Note to Self: Running Stinks.

I don’t know why I insist on pretending that I’m athletic. For some reason I bought a volleyball last weekend. What am I going to do with a volleyball by myself? Nothing, that’s what. I also kind of ran a 10k last weekend. And by ran, I mean jog/walked. 10ks are really hard. They’re like, 6 miles of pure pain and wishing that things would end. I even prayed that there would be a Rapture just so I wouldn’t have to continue running.

Paul and his sister like to run. His sister recently participated in a 10k before I left for home. When I came back to Victoria, the weather was super nice and they wanted to jog around a lake that measured out to a 10k. I agreed to go with them, thinking I would just putz around and hopefully get tan. Paul told me that I should run until I felt like I was half way done with whatever amount that I wanted to run, and then turn around. He warned me that there was no way of getting back to where we parked unless I ran the whole thing or turned around. There wasn’t any shortcut. Unless I wanted to swim through the lake. No thanks.

I turned on my music and started to jog, as one does. Paul and his sister got farther and farther away until they were out of my sight. That’s when I held onto my key tightly, ya know, just in case anyone tried to rape me or anything. Keys are surprisingly great weapons. If someone attacks you, just jam it into their eyeball, or throat. That’s what I would do. Not that I’m a pro on getting raped or anything. When I was running, I played out a whole scenario in my head–someone knocking me down, me cutting up their face with my key, and then me kicking them in the head while they’re down. My parents think I should invest in some boxing classes because it seems like I need to get some aggression out. I have no idea what they’re talking about.

The good thing about using a key, is that you also have your rapist’s DNA. I’ve thought about this way too much.

A little bit into my run I saw a marker that said “6k”. I was so happy! Wow, I’m like, REALLY good at running 10ks! Maybe this is my thing. Paul and his sister will be so impressed with me! So I kept jogging. I slowed down a lot, but I kept it up. I saw the sign for “8k” and looked to my left. I could see the point where I started exactly across the lake. Hmm The lake must be longer on one side. I only have 2k left to run, it’ll be fine, I thought. At this point I was running in bursts. I would set little goals like, run to that tree, or run until this song finishes. And then I would allow myself little breaks.

I was getting super tired. Maybe 10ks weren’t for me. This course also offered a lot of obstacles. There were bikers, dogs, horses (!), horse poop, tree roots jutting out from the ground, etc. Oh and rapists, obviously. Eventually I reached a sign that said “10k”. Yes! After this last kilometer, I will be back to where I started. I decided to run without stopping. I wanted to have a strong finish! So I kept running and running and then I saw a sign that said “2k”. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Was I trapped running around this lake for the rest of my life?! Did I take a wrong turn and end up at some other lake? My ipod was almost out of juice. This was not a good situation. My legs hurt every time I tried to make an effort to jog.

I eventually got back to where we parked. No one told me that we started at the 4k mark though. WOULD’VE BEEN SLIGHTLY HELPFUL. I figured that Paul and company would have sent out a rescue squad since I’d been gone for an hour and twenty minutes. Not a bad 10k time considering I walked a lot of it! I saw Paul and his sister walking to the car. Did I finish at the same time as them? Am I a better runner than I thought? Nope. Paul sprained his ankle trying to avoid a drain that was jutting out of the ground. When he stepped around it, his foot landed in a ditch. He hobbled the last 2k of the loop and he still beat me.

Side note: There was a race going on while we were running. Not just a normal race though, an “Ultra Race”. Competitors would run around the lake 8 times. That’s an 80k. Which converts to 49.7 miles. There’s no one that I hate more than the people that would pass me, sprinting around the lake for their 8th time.


30 thoughts on “Note to Self: Running Stinks.

  1. Uhh, there aren’t many things I despise as much as running. My ankles start to hurt, i’m slow and when I hear myself breathing, I can only think: ‘this is not healthy!’
    So I share your feelings.
    Well done, though! You finished it anyway.

    • Ugh yes! Everything starts hurting. Why inflict pain on ourselves when we don’t have to? Thanks! I was super proud for finishing. Never doing it again though!

      By the way, I’m going to read The Mist soon! I just want to have enough time to concentrate on it! 😀

      • That’s okay :). It’s up to you whether you want to read it or not, but if you want to, even better of course!
        (There’s a new page made for it, so you don’t have to search for all the parts. Just sayin…)

  2. The whole rape scenario thing was jolly amusing and I reckon you should, you know, just hang out with that volleyball.

    Running is complete arse, especially when you have dodgy knees like me. Which is why I don’t do it any more.

