TV

Godspeed, Kim Kardashian

What’s wrong with you, you crazy slut?

I see you’ve been off the pill.

What if your child is one gigantic butt?

Did you realize that you’re legally married to Kris Humphries still?kim-kardashian-ass

Kanye must be feeling proud—giving you his seed.

He’ll probably want to dress you though–he seems to feel the need.

Buying new pregnancy clothes could end up being fun.

It’s unfortunate that you’ll gain 50 pounds before you’re done.

To think of Khloe in all this must upset you.

She’s always wanted a baby too.

You probably don’t care because you all compete.

Khloe is stuck babysitting Rob. And we know they like to eat.

How do you come up with such good money-making schemes?

It’s almost as if you plan all of those dramatic reality scenes.

First it was a sex tape, then of course a fake marriage,

I didn’t think you would ever find more ways for disparage.Kim_Kardashian_wedding1

But now you’re stuck with Kanye,

There will always be a link,

He rapped about avoiding gold diggers,

Being stuck with you, well, that’s gotta stink.

I hope you pick a good baby name,

I hope it’s something the public can stand.

Maybe something more traditional and tame

Instead of Penelope Scotland.

Standard
Holidays

2012 In Review (How Precious. Thanks WordPress!)

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 180,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 3 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!

Click here to see the complete report.

Standard
gif posts, Holidays

The Holidays

Whenever people are excited about Starbucks holiday cups:tumblr_m2a8le7R631qzkdyfo1_500

When people say “But it’s a holiday tradition!”:tumblr_mczlxdzgDv1qapf98o1_500

Everyone at the mall on Christmas Eve:tumblr_lznb290ZNv1r24ramo1_500

The day after my mom and brother went back home:tumblr_mbc15y46wX1qkv7zjo1_500

When this crazy drunk lady came up to our table at the pub and started putting her arm around me:tumblr_mcjf84sn1e1qjbq9uo1_500

Me, on Christmas day:tumblr_inline_mfb2id5wp41rnvwt1

Whenever someone asks me to help clean up:tumblr_mfazf2Fxs01qgwqw9o1_500

The day of the Mayan Apocalypse:tumblr_lyf5lqSTtt1qdhmcpo1_500

Me, remembering the chocolate bar I got for Christmas:tumblr_loqxgcGfMg1qljk39o1_500

Realizing I have lots of gift cards to spend:tumblr_mfcuokQJ8s1r3d8abo1_r2_500

After I’m done belting to Les Miserables in my car:tumblr_mexrh4lVFF1rvaz1to1_500

Realizing that I have to stay up to at least midnight on Monday night:tumblr_luiqt6BwNp1qd6k8fo1_500

Standard
Vacation

My Trip to Bermuda

I think it’s obvious by now that I like to go on trips and see places that I’ve never been to before.  In 2009 my mom and I wanted to go on spring break somewhere besides our go-to spot in Orlando. So we chose Bermuda.bermuda-map

It was easier for both of us to just meet there instead of me flying home ( I was in England at the time). It was nice because the location of Bermuda was right in the middle. Just kidding. I looked at a map just now and its not in the middle at all. It’s much closer to the US. And its along the same line as South Carolina. And on the other side of the pond, it would be level with Morocco.

Flying there, I was super paranoid that something bad would happen as we entered the Bermuda Triangle. This old lady on the plane next to me said that she went there 3 times a year and survived every time so I figured everything would be alright. God wouldn’t let that lady survive all those times and let me die on my first visit, right?

I survived and met my mom at our hotel. The rooms were separated into little villa-type things. Ours was called The Sea Grape. I didn’t even know sea grapes were a real thing, but apparently they are. One memorable aspect of Bermuda was that there were tons of cats. We had a regular cat that would stop by our room every night, eat some of my shrimp cocktail, and then sit on my bed. One night we had at least four cats outside our place.

Ignore my hair and my body and everything else in this picture besides the cat.

Ignore my hair and my body and everything else in this picture besides the cat.

The weather was nice and sunny while we were there but it wasn’t as warm as we had been expecting. It was kind of a let down. Leave it to me to complain about a vacation.

We went into the main drag in town and that was fun because we felt like locals. Or at least I did. The capital of Bermuda is Hamilton which is also the name that I gave one of the cats that decided to live with us.

Bermuda is kind of like Canada in that they have their own currency but they’ll accept US bills as well. They’ll just take whatever they can get, really. Which I respect. That’s what I would do.

My very beachy all black apparel.

My very beachy all black apparel.

While we were there we went to the Crystal Caves which were just Carlsbad Cavern-esque caves with stalactites and stalagmites. I’ve seen both many times and I still can’t tell the difference. I remember our tour guide being slightly in love with me though. But really, who isn’t?2708_520409534189_580493_n

Then we went back to our place and decided that Bermuda was kind of lame and didn’t have that much to do so we booked a flight to Orlando. Seriously.

