Exercise, P0wning N3wbs

Hot Yoga = Highway to Hell

I assume Dexter only takes cold showers.

For some reason I thought doing yoga poses in a hot room with other smelly people sounded like a good idea. I used to have no regrets. Now I can honestly say that I regret doing something. If you’re into self-inflicted torture, hot yoga is for you.

I got a Groupon for a full month of hot yoga. I hate the word groupon almost as much as I hate hot yoga. I got a really good deal though. Who knew causing pain to yourself could be so expensive?

When I arrived to the Bikram yoga center, a class had just gotten out. Everyone was so sick and sweaty. That should have been my first sign to run. Run far away and never come back. I also made the mistake of going in the locker room. Let me just say, locker rooms can either be luxurious, or cellars full of naked people. This one was the latter. I know, I know. Everyone is the same. Everyone has a body. That’s fine. But, everyone does not have a body with saggy butt skin. Just because you are allowed to be naked in a locker room doesn’t mean that you should be. Barf.

I was already semi-naush from seeing  pale, old bodies when I got up to the yoga room. It was really warm. Probably set at 90 degrees. Laying down felt good. It kind of reminded me of being in a tanning bed (I don’t care about skin cancer) but with more humidity. Once we started doing poses, I started to get a little light-headed. It wasn’t just me though, lots of people were sitting down and/or leaving. I deemed anyone that was smiling or having fun a mutant.

I thought the class today was only an hour. Turns out it was 90 minutes. I decided to leave after an hour and 10 minutes, like a trooper. When I got up, the teacher said, “Are you sure you want to leave and give up on yourself?” Oh sorry, now that you phrase it that way, YES. How did she know that I wasn’t standing up because I wanted to run a few laps around everyone? So quick to judge! Anyway, she’s on my hit list now.

The room downstairs that once felt warm when I entered the building, now felt frigid compared to the heat upstairs. My whole body was shaking. Is this what people feel like after getting beat up? Probably. I took a cold shower when I got home. A cold shower. The only people that take cold showers are serial killers and dictators. And people who are close to death after hot yoga.

The thing is, I really like yoga, Pilates, stretching and dancing. This just wasn’t my cup of tea. All I’m saying is, if you like this kind of activity, you’re a world-class psycho.


52 thoughts on “Hot Yoga = Highway to Hell

  1. Addie says:

    I read this, and, because I respect the fact you didn’t stab that instructor in the face, I managed to work up a bead of sweat in your honor.

  2. AgrippingLife says:

    What a Be-otch! I would have given her a piece of my mind as soon as she exited the room. And maybe a piece of my fist? Also, I would have left after about 5 minutes. That’s how long I tried spinning for. Why suffer needlessly.
    Saggy Butt skin!!! Hahaha!
    I can’t believe you took a cold shower! That’s so not you!!! You must have been burning up?!!

    • I know. I was too tired to care though. Yeah well, I wanted to have a nap, but I was so sweaty that I couldn’t crawl into bed…so cold shower it was! Bleck!

      • Bob says:

        ur weak cant handle it, dont discourage people on something that is beneficial, im usually exicitied to go see some fine asses and get a good workout god damnnn

      • I’m pretty sure I can handle it, it just sucks. I’d rather do something that makes me feel good than something that makes me feel like death. And smells like BO and feet.

        And you kind of sound like a rapist, btw.

  3. Eek! One of my girl friends raves about hot Bikram yoga and has been trying to get me to do it for ages, but not one single word of what you wrote about it sounds like a good time.

    Way to go on staying for almost the whole time though!

    • Thanks girl! Yeah, some people love it! I just don’t get it. I usually like stuff like that, but I guess when you add extreme heat to exercise, it just gets gross!

    • Zing! I should’ve said that. What a loser. The thing is, she wasn’t even doing the moves with us! What a joke! Must be nice to just stand around…while we suffer. Like a modern day Hitler.

