it. On the floor by the play kitchen. There was a lip where the wall stuck out over the floor and made a little gap. It was there where I placed the paperweight. The next day it wasn’t on her desk.

Mrs. Ford made an announcement to our class. She said, “Someone has been hiding my paperweight everyday. I couldn’t find it today. If you see it, make sure to tell me.” She didn’t seem amused. I’m sure if she didn’t know it was me before she made the announcement, she probably did afterward. I can’t imagine myself having a good poker face at the ripe age of 6. After that, she announced that we would have a special guest later that day–a policeman. A policeman?! Oh sweet Jesus why? My first thought was that he was going to arrest me. She must have known it was me, and now I’m going to be arrested and I’ll never see my family again. Being arrested is embarrassing enough, did Mrs. Ford really have to get a policeman to publicly arrest me in front of my peers?

All of a sudden I heard someone shout “I found the paperweight!” It was that ginger Heather Boch. She found it. Good job Heather. Way to ruin all of my hard work. But then I realized that maybe, now that it’s been found, they won’t arrest me! And they didn’t. The policeman only talked about traffic safety and stuff. I felt a rush of relief once he left. I never hid that stupid paperweight again.


27 thoughts on “Criminal Minds

  1. AgrippingLife says:

    This is one of your best childhood traumas, and by best I mean funniest. Even at 6 years old you were full of mischief and attitude. Something’s never change! Haha!

    • Hehe yeah. It’s so weird to look back and think about how your brain worked. To remember a thought process is a weird thing. And embarrassing.

  2. HAHAHAHA! The cops who are on the paperweight theft beat are known to be rough. I’m glad you never got caught! Although, I must say that this blog post is pretty incriminating. I hope Mrs. Ford doesn’t read it.

    • Oh man, I think Mrs. Ford is dead by now. At least I hope she is. I mean that in the best way. Haha but yeah you never want to have a run-in with the paperweight cops…that’s some shady stuff.

    • Haha yep! That’s me! I don’t have a search button! Maybe I’ll make one! I have my archives at the very bottom of the page. You can click on any month and go through them. But maybe it’s just easier for me to set up a search button! 🙂

      • Do you think at my age i have time to go through things, we need all the things in my last comment.

        After all during searching i could die and never find what i’m looking for, then i would be very sad.

      • Hahah At your age, don’t you have all the time in the world? Don’t you just sit at home all day like me?

        I would be sad, but kind of flattered that you died looking at my blog.

  3. I’m more intrigued by your fascination with the overhead projector. I love this story, and, I can well imagine your face when the announcement of the officer of the law–yet–I love the sweet mental picture I have of you and that projector.

    • I know! I thought people would really question my sanity after my overhead projector love. I love how it has nothing to do with the story, but it’s still so important. It’s just such a weird memory.

    • I don’t know if I was evil, but there was definitely a time when I was a mean kid! I was curious about how people who respond to the crazy things I would do and say. So yeah, evil. Hah

  4. Great story. What puzzles me is that a Ginger became the hero. Do you know what would have been great? If Heather Boch got to keep the paperweight as a reward. Maybe the teacher even thought it was her who took it. She seemed to find it pretty well.

    • Omg that would have ruined my young life. If Heather got the paperweight. I probably would have come clean in the hopes that I got the paperweight instead. I was dumb like that. Yeah, how did she find it so quickly?!

    • I have a pretty crazy memory. I remember stuff from when I was 3 years old! But that’s around the time my bro was born aka I was scarred for life. Kids are definitely weird. Kindergarten is a weird time. At least for me it was!

  5. So that’s where it all began…
    I have some similar stories, but they happened when I was a bit older.
    And the lesson that I learned was that if you jam your keys in an electric socket, there will be lots of smoke and you will be flung across the room.

    Oh, and you’ll get in lots of trouble too.

    • Wowza. I mean, I was a dumb kid but at least I wasn’t THAT dumb. 😉 hah I joke, I joke. But seriously, that sounds like your life could’ve flashed before your eyes.

      The things that get you in lots of trouble are always the things worth doing.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    Heather Boch is a bitch.

    If the teacher didn’t learn after the second time her paperweight went missing and she didn’t put it in a drawer or something then she deserves to have it stolen in my opinion.

  7. Oh God, I’ve spent my entire lunchtime reading your posts and I’ve had a right good ol’ chuckle. You’ve just collected another subscriber.

Comments are great, eh?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s