Animals, Feelings, Music

Potential Jobs

I’ve never really had a real job before. I’ve done a lot of babysitting and my fair share of volunteering, but never a real, certified job. People often ask me what it is that I do and I usually say “nothing” or “sit around” and that ends the conversation. And all future interest in my life.

The only person that would understand my position is Hugh Grant’s character, Will, from About A Boy. In the movie, Will lived off the royalties of his father’s one-hit music career. His love interest asked him what he did for a living, to which he answered “nothing.” I have to keep reminding myself that people are super jealous of me every time someone looks unamused when I say that I don’t have to get up at 7 am. Or ever.

So here’s a list of potential jobs that I actually would be interested in. I’m hopeful that something related to the following list will pop up in my area.

Laser Tag Patrol. If you’ve never played laser tag, you can just get outta my face because you clearly don’t understand the meaning of life. For those of you who have partaken in the sweet enterprise that is laser tag, you know that there are people who hold you in a room and explain how to use your guns and tell you not to run. Being a seasoned tagger, I know that you simply cannot explain to people that they can’t run. They won’t obey you. If I were an employee, I would not only tell the players not to run, but I would trip them if they did. Serves them right for being disobedient. See, if I worked there, not only would you end up getting a good game of laser tag, you would be taking away life lessons as well.

Even if he wasn’t running, I would trip this guy just for the hell of it.

Making movie soundtracks. I’m really good at making mixes. It’s like a gift. One of my friends asked me to make her a mix the other day because she knows that my skills are that good. See, I’m already being commissioned! I haven’t done it yet, but that’s not the point. I really have an ear for what sets a certain mood or scene or time period. I like to think that I know what songs compliment each other. No one wants a soundtrack that doesn’t flow. Maybe I could work in Apple’s Genius division in deciding which bands would go well together. You know that trick on itunes when you buy something and it’s like, “Oh you’ll probably like this band too!” I wonder how many people go on crazy itunes shopping sprees because Apple keeps leading them to music that they might like. Whenever Apple recommends something for me I ignore it. You don’t know me. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE, APPLE.

Professional Animal Playtime Specialist. I really love animals. I love playing with them and rolling around with them. They make life so much better. I love big cats like lions and tigers. I hope to someday hug a lion. If it hugs me before I get mauled, it still counts right? I think in heaven we’ll get to live freely with all of the animals in the world. That’s the only  drive I have for going to heaven. I know that animals will be there. Being a Professional Animal Playing Specialist means that I would get to play with the animals and do nothing else. No cleaning up after them, or studying their behavior. Just playtime. I would definitely deem myself a professional AND specialist because I’m just that good.

I’ve used this picture almost 100 times in this blog. Okay 3 times.

Sleep Study Guinea Pig. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that being paid to nap would be awesome. Napping is the best thing ever. The little girl I babysit doesn’t like naps. I wish I could say “Okay, I’ll take a nap for you, and you can go take care of your brother.” Apparently that’s not the way it works. I have nothing in my brain to hide. It wouldn’t bother me if someone studied my brain and took pictures of it while I slept soundly. Sounds like a dream. No pun intended. Puns are gross.

If you hear of any openings of the type of jobs I described, please contact me. I would be willing to move everything for a job that I love and that I excel in.


23 thoughts on “Potential Jobs

  1. Very funny. Love the selection/variety of jobs that you’re interested in, especially the Laser Tag patrol guy. The only down side might be that you have to hear people screaming for most of your shift, oh, and you work in the dark. Minor issues, I guess?
    I also like how you can make music suggestions and compilations but APPLE can’t! haha!

    • I love that I didn’t sign out so you commented as me. Hahah! Yeah, Apple cannot make music suggestions! Computers don’t know what the human heart does. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.

    • That’s one of the best jobs around. I guess I’m kind of a retired Pokemon trainer. I was a good one back in the day, but I just can’t keep up anymore!

    • I like that idea. I could really get people pumped to run around and shoot each other. I need to some how set up this line of work for myself because it’s just too good to pass up!

  2. Marya says:

    Michael’s comment takes-the-cake. I love the idea of “Laser Tag DJ.” You are capt’n of your ship, Lily. You, you, create that job for the Laser Tag industry. You could incorporate all of your dream jobs under one roof: laser tag DJ, have animals roaming around the Laser Tag facility and, and, there could be a “napping room” off to the side for tired laser taggers.

    I think between my idea and Michael’s, you could create YOUR dream job. Done!

    • Whoa so many good ideas flying around! I definitely like the idea of animals roaming around–double the challenge. It would be like the Hunger Games, except there’s a chance that you might get eaten by a lion or something. I need to patent this.

  3. I think you should get to referree lazer tag with a real gun.
    And you should have a weekly 10 minute spot on a news program for your observations of the week – “Lily’s guide to life” or “Lily’s guide to not pissing Lily off”.
    Like a blog, but where they pay you!

    • Ooo now we’re talkin’! (To anyone else reading this, I’m not a violent person, I swear!)
      I would love to have my own show where I just rag on everyone and everything that annoys me! True dream job! Except I think I would end up like Joan Rivers…

  4. Crash Test Dummy always seemed fun to me. You get to be the first to ride in brand spanking new cars. You also never have to worry about your hair because you don’t have any. Kind of hazardous but I like their checkered shirts.

    I’ve never been to a laser tag where they said you weren’t allowed to run. One time I told Joe Nalbone that I was out and going back to recharge. He was such a nice guy that he believed me. I turned around and shot him. I felt really bad.

    • How about settling for being in the Crash Test Dummies band? Remember that song, Mmm Mmm Mmm or whatever? So bad. I wonder if they ever got paid. But being an actual crash test dummy would be cool. There’s a ride in Epcot that’s kind of like that. I forget what it’s called though.

      Hahah omg that’s so mean. I would be the kind of person that would fall for such cruelty. I was/still am very gullible.

  5. Marya says:

    I am so into the joined ideas of Michael and myself and whoa, whoa, whoa…I smell a patent with a spiff for Michael and Marya. Michael, we could make a lot of….money together!

  6. Excellent list, spesh the first one. I’d like to be a paintball marshall which is along the same lines, I’d secretly be shooting little kids in the back of the head (which I did once). Mwahahaha.

    • Hahahha! You would! I feel like we have the same life goal. Can’t believe you were ballsy enough to shoot a child. Maybe next time you can shoot them in the face?

      • I went paintballing when I was about 19 and there was a 13 year old child running around, kept shooting me in the knee, so I shot him in the back of the head point blank range while he tried to run off and he went home with a concussion. Then his mum shot me in the testicle and that was me owned 😦

  7. Hi there,

    I love these ideas 🙂 Also… where did you find the cool pic of the guy with the lion? Only ask, ‘cos as it happens I know him and I’m dying to know where else it is online 🙂

    Awesome blog!!

    • Haha so glad you like them! Thanks for stopping by! I found the picture in a google search….so I don’t know how legal it is that I took it. I usually link them back to the source, but I’m not sure what the website is. I’ll look around for you!

      Thanks so much!! 😀

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