What’s the point of Alaska?

"Please don't make me live in Canada" - Every Husky

I finally arrived home. I know you were all really worried about me. Dry your tears–I’m safe and sound in the Land of the Free and the home of Mickey D’s. On our flight from Seattle to Chicago, Paul and I sat next to a man from Alaska. And when I say man, I mean cowboy. And when I say cowboy, I mean that he smelled like beer and dirt.

While trying to avoid the cowboy’s bloodshot eyes, I started thinking about Alaska. Alaska is basically in Canada. Do we really need 50 states? I think we should give Alaska to Canada as a sign of trust and payment for all of the future oil that we’re going to steal from their oil sands. Yes, Canada has oil in it’s sand. I could be living in a very wealthy country some day, folks!

But in all seriousness, do Americans pay attention to Alaska? No. Would we care if Alaska was missing? No. Would care if every Alaskan was held hostage? Probs not. So why do we need it? Isn’t that just wasting more of our money? Downsizing seems so smart. Isn’t that a trend? America is like the TLC show Hoarders, and Alaska is burying us alive. Actually, it’s just setting off my OCD because it’s not connected to the mainland. I’m willing to make an exception for Hawaii. I’ve never been to Hawaii but I saw “The Descendants” and “Lilo and Stitch” so I think I’m able to make a fair judgement call on this one. Hawaii stays.

This guy on the plane said that he was helping rebuild one of the first (and only, I’m guessing) cement sailboats. If that’s the kind of stuff they’re doing in Alaska, then maybe we should just dump it on Canada and let them support Alaska. Also, Canada would be over-accepting of Eskimos. They would probably only refer to them as Inuits like the politically correct people they are. And don’t act like they wouldn’t enjoy having 700,000 more members of Canadian society. Perfect solution.


19 thoughts on “What’s the point of Alaska?

  1. Pete Howorth says:

    When did the Eskimo’s start complaining about being called Eskimo’s anyway? I must have missed that news report.

    I suppose Alaska could be useful if you wanted to ski?

  2. Lisa says:

    LOL! Beer and dirt! So funny. I don’t imagine that any women live in Alaska and if they did they would look like Roseanne Barr. Is that her name? and they’d be hard core drinking saloon types.
    OMG! I just read the caption under the photo! Hahaha!

    • Haha they probably would look like Roseanne! I randomly had some Alaskan girls in my sorority that one time so there has to be a normal population there. Also, there were some cuties in “The Proposal” right?

  3. Here is what I don’t get–our USofA has a gazillion dollars in debt, yet, Alaska hands out cash to each of it’s 7249 citizens every year. Why not pay down part of our debt to, oh, say, China, before they foreclose and take the Grand Canyon or Detroit as partial payment? On second thought, who would miss Detroit? If that won’t work, I may be moving soon. Just a heads up.

      • We can split the cash, using it to open a cupcake shop (where we hire someone to bake). We can then entice Alan Rickman to be our spokesperson. I’m seeing win/win here.

  4. My older sister used to be obsessed with Alaska. I think she still is. Alaska is to the US as Australia is to England. Only we don’t send our criminals there, they dash to that location.

    I remember a few years ago there was a show where 4 women would date a bunch of guys from Alaska. A guy named Tim married the Asian woman and I also saw that as a sign I would settle down with an Asian girl. Then I remembered Home Improvement and thought that since Tim (Allen) Taylor’s wife was named Jill I’d end up with a cute girl in my school named Jill. I look for signs from the Universe way too much for my future.

    • I was actually going to make the same comment about Alaskans and Australians. The sort of people who would make a great steak sandwich at a BBQ but you wouldn’t ever want them anywhere near your house in case they tried to start a fight with the furniture or something.

  5. If what they said in Insomnia is right, it doesn’t ever get dark during the summer in Alaska. I reckon it’s being primed as an overground bunker for all the important people to go to if the world comes under attack from vampires.

  6. Marya says:

    Lils…you are probably too busy post Christmas-ing to read this post…I have been so busy…my daughter has kept me up-to-date with you and Adair…so here goes my comments on ALASKA…have you ever met anyone from Alaska that has some moolah…I’m talking some serious “dough – ray – me?” They are as obnoxious as all get out. When I was in college I had to deal with some “rich” Alaskans and I’m still trying to recover after 25 years. Blow-up Alaska…join Canada or Russia…look…Alaska…you now have options…

  7. SomeCanadian says:

    Oh, we’d be happy to have Alaska – but please, take your citizens with you. Americans are very stupid, we don’t want you bringing us down. You’re close enough, thank you.

    • It’s good that you’ve made the general assessment that all Americans are stupid. Just for the record, I was kind of making a joke with this post. But if you think that I actually think Canada should take Alaska, well, then maybe you’re the stupid one?

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