Have you ever walked into a store and you’re immediately greeted by a salesperson? And then they follow you around the entire store telling you what items they really love. And then tell you about every product that you glance at. I hate those people. Surprise, surprise.

I feel like Los Angeles would be home to a lot of those types for some reason. Maybe because everyone there annoys me? Or because they all think they know what everyone wants. Or how much someone wants to spend. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

There’s a way to stop a salesperson from doing this. If they come up to you and say “Don’t you absolutely adore this new coat we JUST got in?” You simply reply with, “Actually, I don’t really like that.” OR “Ew what kind of tacky hoe would wear that?” OR “Don’t talk to me.” They all usually work. Just depends what kind of mood you’re in!

The other day I had a situation that I couldn’t talk my way out of. It was terrifying. Paul and I were in a sporting goods store and I was looking at running shoes. There were some really cool Nike ones that there turquoise and purple that I liked. I asked if I could try them on and the salesman (who looked like a thicker version of Mark McGrath) said, “Can I check your feet first?” Assuming that he was going to measure my feet, I took of my shoes. He asked me if he could see how I walk. Looking back, I should have said no. But I walked and he said that my feet need a stability shoe. So the shoe I picked wouldn’t do anything for my feet.

Kind of like these.

I guess that makes sense. And maybe he had my best interest in mind, but that still annoyed me. What if I wanted the Nike ones?! I usually wear Asics and that’s the kind he recommended for me and the kind that I ended up buying, but it just annoyed me that he put me in a position where it was weird for me to ask to try them on. The thing is, he was nice. But he acted like he knew everything about feet. Paul asked about his feet and oddly enough, his type of shoe was stability as well. I think this guy just diagnoses everyone the same. If he knows so much about feet, why isn’t he a podiatrist? Why is he working at the shoe department in a sporting goods store?

Do all slimy guys look like this?

These kinds of people can ruin a perfectly good shopping experience. I especially hate when people take their jobs so seriously. Me purchasing shoes doesn’t depend on how well you sell them. It depends on how badly I need shoes. At least I don’t have to smell people’s feet all day.


22 thoughts on “Over-selling

  1. Bonus points to anyone who can come up with a good Mark McGrath/shoe-foot pun. I can’t! Damn one-hit wonders making it difficult.

    My dad taught me how to avoid this. Always look mean and give them an attitude when they ask you if you need help. Unless they’re a cute girl. Talk to them as much as possible. I don’t even get asked to donate to softball teams anymore I’m so good at looking mean.


    • Timismea doesn’t have the same ring to it! I try to look mean, and sometimes it actually works! But when you have to ask a question, that’s when it sucks. You have no other choice but to talk to them. Life’s hardships.

  2. I usually pretend I’m deaf and deliver a classic “YUH WAA” response to anything they say to me. Of course, if I do actually want to buy something I have to keep that up. Quite embarrassing if it’s someone I actually know serving me.

    I remember when I did outbound sales over the phone, I used to pretend I was deaf then too… oddly didn’t get any sales from that technique.

    • Hahah that’s pretty clever. I could totally picture you doing that and then seeing someone you know. Suave.
      Hah yeah I’m not sure if it works the other way around. No one wants to buy stuff from a deaf person. Or so I would assume.

  3. I’ve found that a good crotch-chop works nicely as well. How about giving THIS a test-drive?!? WHACK!!!

    Actually, during my Boston years I discovered a great trick to ward off panhandlers. Just put a hand to your ear, wave it around a little and scream “IB DEF!” Even the most junked-out wino will find it difficult to “negotiate” with a deaf guy. Worked every time.

      • Hahah oh Brian. No need to hide from embarrassment. I still think your comment was original! Hitting people and pretending you’re handicapped (is deafness a handicap?) seems to be the most rational response.
        I know it would definitely work on me. If I was a salesperson, I would turn right around after finding out they’re deaf. It’s just no fun screaming at someone, hoping that they can hear you.

        I’m the worst person.

  4. Such clever testosterone responses! I just say, “I’m just browsing, I’ll be sure to find you if I should need you.” That usually does the trick. And then I mumble something under my breath. Solid.

    And by the way, who doesn’t need “Stability?” “Um, actually, I thought I’d go with the unstable shoes – I find they work best when I’m playing sports.”

    • I know! These guys really know how to handle tough situations like these. We need them with us at all times!

      That’s a good point about stability. He also said something about my feet being neutral. He’s throwing around too many random words. What a freak a leak.

  5. I like to respond with an unrelated surreal question of my own:

    “Those are nice but how easy is it to get blood out of them?”
    “Are the tops thick enough to prevent bone shards traveling at…say…7 mph from passing through?”
    “Can I walk quietly in these? How about if I’m carrying a chainsaw? That’s off, I mean. Obviously they’d hear me coming if it’s on.”
    “Have you ever used a chainsaw?”

    That usually gets them to leave me alone.

    • Wait. This is the best response. Just to see the look on people’s faces. And of course, to prevent them from ever talking to a possible criminal ever again.

      • Sometimes it goes in unexpected directions. Once talked with a salesgirl in Home Depot for a half hour about which freezers were best for storing bodies, and how many torsos could be crammed into each…

        She got extra credit for just going with it.

  6. Bad, bad Lily. He had the health and well-being of your knees in mind the whole time.

    I remember popping into a proper sports shop once and spent about 20 minutes doing that stuff. I was wearing a suit and the woman had me belting along on the treadmill testing the different types of shoes out.

    Proper sales people are a complete pain the arse though. Piss the pissing hell off you pissing piece of piss (that’s to the salesman, not you).

    • With a suit on? Geeze that’s asking a lot. They can definitely piss off. Damn them for wanting to do their job and making me do all the work.

  7. I hate when I go into a store, don’t buy what is being showing (shoved in my face) and the clerk doesn’t even wait for me to leave out of earshot before she starts talking about me. I don’t go that often, folks, don’t eff it up for me, okay? Makes me want to walk back to where the gossips are standing and saying, “I know, am I not the worst customer ever?? Wow. What a cheap bitch I am, right?”

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