Spy Games

Spying on people is kind of the best thing ever. It’s like people watching but better because you can watch from the privacy of your own home. You can laugh and point all you want because no one can see you. One of my favorite spying memories is from a hotel in downtown Victoria, B.C. My mom stays in a hotel that has a good view of the harbor so they provide guests with hi-tech binoculars. They’re a never-ending source of entertainment. I’m able to spy on people hundreds of yards away. It’s perfect. I feel like I’m in charge of my own planet of mini people.

What are you really going to find with a magnifying glass? Do they even make those anymore?

Ever since I’ve moved here there’s been apartments being built right outside my window. I spy on the construction workers all the time. I know when they’re slacking off or listening to music. I can even peek inside the apartment windows and see what kind of fake-o granite was picked for the counter tops. There have been a couple of times when I’ve had to use my super stealth moves in order to avoid the gaze of the workers. I’m starting to think that I might be the closest thing to a female version of James Bond.

This really gets me thinking though, what if you saw something that you weren’t supposed to see? Of course I’m thinking of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. The main character, who happens to be in a wheelchair, finds himself dying of boredom and ends up spying on his neighbors. He believes one of them is a murderer and tries to convince his girlfriend (played by Grace Kelly) that he’s not crazy.

Grace Kelly wouldn't date James Stewart in real life FYI.

If I witnessed a murder I don’t really know what I would do. You can’t really call the police. I mean, you could, but what if they couldn’t find anything on the guy (I’m not even going to try to be politically correct. Girls aren’t murderers. Except Casey Anthony. Why hasn’t anyone killed her yet, by the way?) and then the guy knows that you know about his secret. You’re definitely dead after that. So I would probably just sit there and not tell anyone. I mean, what’s a girl to do?

They recently modernized the story of Rear Window. Disturbia is a similar story of a young guy (played by my love, Shia LaBeouf) who’s on house arrest because he beat up one of his teachers. Living the dream, he’s suspended from school and left to his own devices. He spies on all of his neighbors, suspecting one of being a murderer. I really liked this movie. It might have been because of the scene where Shia eats peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon and pours chocolate sauce all over it. That scene made me realize that there are people in the world who are just like me.

I'm sensing a binocular theme...

Have you ever thought about phones being tapped? What if someone listened to all of your conversations? If they listened to mine they would realize that my mom and I can make a conversation about literally anything. Paul and I have our own type of weird language (as you do when you get married) so they wouldn’t be able to understand us without using the Rosetta Stone. The actual Rosetta Stone, not that computer program for people who want to learn Italian in 2 days.