Prison Vision

I got fingerprinted today. I had to go to the police station, go downstairs to the jail, and talk to some officer while he dipped my fingers in ink. Getting fingerprinted is part of the long process I have to go through in order to get my permanent residency for Canada. The things I do for that country.

If you go to the police station in my hometown between 1pm and 1:15pm, you’ll see a woman flipping off the entire station. She fills me with so much joy. Schizophrenics either fill me with joy, or terrify me. I’m sure if I went up to her I would burst into tears, so for now I observe from afar. My brother and I saw her flipping off traffic so, being the idiots that we are, we rolled down our window and said “Wazzzzup homieee?!?!” I don’t know what her response was, but I think she was speaking in tongues.

When I went down to the jail I was going to place my coat on the bench, but the officer looked at me and said “Don’t put your coat there…we get some nasty people sitting on that bench.” Here’s a thought officer, why don’t you clean the bench after nasty people sit on it? I should be a police woman. But I have to give him props for having my coat’s best interests in mind.

The most painful part of the process was the fingerprinting itself. Well, the fingerprinting wasn’t painful, but the small talk was. Small talk is just so sad and awkward. I asked the officer if they put a lot of people in jail and he said “more than you think.” How does he know what I think?  What if I thought there were a million people in this suburban jail? MORE than a million? Saying “more than you think” is the most retarded response ever.

I couldn’t help noticing that the cells seemed kind of cozy. You could be all safe in your little cell, no material possessions, no distractions. Just 3 walls, a bench, and a door. Now that’s living the simple life.

The Simple Life 2: Prison's So Hot Right Now.


23 thoughts on “Prison Vision

  1. Addie says:

    Do they hand out soap on a rope when they assign you a room? Cell? Maybe the homeless Pentecostal woman (well, she was speaking in tongues) is just telling the cops they are #1 to her!! Or not.

    • I feel like girls wouldn’t need soap on a rope as much as guys would. Plus, I would just use body wash.
      Hah that lady was so crazy. I’m sure she loves all of the cops that arrest her daily. Silly public nuisance.

  2. Marya says:

    I’ve been fingerprinted on the back of a police car because I wouldn’t give the officer my full name because he accused me of jay-walking. I’ll never do any of that again: get fingerprinted, not give the officer my full name. But, however, I still jay-walk.

    But why, oh why, when I have been fingerprinted to teach in a certain school district do they make you go down to the jail cells and do the lawful deed. It’s disgusting. And Paris and Nicole…you should have been in prison with Martha Stewart. You all three deserve each other. Martha had to be on a work farm and made friends. Paris and Nicole just sat back on their cozy cots for two minutes in jail and…read a Danielle Steele novel…wait…they are illiterate.

    • Jay walking is the one crime that everyone has committed. Human bond. I actually have a special place in my heart for Paris and Nicole. Lindsey and Martha on the other hand–they could live in prison and I would still be sick of them.

  3. Lisa says:

    I liked this blog more than you think, Lily. So funny! Prison’s so hot right now. lol.
    It’s definitely a good place to hide out, relax and let the world take a few spins. LoHo or LiLo, whatever her name is, would be wise to check in for a good long time. Seriously, at least it would give her an excuse for not getting work. What a hot, hot mess.

    • Addie says:

      I’m liking LoHo more than LiLo, which sounds so innocent and pure and we all know when you walk into a party with coke on your shoes, innocent and pure aren’t adjectives that can be honestly used.

    • Are you sure you’re not just saying that because my meatloaf was poisonous and you’re trying to make me feel better?
      Let’s cut Linds some slack, I mean, look at her genes–Dina and Michael Lohan.

  4. Lisa says:

    I’m not sure if that actually falls under the category of meatloaf? Hahaha! The loaf part was sort of missing?
    True about Linds, that was a genetic roulette wheel that was best left alone.

  5. Having been on the inside of a jail cell once (or twice) I can tell you that they are not as cozy as they appear. Or maybe the “drunk tank” isn’t as cozy as an actual cell; just two “beds” made of concrete with a hard plastic-esque thing that I think was supposed to be a mattress, and a toilet smack dab in the middle where everyone can see. It’s not pretty.

    Don’t worry – you’re not blog-friends with some weirdo criminal. I just do silly things and get a little mouthy when I’ve had a few cocktails 🙂

  6. Props to the cops, eh? That would be an awesome slogan for a campaign of some kind.

    Asking would-be citizens to go to the police station to get their fingerprints taken seems a bit strange to be honest. “Hi, welcome to our country, please go and see where we put the murderers first”.

    I have spent the night in a cell before. I don’t really remember much about it but I do remember doing handstands after they closed the door. A female copper looked through the glass and advised me to go to sleep. When I woke up I was cold, tired, hungover and alone with no real idea of where I was or what I had done.

    • Have you seen the movie Cemetery Junction? Ricky Gervais is in it. I liked it because one of the characters slept in the town jail basically every night.
      I like that your first reaction to being locked up was to do handstands. So normal.

  7. Had to get fingerprinted for a job a few years ago, almost walked out because of i.
    Feel like I’ve lost my anonymity…
    Because having a blog is so anonymous….

  8. “How does he know what I think? What if I thought there were a million people in this suburban jail? MORE than a million? Saying “more than you think” is the most retarded response ever.” – the best in the world

    Oh you! I imagine that being said in such an innocent child’s voice.

  9. Marya says:

    Lily – I’m with Lisa. This has been one of your best blogs yet! Nobody ever writes about what really goes on in the world of fingerprinting. And, I loved what Michael Cargill said about our country’s welcome mat and then let’s go see where we put the murders.

    My favorite vision is you and your bro. screaming at the crazy gal and small talking with the police officer. I love it when you initiate the small talk and it just stays…small talk. Such a bother.

    • Aw thanks! I liked what Michael said too–so true! Who’s bright idea was that?
      Haha screaming at that lady gave me so much joy. My bro makes me laugh so much. Almost as much as you!

  10. Becoming Bitter says:

    That awkward moment when you’re being fingerprinted.

    (Psst. you could tweet ^ that).

    Agree with Moose’s and Kinky’s comments.

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