    • Haha yeah, the volleyball should keep me company. Kind of like Wilson, I guess. Gah I need to find some friends.

      Running is super arse. My knees suck as well. I figure I’m slowly but surely going to put myself in a wheelchair. The easy life.

  3. HA HA! Lily this was so funny! That’s exactly the same thing that would go through my mind if I were jogging around an endless Twilight zone of a lake where one side is way longer than the otherside and maybe Rod Sterling was trying to rape me. LOL! And good for you for buying a volley ball. You never know when you might have to distract a rapist by pretending your playing a game of volleyball with 16 other people. If the key doesn’t scare him enough! 😀

    • Haha! Glad you liked it! I thought people might get a laugh out of my stupidity. Rod Serling wouldn’t be THE worst, right? Hahah I’m getting bad visuals. Volleyballs obviously have hundreds of uses. I could also throw it at someone who was chasing me. Forget the key, a volleyball is the new perfect weapon.

  4. I was worried where you were, and, I find you’ve been out running! Sorta. I’m glad you’ve got the rape scenario for the lake covered–do you know what you’ll do if some perv jumps you in the dessert?

    • Keyword: sorta. Either you’re a genius, and remembered the desert/dessert joke (in which case, Brava!) or you really need help with those tricky s’s. I’m going to give you tons of credit and say it’s the former. If some perv jumps me in the desert, I’d probably just pour sand in his eyes. It’s all about the eyes!

  5. Eric Murtaugh says:

    You know what irriates the hell outta me while I’m running? Super fit moms passing me by while pushing a double wide stroller full of kids. So yeah, I’d probably want to jam a key in one of those 80Ker’s eyeballs, too.

    • Omg me too. I came to a hill in the path and I immediately stopped and this woman sprinted up it like she was some sort of titan. I should have tripped her or something. There’s nothing more frightening than a buff woman.

    • Whaaa? I didn’t even know how to run when I was in 8th grade! Crazy. Hahah Relay for Life always brings back memories. I used to just sit around the track but I never actually did anything. 2 miles is really good! Nice work!

  6. Ahahahaha! This was so funny. I loved, I mean I was saddened and worried that you were locked in a twilight zone run-athon. The other big scare… the ipod running out of juice. Imagine having to walk or run in silence. Too terrible to think about. : )

    • Tehehe. So glad you liked! This post is so long! I’m honestly surprised that anyone read it! If it hadn’t been so nice out on the day that I ran, I would have surely killed myself. If I had to walk around in silence, I would just start talking to myself. I can relate to Tom Hanks talking to Wilson on his lonely island.

  7. No offense to any runner who might read this comment, but I think I’d like to punch all those 80k runners in the face. Just because.

    Guess I’ll be joining you for that aggression kickboxing class, Lily.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Hah running is definitely not my thing, think I’d rather stay in bed, much easier and less stressful. I know what you mean about keys as weapons, whenever I see a shady person walking my way on the street, the hands are straight in the pockets, putting a key inbetween each finger in a makeshift knuckle duster kind of way 😀

    • Yeah staying in bed is always the best choice! I love your knuckle duster idea! Pure genius! I’m getting so many good ideas on how to kill rapists. I feel like slicing someone’s face off now.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        You should totally do it, if only for practise. Choose homeless people, whose gonna miss them?

  9. Next time, when there’s an 8 lap run and the weather is nice, sit on a comfortable bench with a book and your ipod and bounce the volleyball off the heads of the racers.
    That’ll learn em!

    • I really think you and I were cut from the same cloth. I must have subconsciously known that the volleyball would come in handy some time! A smart purchase on my part.

  10. I have asthma so I’m not allowed to run. That’s what I tell people. Even though I haven’t really had asthma for like 8 years now. I get why some people would love running. It feels great to be all tired and feel productive. Not for me though. The asthma, flat feet, and fear of the public stop me from becoming the next Jackie Joyner Kersey.

    • Oh and make sure you stab with a key you already have a copy of. Would suck if your one house key was jammed into the skull of a rapist and you didn’t get it back.

      • All through middle school and high school I hated running. I actually didn’t even know how. I would just go as fast as possible and end up walking the last three laps of the mile. I hated “the mile” circuit in gym. Always painful and embarrassing.

        Good idea about the key! I never even thought about that! I would be super pissed if I couldn’t even go home and have a nice rest after my attack.

      • I always walked the mile. All 4 laps around the track. I learned that it takes around 20 minutes to walk a mile. With that I learned my walking speed is around 3 MPH. Much more valuable information than knowing I’m out of shape.

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