  4. Marya says:

    Guilty as charged! I did the Bikram Yoga thing for $35 for one month. Here’s how I see it. It is a franchise. It is a cult. After going to Bikram a few times, a friend and I decided to do some research. Something just wasn’t right with the instructors. They know you by name the first time they meet you. I have seen one of the instructors at Whole Foods AND Trader Joes. I ducked because I didn’t want her to see me and say, “Hey Marya. Great ‘sebasana’ the other day.” The instructors also speak in low, passive-aggressive, mono-tone voices. After some careful research (my friend and I covertly interviewed some of the sales clerks at Lulu Lemon) I discovered that the franchise owner at the Bikram near my home holds the instructors in a cell, I mean apartment, and the instructors travel from town to town. “They don’t stay in one city for very long,” said a source close to the situation. My friend and I concluded that: Bikram Yoga Instructor + Bikram Franchise Onwer = Sex Slave Trading. This is beyond anything Third World my book.

    One of the times I went, the instructor said in front of the class, “Marya, don’t wipe the seat off your face. It only encourages more sweat to appear.”

    On the way to drive my son to rowing, if we time it right, we can get to the stop light and have a perfect view of the sweat slaves doing Bikram. Every time the children say to me, “Mom, why are they all wearing their underwear and doing those weird poses?”

    The locker room…gross. The smell…gross. Everyone sweating…gross. Men in their underwear…gross. Sorry Lily…you did it though. Ten Bikram, Sex Slave points for YOU!

  5. I did my own sampling of hot-box yoga. I thought I had contracted a skin disease and even went to the doctor. It turns out that I have really sensitive skin and got heat rash. I hate hot box. But I love Vinyassa yoga…even though I don’t go anymore. I once did it every week. I was with child at the time (that’s for you, Addie), and did it from a DVD at home. Those 41 weeks were the most exercise I’ve ever cumulatively done over my life.

    • Oh yeah? Heat rashes stink! I’ve never had one, but I’m going to assume that they’re no fun. I do other forms of yoga, especially in DVD form. Privacy of your own home is priceless. Good for you for staying active whilst pregnant!

    • Addie says:

      Aw, thanks!! Isn’t that a great term, though? The with child one, not the one about a hot heat rash.

      PS I’m fairly sure Groupon is a cult, too–selling the middle class version of food stamps. And, yes, I’ve bought them as gifts!! I drank the Groupon Kool-Aid!

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    I hate being hot and sweaty when I’m not doing anything, nevermind being told to pull shapes. You did right in walking out!

    • Hah thanks Pete. Yeah I sometimes like being sweaty, like after a really good workout. Then I feel like Rocky. But if I’m just standing around and holding my leg up…I should no be dripping in sweat. Just not natural!

  7. Does hot yoga differ from normal yoga in any way other than the temperature at which you do it in? ‘Cos it’s just a gimmick by the sounds of things and you don’t burn any extra calories or lose any extra weight either.

    It has to be said that gym changing rooms can be hell on earth. Reaching round into your locker, desperately hoping that you don’t touch bums with the guy trying to squeeze past you is traumatic.

    I did pilates for a year a while back, it’s surprising how exhausting it can be.

    • I agree 100% with Michael. There’s no benefit to exercising in heat, no matter what they tell you. I’ve read enough articles to know the truth. It’s just a gimmick.
      If anything it can be dangerous. Remember what happened recently in that sweat lodge? Neither do the people inside because they died. Extreme heat = death. Let that be a lesson to you. : )

      Oh, and Marya apologizes for writing a lengthy response. She said she can’t help herself! Oy!

    • No, its really not. You would think that they would choose poses specifically made for hot yoga, but they just do the regular poses.Pretty lame.
      Locker rooms are so traumatizing, I totally agree. I can’t even imagine what the male locker rooms are like.
      Yeah, I like pilates too! I like feeling sore in my stomach!

  8. What’s the point in making it hot? That’s just going to kill someone some day.

    Dexter bothers me because he always seems to be eating like shit and never lifts weights yet he’s in tip-top shape. No one who eats that much eggs and bacon and only owns a treadmill is built like he is. That show is such a lie.

    • I’ve learned that the only reason they make it hot is for people to suffer. It’s literally the worst.
      I agree. He eats his eggs and bacon like a beast every morning. Maybe he’s not fat because he has so many activities? He always running around. I’m sure stabbing people is a good adrenaline rush though.

  9. Hmm… I’ve always wanted to try this Bikram stuff. You may have changed my mind…

    P.S: I f*****g looooove Dexter! I just started watching it when the latest season was airing, and I am so obsessed.

