Causes of My Future Death

I wouldn’t say that I’m someone that lives on the edge. At all. I’ve tempted fate on many occasions, but hey! I’m still here. I started thinking about all of the stupid stuff that I’ve done (and that I still do) that could eventually lead to my death. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I died from the following causes:

1. Texting while driving. I used to do this more at home. Just because I know the roads so well, and I’m an overall pro at driving. I know this is a bad one because it’s so easily preventable–don’t pick up your stupid phone. It’s so tempting though! And believe me, whenever someone isn’t paying attention to the road I’m the first to say, “Ugh he/she’s probably texting.” I only text at red lights now, so that’s an improvement, right?

2. Jaywalking. I’ve had people pull me back on the sidewalk by the collar of my jacket. I’ve almost been ran over by a bus multiple times. Whenever I think its clear, I start going. Its rare when I wait at a crosswalk for the flashing red hand to turn into the white walking man. Hey, isn’t that racist? I really just don’t like people in their cars looking at me when I’m just standing there. I also don’t like it when homeless people ask me for money when I’m standing and waiting. It’s so awkward if you don’t have any change. You just have to stand there and look in a different direction. Or let them talk to you about how they haven’t eaten in a week. They know just what to say to make me super uncomfortable. So my goal is to just keep walking.

Okay, black lights probably wouldn't work.

3. Tanning. This will not cause my immediate death, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have skin cancer by the time I’m 30. I don’t even get super tan. I just like the feeling of warmth from the tanning beds. It’s like being inside the womb again. Plus, you don’t look all pasty and sick afterwards. I have a couple of friends that love to guilt trip me for going tanning. It just makes me want to go more. Hmm instead of having this conversation, I could be in a warm cocoon of love right now. But, yeah they’re probably right–when I’m older my skin will be nasty and I’ll probably have had cancer like 5 times. Can having absolutely no foresight be a cause of death?

4. Walking alone at night. I did this a lot during my study abroad. My friends and I all lived in different places around the town so we all ended up walking home on our own. I chose the shortest path that I could. Unfortunately that included going under this “rape-tunnel” as I liked to call it. Apparently some guy murdered his girlfriend in this tunnel. It was under the train tracks. It was dimly lit, had graffiti-ed walls and absolutely no one would be able to hear you if you were dying. I always walked tall and kind of ran through the tunnel. I’m honestly surprised that nothing happened to me because that’s just a creepy situation.

5. Spontaneous Combustion. I feel like I would be one of those rare people that spontaneously combusts. There have been 200 cases of this phenomenon in the last 300 years. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was one of the rare few. Sometimes I get a weird heart burn feeling, and I usually take it as a sign that my combustion process has started. But I think it’d usually because I had too much pizza.

Instead of crying, I would be making my I-knew-this-was-gonna-happen face.

How do you think you’ll end up biting the dust?


27 thoughts on “Causes of My Future Death

  1. Love your analysis of crosswalks and race.

    I will either die in a car accident, heart attack, or something strange with my brain. I drive way too much and I’m about due for being thrown into a tree, both of my grandfathers died of heart attacks, and the brain thing is just a feeling I get. I used to get headaches a lot. My head also changes sizes. It used to be really big then it got small now it’s getting bigger again. I have been reading more so that could be it. Fingers crossed!

    • Haha thanks.I actually thought that line was very Mooselicker of me. Hey, look! You have a style. You’re pretty much famous now.
      I like the fact that your head shrunk at one point in your life. Maybe your body just grew? Nahh. But yeah, sounds like you’re due for a car accident since you drive a lot. RIP grandpas 😦

      • I’m happy to know that I have my own style. More than happy but most of the other words I wanted to use are too hard to spell and I don’t feel like typing that somewhere else to find out.

        It’s definitely the head growing and shrinking and growing. I have no doubt.

        My one grandpa died in 1958. Difficult to feel any connection to him.

    • I read your post! I looked at the world’s scariest bridges and I think the rope bridges are the scariest! That’s just asking for an Indiana Jones scene.
      Just stay away from bridges and hopefully you’ll live a long and prosperous life. I sound like a fortune cookie.

  2. Lol on the spontaneous combustion! “a sign that my combustion process has started.” haha! I’m thinking a car accident for myself? I don’t text but I do my eye makeup in the rear view mirror. Somehow that feels unsafe? –Especially when I scratch my cornea and I’m driving with one teary eye. hahaha!

    When I had my DNA done it said I could likely live to be 107. I’m pretty spiritual. I’m hoping That I’ll be granted special permission to just “cross over” without experiencing mortal death. Wouldn’t that be great?!

    • Hmm I’m surprised you didn’t die from social suicide after having to wear an eye patch! Haha. Jk you rocked it.
      I honestly won’t know what to do with you when you’re into the 100’s. I’ll be like ummmmmmmmmmm okay A BUH BYE.

    • Addie says:

      You can have your DNA done?? So cool! Unless it comes back with, “Death. Yeah. Um, you may want to make those ‘I love you’ phone calls in the next couple of days. Just a suggestion.”.

      Only chumps put their eye-make up at home in the bathroom. Give me a moving vehicle every time!

      • Lisa says:

        That’s the only size mirror I care to see myself in. I can only handle a 3 inch by 8 inch rectangle of myself, otherwise I get nauseous.

  3. Number 2 in that list is pure genius. Everything about it offends my logical IT brain but it was very funny.

    I will probably die due to my own laziness. Water is transparent and so is bleach. Therefore bleach is safe to drink.

    *cardiac arrest*

    • Thanks man! I like offending people, yet making them laugh at the same time.
      I could see you accidentally drinking bleach. I mean, it’s happened to people before. You could be one of the few.

    • Haha I bet you’ll be dancing on a bar naked, trip and fall, and knock your head on the edge of the bar and die. Death by bar. Seems like your type of thing.

  4. I imagine it will be when I’m on a phone call much like the one I just hung up from, with those terrible phone trees (Hey, Chase? Well done on the printable phone tree map!) when I am screaming, “YOU’RE KILLING ME HERE!!!” to the phone who keeps asking for info I don’t have. I’ll be yelling, “YOU’RE KILLING ME HE–”

    Please have the flags lowered to half mast, I deserve that honor. (said in a pursed lipped ‘ah HUH’ finger snap voice full of sarcasm)

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    I’ve often had to be pulled back onto the pavement as well. I don’t pay attention. Cars should stop for me anyway just in case I want to cross the road. I shouldn’t have to wait for them to stop.

    I remember taking a load of online death tests years ago and they all said I was going to die at 25, mainly of cancer. But I’m nearly 27 now and I’m (as far as I’m aware) cancer free and healthy so I now have it in my head that I’ll live forever.

    I’m gonna be one of those people that has to have their arse wiped by someone 60 years younger and just finally die one day sat on the toilet. That’s what my future has in store for me.

    • Yeah if I’m a pedestrian, people better respect me. But if I’m driving, that’s a whole other story. People need to get outta my way!
      Hah you probably would live forever. If anyone could, it would probably be you.
      Ugh I hope someone kills me once I get to be 90, because I wouldn’t want anyone wiping my butt. So degrading.

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