Act Natural

I just hate all of them so so much.

I used to think that I was going to be an actress. I must have had crack sprinkled on my chicken nuggets as a child because I can’t think of a reason why anyone would want to pursue that career.

For some reason my parents supported my ridiculous life choices and let me take actor’s workshops. Why couldn’t thay have pushed me into Russian ballet? One year I did two excerpts from plays that I don’t remember the names of. They went well so I decided to try it again.

In the next workshop I did, I was in one mini play with this other girl. It was about Noah’s Ark or something like that. I played Mrs. Noah and the other girl played a bumble bee. Looking back, this made no sense. During the play I forgot my lines, and instead of improvising, I ran off stage crying. Like, full dramatic crying. I refused to go back on and try it again. It was definitely my most memorable performance. Following that traumatic experience, I was in A Bug’s Life play ( I guess they can make anything into a play…?) and I was a minor character. After that, I buried my dream of being an actress along with my dream of being a pokemon trainer. Never gonna catch em all.

I babysit two days a week and I can’t help noticing the actors on children’s shows. They’re the worst. Also, what part of a person has to completely die in order for them to agree to “act” in a children’s show? I would gladly volunteer for a lobotomy before I did that.

Adult actors on children’s shows are so cringe-worthy. As if I already didn’t want to end my life because I’m watching a show called The Fresh Beat Band, now I have to see people my age singing, dancing, and making the worst jokes ever. It’s painful. Look at  the guy in the yellow and blue getup. His name on the show is Twist. He bothers me the most. He bothers me SO much that I had to find out his real name on IMDB. His real name is Jon Beavers. Sucks to be him.

I literally cannot look away when this show is on because it’s so awful. Here’s a taste.




35 thoughts on “Act Natural

  1. Addie says:

    Didn’t those leggings under a flippy skirt go out sometime in 1989, or, are they back again and I’ve not noticed? Either way, they look wretched. My daughter wanted to be an actor and an obstetrician. Instead, she became a Pokemon trainer.

    • Omg jealous. I wasn’t one of the chosen ones, I guess.
      Even if the legging under a flippy skirt was in, it wouldn’t make me hate “Kiki” any less.

  2. Marya says:

    Let’s hope these crazy post-teens parlay into another career that will serve them well. I’m thinking this is why, when my children were super young (5, 3, & 2… baby four not born yet) I refused anything cable and had them watch (memorize, actually) Christopher Guest’s “Waiting for Guffman.” We fast forwarded to the “play” that appears at the end of the movie. It’s classic. They still know the words to the songs and we quote from it all the time. Lily, “pack some heat” next time you babysit and sneak in some Christopher Guest: “Waiting for Guffman,” “Best in Show,” try “Spinal Tap.” Don’t pre-approve any of this with the parents. I promise, the kids won’t say a thing. Tell them if they feel like quoting any of the movies you show them, they can call their Aunt Lily and they can review or purge the quotes to you over the phone.

    Just another healthy babysitting tip from yours truly…Mother-of-the-Year…Marya

    • Ahh I’ve thought of that idea myself actually. But with movies I watched as a child, not spinal tap. Although, that is one of the greats!
      No wonder your kids are so funny and great!

  3. Are any of those characters worse than Screech from Saved by the Bell? I hated him so much and now we have someone in the office who looks a bit like him. I can’t watch the video at work.

    Whenever I see someone on TV using a computer or playing a computer game I can tell that they aren’t actually using it. Do you ever get the same thing when a babysitter comes on screen? Something that makes you think “a real babysitter would never do that”.

    • Oh all the time. But I can really say anything because I’m the kind of babysitter that doesn’t mind sitting in front of the tv all day. Why exert energy if you don’t have to? Hhah

  4. Lisa says:

    “What part of a person has to to die…” So funny and true! Something in their soul goes cold. I never watched Saved By the Bell probably because I knew their was a character named, Screech on it. Why do the writer’s of these shows feel the need to use names like Screech, Twist and Boner. That’s right, no one speaks of Boner because we all loved Growing Pains so we looked the other way. Seriously. If you had that name in high school you would slit your wrists.

    • We only look past Boner because he actually became successful. If Leo didn’t do anything else besides Growing Pains, I’m sure he would be known as Boner for the rest of his life. Plus he was cute. Plus Growing Pains was the best.

  5. Haha – I can relate to this. I used to want to be an actress when I WAS younger.
    After I got pushed off the stage by a competitive little brat, who also stole my leggings out of jealousy because I got better parts in the musical than her I realised acting just isn’t for me. I really liked your article by the way.
    Keep up the good work.

    • People’s worst attributes come out on stage I guess! I can’t believe that little girl was such a jerk. Who steals someone’s leggings?! Only creeps.
      Thanks so much for reading! Glad you enjoyed it!

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    All of those people in that video are definitely crack addicts by now. They must have been on something to be in that, no one is that happy.

    • Ugh I feel your pain. The Wiggles are extra creepy because they’re like 40 year old men. But they do have Australian accents which seem to ease the pain for some reason.

      • It was actually a quite dull comment I made, but I had to be fast… But those people are so very… eeeg. And eeeg doesn’t mean lovely. I always wonder how kids can like it! Like ‘How did the younger version of me ever watch this without running away screaming!?’.
        Russian ballet is very beautiful and hard, but I’m sure you’d have been amazing :). Just like I’d have been.

  7. The sickest thing about the whole child entertainment industry is that no adult really wants to work there. I’m even submitting to a contest where it will give me a chance to work at Nickelodeon. They’re like the only television system (I know that’s not the right word) that has a contest like this. They don’t even necessarily care if you are good at writing children’s stuff. This is why on all of these shows there are so many hidden perverted messages. Guys like me with more talent and Jew blood write them.

    Do you remember when everyone said Steve from Blue’s Clues died of a drug overdose? I remember watching the Thanksgiving Day parade when he was there. His eyes were all blood shot and watery. It was raining pretty hard. Still, no excuse.

    • I would totally act or write for nickelodeon shows since theyre actually funny. If you win the contest, I want to be the Jew blood part of the scenario. You can be the talent I guess.
      My dad used to tease me that I had a crush on Steve. I SO didn’t. Wouldn’t surprise Me if he was on drugs though. Anyone who agrees to act on a show where you talk to inanimate objects has to be on every drug.

  8. Addie says:

    I DID say something–but, since I was logged in from my phone, I mistyped my name, so, it’s pending being okay’d.

    Basically–I cried when Mr. Rogers died. Wept. Somehow, I don’t see children who watch these programs missing the players one iota. All those bright colors and continued smiling–I always think they are back in their dressing rooms, smoking crack and drinking Jack Daniels to prepare for the day. It’s not a job you’d brag about, much like being Rachel Ray’s producer.

    I created an immigrant Italian family for Boner, who gave him an ancient family name, Erectius, which was shortened by his new American friends.

    • Oh right, I didn’t know if I should publish it or not! Boner is by far the worst name ever. But I think you’re onto something with Erectius. So traditional.
      I would have cried when mr. Rogers died if he was exciting. But he was so boring. King Friday was more my type.

  9. AgrippingLife says:

    Blades of Glory with Will Ferrel has a great scene when he plays a wizard in a kid’s ice show. He’s all drunk and slobbery and eventually vomits in his costume. That’s how I imagine these kid’s shows are back stage, right?

  10. cory says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more!!! I have 3 kids and im 23 yrs old around the age of those actors you dreadfully blog about. I can’t stand Jon Beavers he seems so unnatural and quite corny after today there will be no more “fresh beat band” for my kids.. I’ll just stick to the Disney classics after seeing that asshole perform

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