Animals, Surroundings


I don’t know about you guys, but I like to think that mythical creatures used to and still do exist. My grandma passed down a book to me (or my mom…I don’t really remember. My mom and I are pretty interchangeable anyway) simply titled Faeries. It has every folkloric creature that you could find in nature. Some of the best creatures, in my opinion, are Mermaids.

Every child’s first introduction to mermaids should be through the movie, The Little Mermaid. I’ll be the first to admit that Ariel is kind of retarded. First of all she’s a ginger. And I mean that in the worst possible way. She’s a flaming, fire engine red, ginger. She likes adventure, but she gives her voice away in return for legs. Umm that’s a really bad trade. Although, Ursula’s song is very convincing. “And don’t underestimate the importance of BODY LANGUAGE.” Wtf is Ursula anyway? She’s like half octopus half lesbian? I also love Ariel’s thought process: “If I become human, I’ll never be with my father or sisters again…” cut to her signing the scroll. Wow, you must have really loved your family.

A ginger wearing pink. Really, Disney?

Onto more realistic mermaids. The movie Splash really opened my eyes to what mermaids are really like–They save people from drowning, they can teach themselves English incredibly quickly, and they have the power to give themselves legs whenever they want. Did you know all it takes is a little iodized salt to change them back, too?! The things you learn. Basically everything in The Little Mermaid is a lie.  One of Ariel’s best friends is Sebastian the crab, yet Madison plows into a lobster like it’s her favorite meal. Hmmm. It seems like being naked on the beach is the only consistency between these two gals.

Is there any way you can avoid rolling in all that seaweed?

It wasn’t until later in life that I realized that mermaids aren’t at all like how they’ve been portrayed on the big screen. Some mermaids are indeed helpful and kind to sailors, but many had tempers and would specifically target men traveling across the sea. People often confuse mermaids with Sirens who were also women that would lure sailors from their ships hoping to kill them. Mermaids have been around forever–since 1000 B.C. Some were even recorded to be 2,000 feet long. I feel like ancient record keepers over exaggerated a lot.

At least she’s not using a fork to comb her hair. Or is she?

OMG wait. This just in: “Claimed sightings of dead or living mermaids have come from places as diverse as Java and British Columbia. There are two Canadian reports from the area of Vancouver and Victoria, one from sometime between 1870 and 1890, the other from 1967.” AHHHHH. BRB going mermaid spotting.

Other mermaids have been portrayed in movies like Pirates of the Caribbean 10 (there’s been 10 of those movies, right?). Mermaid tears are needed to open a secret door. Apparently mermaid tears are rare because they’re such biatches.

Skanks and hos.


24 thoughts on “Merfolk

  1. LOL!!!! “If I become a human I’ll never be with my father or sisters…” Cut to her signing the scroll!!!!!! I have to love Ariel for that reason alone, even if she does wear pink with her Ginger hair.
    You’ve raised lots of good points, there seem to be a lot of inaccuracies. Maybe the “scientists” that study mermaids don’t want us to compare mermaid stories for that reason?

    • Hahah oh yeah! Ariel should be your life role model!

      That could be true. I need to go on the search for some mermaids. So I can write about the facts. Like all good reporters do.

  2. No mention of Aquamarine? Geez Jo-Jo is right up your wheelhouse.

    I liked this post a lot. It was informative and reminded me of my first film crushes, the Mermaids who make-out with Peter Pan (Robin Williams) after he falls off the plank in Hook. I loved those colorful haired emo mermaids.

    I saw a picture of a dead mermaid one time. It was scary and probably fake. But the same goes for the popular girls in my high school. Scary and fake. Not dead unfortunately.

    Here’s a profane fact about mermaids. Sailors in olden times would have sex with walruses because their vaginas are very human-like. I still don’t know how much this is true, where I heard it, or why I have always remembered that, but it’s in my head now and haven’t had a chance to share that until now. Or maybe I have before. If so then this is a reminder.

    • HAHAHA omg I was going to mention Aquamarine but I didn’t have a good joke to go with it. The only thing I had was that the girl who played Aquamarine also played a rape victim. She’s so versatile.
      I also saw a dead mermaid at a carnival once. In one of those tents full of “wonders”. I think this one was fake as well.
      Ewwww. First of all, I like to think that all walruses are males. Second of all, you WOULD remember that and then taint my blog with it.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    I never really had a crush on mermaids, sure they’re hot up top and all but they’re quite impractical, how would you do other stuff with them? How would they drive you to the hospital if you were ill? How would they cook breakfast for you and then bring it upstairs. In all honesty they’re useless.

    Get them bitches thrown on a BBQ I say.

    • So loving and kind, Pete. You can’t even entertain the idea of loving a Mermaid? I mean, obviously they can have legs sometimes. Tom Hanks fell in love with one in Splash. Granted, he turned into a Merman in the end. MERMAN!

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I could possibly love one if I was a merman, because then I’d get the opposite fish parts and I could go swimming all day long and scare unsuspecting children then crush their sand castles with my fins! Mwahahaha!

        Yes, I want to be a merman now.

    • Not as of yet…! If I see one, I’m going to change my degree to Mermaid Studies and make millions.

      Splash is good, and very 80’s. You might like it! Yeah, Sebastian was such a good pal…

  4. I never liked Ariel–she was a hoarder, she stole, she lied, she didn’t listen to her parents, she signed away everything she was for a guy, she was another example of the whole without a man you are nothing, but, mostly because she hoarded. I can’t get the walrus thing out of my mind now, Moose. ew. ew. and double ew.

    • She was a hoarder! But I guess if you have the entire ocean as your house, it doesn’t really matter?
      I don’t know if I could woo someone without being able to talk. I must admit, the girl’s got skills.

  5. “Apparently mermaid tears are rare because they’re such biatches.”
    So what you’re saying is, mermaids are ass-kickers? Is that right, Lily?
    Interesting, theory…

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