    • OMG me tooo! I am equally obsessed! I’ve tried getting everyone in my family to watch it with me…! The only season I didn’t really like was Season 3. But every other one has been amazing!

    • Sasha! Bloody hell, you ruined the entire thing for me!

      I am going to get revenge. Just you wait. If I ever find out which farmer you get your cheese from… woe betide any puff-pastry recipes you cook in future.

      • Oh no! Michael, I am so sorry! I didn’t even think about the fact I might’ve been ruining it for someone by making that comment.

        I guess I shouldn’t tell you that he kills Deb, eats her flesh, and then Dexter turns into a fairy as a coping mechanism…

      • Michael, its you own fault for not watching Dexter sooner. You should have know that!
        Can we write a script where this scenario really happens? Endless entertainment!

  10. -J- says:

    Wow…Lily….you have no idea what yoga is about…this is apparent in your blog and in your comments. Pilates is physical excercise. Yoga is not. Just because you may be moving and sweating, does not make yoga physical excercise. I suggest you take some time and educate yourself about yoga. By the way…some day your ass will be saggy and you will look back on this blog and think maybe you were being judgemental, immature, and self-absorbed. Peace.

    From someone who practices REAL yoga…not that superficial kind that some of you people THINK that you are doing.

    • Are you fat? I bet you are fat. Humongously so which is why you do yoga, a form of non-physical exercise that allows you to feel like you are in control of your body in some way. Much like the tubbers who order Diet Coke with their extra large helping of McDonalds lard bars.

      Yoga is serious business. Did you get equally upset at the suggestion that Dexter only takes cold showers?

    • Wow yeah. I guess you have to be perfect at yoga, or just not do it at all. Shame on me for trying something new. If hot yoga would make me as nasty and creepy as you are, then I really don’t think it’s for me. I’ll probably never have a saggy butt because I do actual exercise instead of sitting in a sauna and stretching.

      By the way, life is SO much better when you have a sense of humor.

    • J.
      You’ve got to be kidding me with this comment? You sound so incredibly insecure. “I suggest you take some time and educate yourself about yoga.” I’m uneasy about throwing the word ‘educate’ in the same sentence as ‘yoga’. The amount of time needed, NO TIME since yoga is a mind numbing, brainless activity. Please do us all a favor and take your downward dog and find another blog, hopefully one that appreciates humorless twits.

  11. Carmen says:

    I love Moksha Yoga. There are Moksha Yoga studios opening up all over the world, most recently in Los Angeles. It’s another form of Hot Yoga, but user friendly and accessible to everyone. Personally I’ve been doing non heated yoga for over 10 years, and then started Moksha Yoga over a year ago, I’m totally hooked. All yoga is good you just have to find the one that works for you.


  12. Taylor Anne says:

    I love bikram yoga, sorry it didn’t work for you. Every studio is different and no, the instructors are not anything like an underground slave sex trade, those guys might just be visiting teachers checking out new studios in different parts of the world. They are loving checking out a new town for a few weeks in exchange for teaching a few classes….

    • I think you’re right. I will definitely give it another try sometime at a different place. I have actually been hearing a bunch of my friends who like hot yoga, saying that the place where I went wasn’t that good. So maybe second time’s a charm?! 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • I can honestly say that my lifestyle is 100% better than anyone else’s that I know. But good try. Remind me how a blog post is ruining other people’s lives?

      Also, I’m able to spell haters correctly, unlike you so that’s gotta count for something, right?

  13. My ex made me go to one of these hot Yoga classes in Scarborough. Fuck that. I sweated through male Yoga pants, and a tee-shirt, to the point where I was literally dripping everywhere on my body.

    Then, because (due to her idiocy) I had already had a leg problem from a week before, my weak knee kicked in again, and I had to rest. Then she called me a wimp.

    I’m a wimp? At least I don’t go to a fucking sauna to get my workout kicks.

    Biggest waste of my time and money ever. Never again. Also thankful that the stupid ex is out of my life too, now that I think of it.

    Personally have nothing good to say about Moksha Yoga.

    • I can’t be positive, but I’m pretty sure you’re my favorite person. But hey, at least we tried it so we can complain about it forever, right?

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