Standard
Holidays, School, Stores

My White Leather Gloves

I enjoyed the finer things in life when I was 19. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy the finer things, but they’re just out of reach now that I’m in Canada. I think it’s usual to want something new and beautiful for Christmas, and I had a very long list when I was 19.

I remember the day that my dad took me downtown into Chicago to go Christmas shopping. I wanted to pick out my gifts before I got them because that’s how I rolled back then. Now, of course, I realize that surprises and the unexpected gifts are the best ones but I digress.

After wandering up and down Michigan Avenue, we eventually ended up in the Coach store. I didn’t need a new purse so I don’t even know why I was in there. We were looking around when a pair of white leather gloves caught my eye. They were so soft and had three buttons going up each side. I asked my dad if I could have them for Christmas and he said yes.

Am I Mary Tyler Moore with that hat, or what?

Am I Mary Tyler Moore with that hat, or what?

As the employee rang us up, she asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I pretty much threw up in my mouth and walked out of the store after that. The only thing that made me feel better were those gloves. Driving gloves, as I liked to call them. But seriously, what 19 year old need driving gloves?

Christmas came and went and I loved my gloves. I used them through the long Chicago winter. I was going to a community college at the time, so I actually was doing a lot of driving back and forth.

One of my least favorite classes that semester was Speech. Our teacher was like, a hundred years old and made us speak super loud whenever we were performing. I hated that class, but my teacher loved me. Probably because I put really old fashioned cheesy jokes into all of my speeches. I knew how to cater to my audience.

After school one day, I got home and realized that I didn’t have my gloves. I knew that I put them under my seat in class and I must have forgotten about them. Since I went to a community college I pretty much assumed that I would never see my gloves ever again. How would I even drive comfortably after this?!

I went to the lost and found just to make sure there were truly no good people left in this world, and I was right. My gloves were gone. I didn’t have the heart to tell my dad that the gift he gave me was gone because I didn’t take care of it.

I always felt bad about that.

 

Standard
Driving, School

Learning to Drive

I’m a driver. Not in the sense that I drive people around for a living, I just enjoy driving a lot. I guess I could’ve initially said “I enjoy driving a lot.” It’s hard for me to think of times when I didn’t have my license and had to be chauffeured around by a parent. That’s no way to live life.

To get to the point I’m at now, I had to go through driving school TWICE. I don’t think my mom trusted that I would be a good driver right away. Probably because of the time that I pulled onto a main road without stopping, while cars were approaching in both directions. tumblr_meaodcw8361qbe1mdo1_500

I didn’t drive with my mom much after that. I think I eventually forced my dad to risk his life and drive with me. I pretty much drove in circles and made him listen to the Chicago soundtrack with me. He had it comin’, he had it comin’, he only had himself to blame….if you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, I betcha you would’ve done the same!

And all that jazz.

See, I get talked into taking classes easily. I remember freshman year of high school, I was 15 years old before most of the people in my year. My friend told me that I should take Driver’s Ed through the school with her since I was old enough to get my learner’s permit. I got my permit, and the next semester, I was in class with her. My teacher was super old and annoying and always talked about how good his break reaction speed was. Like, who cares?

The best part of the class is that we got to leave school. Driving around was fine, but leaving school was an amazing feeling. In that class I earned the name Lead-foot Lily (It was actually my last name, but Lily sounds better. Don’t you hate when teacher’s refer to you as your last name like you’re in the army or something? ) because, you can guess,  I was into going fast and breaking hard.

drivers-ed-cartoon2

Do you think the guy that’s driving is nervous because he’s driving without a license plate?

After I was done with that class, my mom enrolled me in a driving class outside of school. My teacher’s name was Mr. Wickersham and he would drive up to my house and I would get in the car and drive around with him and pick up other kids who wanted to die. Wickersham was old and boring. He didn’t give me a cool nickname, but on my sixteenth birthday he took me through the McDonald’s drive thru and bought me a Sausage McMuffin. So he definitely had some credibility.

I waited a month after my birthday to get my license. I was nervous. Everyone at school liked to tell horror stories of which DMV was the worst and which ones made you parallel park and which ones made you pull out into oncoming traffic. I was a pro at pulling out into oncoming traffic so I picked that one. Everything went smoothly and I almost hugged the guy that was testing me when he said, “Alright, you passed.” I even opened the door for him we we went back inside.

Ever since then, I’ve been a driving machine. Lead-foot or not, I like to drive around, listen to tunes, and sing by myself. It soothes me. It’s a new form of freedom when you’re sixteen. You can just get up and go whenever you want. Unless you don’t have a car. Then nothing really changes.

Standard
TV

Lily Playing Jeopardy

Every weeknight my husband watches Jeopardy and I join him on occasion. I have trouble answering a lot of the questions, or questioning a lot of the answers, as you do on Jeopardy. Sometimes I’ll be familiar with a category and start thinking of possible answers before the questions are even asked. By doing so, I manage to make Jeopardy the least fun activity ever.

Let’s say someone picks the category Bible Books By Story. Here’s what it would be like to watch with me:

Some loser on the show named Sheila or something dumb: I’ll take Bible Books for $200 Alex.

Me: Ugh don’t call him Alex.

Alex: A great fish swallows a reluctant prophet.

Me: Who is John?

Sheila: Who is Jonah?

Alex: Correct!

Me: Oh yeah. I knew it started with a ‘J’.

Sheila: Let’s continue the category for $400.

Me: Yes, let’s.

Alex: Moas and boas are loaded into Noah’s ark.

Me: John?

Sheila: What is Genesis?

Alex: Right!

Me: Oh yeah. I forgot about that one.

Sheila: Bible Books for $600 please.

Alex: 3 friends are thrown into a fiery furnace.

Me: I’m gonna go with John.

Sheila: What is Genesis?

Alex: No sorry.

Me: HAH you already guessed Genesis you loser. Geeze Sheila, figure out the Bible already.

Sheila: Bible Books $800.

Alex: Shamgar, one of the title arbiters, kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad.

Me: Wtf is an ox goad? I’m pretty sure that was John.

Sheila: What is Judges?

Alex: Yes!

Me: Calm down Alex.

Sheila: Finish the category please.

Alex: Thomas doubts the other Apostles have really met the risen Jesus.

Me: John?

Shelia: Idk

Alex: Ooo sorry. The answer is John.

Me: tumblr_mefgifPOxU1rw0x65o1_500

Standard
Beauty

Dress to Impress

I’m at the age where my friends are starting to have babies. My facebook is filled with pictures of babies. Cute babies. And extremely well-dressed babies. I often think back to when we 80′s babies were born. Let’s be real, we looked gross. Back then there wasn’t a style for kid’s clothing. It was just whatever was laying around. In these very modern times kids are now dressing better than adults. But I’ll tell you what–my kid is gonna look like crap, and they’re gonna like it.

All this fuss over kids looking perfect started to grow with the children of Hollywood. We pay more attention to them than the people in our families (at least I do). We are constantly studying what actors and actresses are wearing and what their kids look like. But hey, it’s fun to judge other people! Take it from little Suri Cruise, daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, one of the best fashion critics around. (I hope none of you think I’m actually referring to the real Suri Cruise because I don’t think she can spell her name yet, never mind judge people.)

Victoria Beckham’s son, Romeo, has been selected as the new face for Burberry. Don’t get me wrong, he can work a trench, but I feel like this is setting an unrealistic standard for other kids. How can they live up to a kid who was made with a gene pool built for gods and goddesses?Romeo Beckham in Burberry spring/summer 2013 campaign

It seems that almost every designer brand now has a children’s line or a baby line. It’s frivolous and unnecessary because kids, especially babies, grow out of their clothes so quickly. Why bother? I won’t lie, seeing children dressed nicely for special occasions is sweet, but seeing them dolled up all the time makes me wonder what kind of perfect facade parents want to shelter their children under.

One of the best parts about being a kid is figuring out how to dress yourself and doing an absolutely terrible job at it. I remember getting a crocheted top that was meant to go over a tank top for Christmas one year when I was around 8 years old. I went to try it on upstairs and came down with no shirt underneath. You could clearly see my prepubescent nipples.

There was also nothing better than finding a staple outfit. And by staple outfit, I mean one that you can wear literally every day. I found my perfect outfit at Old Navy when I was 9. It was a denim dress with snap buttons going up the middle. I thought I looked like a classy broad in that dress. It was so comfortable and easy to throw on.

I had the same fashion sense as Dawn Wiener.

I had the same fashion sense as Dawn Wiener.

Also, if kids always look cute, they’ll never be embarrassed by old photos and videos which will cause their egos to inflate and we’ll have ourselves a world of narcissists. You see, there’s only room for one narcissist in this world and that’s me.

Standard
gif posts

Winter Times

Giving people a tour of our place:tumblr_m713kidGuz1qgwqw9o1_500

Anytime I go to the mall:tumblr_m7vvo7yT5g1qh0wgmo1_500

If I tell a joke and no one laughs:tumblr_me90zdqv3Z1rnvwt1

Having to explain what I’m doing in Canada every time I go to a party:tumblr_mc9v7qR0Nf1qg19wzo1_500

Whenever I watch my husband do the dishes while I’m relaxing:tumblr_mc0u5oXI4O1qbqxsmo1_500

If I have to clean the apartment in the morning:tumblr_lr59a5KOEg1r2ww55o1_500

Me, in the winter:tumblr_mddtvlNMQJ1ql5yr7o1_400

When people ask me what my hobbies are:tumblr_mbjfxf6c4j1qb5zvm

Every time we go to a party:tumblr_m9j3vfztXM1qljq26o1_500

If someone is laughing extremely loud around me only to get attention, I’m like:tumblr_mejuc7JZeh1qcsls7o1_500

How I feel about the Sandy Hook incident:tumblr_maprl9kTCK1r1l2ojo1_500

So now, instead of Christmas time being fun and happy:tumblr_m0fdk0Qit01qd1n3fo1_500

Standard
School, Vacation

My Trip to Sydney

When I was in high school I liked to sing. I still like to sing, but now I just do it in my car. I was involved in my school’s choir and we were competitive to say the least. Each year we traveled around the globe touring and competing. The last trip of my high school career was in Sydney Australia. The last venue that I ever sang in was the Sydney Opera House.

Props to me for thinking I could pull off a horizontal striped shirt.

Props to me for thinking I could pull off a horizontal striped shirt.

That year there were three different trips. I remember because I got to go on all three. I was one of the lucky ones. The most popular trip was obviously Sydney. Who wants to go to stupid old Austria and dumb old Italy when you can go down under? There was always a down side to these exciting trips and that was practicing. Every day during and after school we had to attend practice for hours on end. Even in the airport we would get into formation and sing our hearts out. For some reason I had no shame in high school.

Our days were filled with practice even when we arrived in Australia. We would gather and sing for four hours and then we were allowed to go explore. My teacher was a bit of a bully and she would threaten us not to sleep even when we were overcome with jet lag. We couldn’t play games or do anything crazy in case we got hurt and couldn’t sing. It was super Nazi style.

There was always some kind of activity planned during the day that we were forced to do but it was never anything super cool. Like, instead of climbing the Darling Harbour bridge, we went to the Featherdale Wildlife Park. Don’t get me wrong, I love little animals, especially little Australian animals, but I feel like we could’ve spent our time doing other, cooler things.

Me and a drugged wallaby. I think they drugged them so they would say still and not hop around.

Me and a drugged wallaby. I think they drugged them so they would say still and not hop around.

Me with the butt of an emu. I think they can be really mean, but he didn't mine me touching his butt.

Me with the butt of an emu. I think they can be really mean, but he didn’t mind me touching his butt.

I remember we were there on a Sunday night and my choir teacher forced us to go to mass with her and it was the most boring moment of my life. Every other night though, we got to roam around Sydney. Luckily, Australia’s drinking age was 18 and we happened to be 18 so we went into bars and danced in clubs and drank Smirnoff Ices. Super hardcore. Our choir teacher said we had to get a note from our parents saying that we could drink otherwise we couldn’t go out. I emailed my mom and she said no. I promptly changed the email to say yes, printed it out and handed it to my teacher.

We were also given a small amount of free time which my friend and I spent at the mall. Other people in our group took surfing lessons at Bondi Beach and we went to the mall. That’s how an 18 year old brain works I guess. We also went to the Sydney Aquarium which was the best aquarium that I’ve ever been to. I swear all of the animals there are on steroids. They have a sting ray that’s triple the size of me.

I’m pretty sure there was a moment when we went to an opal mine and I was super stoked because opals are my birth stone. I bought myself some tiny opal studs because that’s what you do when you’re traveling. You buy gifts for yourself and not for other people.

I remember one day they took us to a farm and I was convinced they were going to kill us. That year I had seen (and walked out of because I was so scared) the movie Wolf Creek which takes place in Australia. It’s about this group of kids that trust this guy to fix their flat tire and he takes them to his house and tortures them. I couldn’t handle it. In a way I was tortured that day because I had to watch a guy sheer a sheep in under a minute. We also learned how to crack a whip and throw a boomerang. Useful skills. Lastly, we watched Australian sheep dogs climb on the backs of sheep to wrangle them all together. It was one of those moments where I was thinking, “What am I doing here?”

Lily in high school. Complete spaz.

Lily in high school. Complete spaz.

Finally came the day when we got to perform in the Opera House. There wasn’t a lot of pressure because there was a total of 40 people watching us. The Opera House was cool, but it was slightly dated. It has a maroon color scheme which wouldn’t be my first choice in decorating, but who am I? I think we finished off the night by eating in a rotating restaurant at the top of the tallest building in Sydney.

You could say that I conquered that city. Actually no, you couldn’t really say that. But you could say that I conquered it’s mall.

Standard