TV

Godspeed, Kim Kardashian

What’s wrong with you, you crazy slut?

I see you’ve been off the pill.

What if your child is one gigantic butt?

Did you realize that you’re legally married to Kris Humphries still?kim-kardashian-ass

Kanye must be feeling proud—giving you his seed.

He’ll probably want to dress you though–he seems to feel the need.

Buying new pregnancy clothes could end up being fun.

It’s unfortunate that you’ll gain 50 pounds before you’re done.

To think of Khloe in all this must upset you.

She’s always wanted a baby too.

You probably don’t care because you all compete.

Khloe is stuck babysitting Rob. And we know they like to eat.

How do you come up with such good money-making schemes?

It’s almost as if you plan all of those dramatic reality scenes.

First it was a sex tape, then of course a fake marriage,

I didn’t think you would ever find more ways for disparage.Kim_Kardashian_wedding1

But now you’re stuck with Kanye,

There will always be a link,

He rapped about avoiding gold diggers,

Being stuck with you, well, that’s gotta stink.

I hope you pick a good baby name,

I hope it’s something the public can stand.

Maybe something more traditional and tame

Instead of Penelope Scotland.

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Holidays

2012 In Review (How Precious. Thanks WordPress!)

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 180,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 3 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!

Click here to see the complete report.

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gif posts, Holidays

The Holidays

Whenever people are excited about Starbucks holiday cups:tumblr_m2a8le7R631qzkdyfo1_500

When people say “But it’s a holiday tradition!”:tumblr_mczlxdzgDv1qapf98o1_500

Everyone at the mall on Christmas Eve:tumblr_lznb290ZNv1r24ramo1_500

The day after my mom and brother went back home:tumblr_mbc15y46wX1qkv7zjo1_500

When this crazy drunk lady came up to our table at the pub and started putting her arm around me:tumblr_mcjf84sn1e1qjbq9uo1_500

Me, on Christmas day:tumblr_inline_mfb2id5wp41rnvwt1

Whenever someone asks me to help clean up:tumblr_mfazf2Fxs01qgwqw9o1_500

The day of the Mayan Apocalypse:tumblr_lyf5lqSTtt1qdhmcpo1_500

Me, remembering the chocolate bar I got for Christmas:tumblr_loqxgcGfMg1qljk39o1_500

Realizing I have lots of gift cards to spend:tumblr_mfcuokQJ8s1r3d8abo1_r2_500

After I’m done belting to Les Miserables in my car:tumblr_mexrh4lVFF1rvaz1to1_500

Realizing that I have to stay up to at least midnight on Monday night:tumblr_luiqt6BwNp1qd6k8fo1_500

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Vacation

My Trip to Bermuda

I think it’s obvious by now that I like to go on trips and see places that I’ve never been to before.  In 2009 my mom and I wanted to go on spring break somewhere besides our go-to spot in Orlando. So we chose Bermuda.bermuda-map

It was easier for both of us to just meet there instead of me flying home ( I was in England at the time). It was nice because the location of Bermuda was right in the middle. Just kidding. I looked at a map just now and its not in the middle at all. It’s much closer to the US. And its along the same line as South Carolina. And on the other side of the pond, it would be level with Morocco.

Flying there, I was super paranoid that something bad would happen as we entered the Bermuda Triangle. This old lady on the plane next to me said that she went there 3 times a year and survived every time so I figured everything would be alright. God wouldn’t let that lady survive all those times and let me die on my first visit, right?

I survived and met my mom at our hotel. The rooms were separated into little villa-type things. Ours was called The Sea Grape. I didn’t even know sea grapes were a real thing, but apparently they are. One memorable aspect of Bermuda was that there were tons of cats. We had a regular cat that would stop by our room every night, eat some of my shrimp cocktail, and then sit on my bed. One night we had at least four cats outside our place.

Ignore my hair and my body and everything else in this picture besides the cat.

Ignore my hair and my body and everything else in this picture besides the cat.

The weather was nice and sunny while we were there but it wasn’t as warm as we had been expecting. It was kind of a let down. Leave it to me to complain about a vacation.

We went into the main drag in town and that was fun because we felt like locals. Or at least I did. The capital of Bermuda is Hamilton which is also the name that I gave one of the cats that decided to live with us.

Bermuda is kind of like Canada in that they have their own currency but they’ll accept US bills as well. They’ll just take whatever they can get, really. Which I respect. That’s what I would do.

My very beachy all black apparel.

My very beachy all black apparel.

While we were there we went to the Crystal Caves which were just Carlsbad Cavern-esque caves with stalactites and stalagmites. I’ve seen both many times and I still can’t tell the difference. I remember our tour guide being slightly in love with me though. But really, who isn’t?2708_520409534189_580493_n

Then we went back to our place and decided that Bermuda was kind of lame and didn’t have that much to do so we booked a flight to Orlando. Seriously.

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Holidays, School, Stores

My White Leather Gloves

I enjoyed the finer things in life when I was 19. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy the finer things, but they’re just out of reach now that I’m in Canada. I think it’s usual to want something new and beautiful for Christmas, and I had a very long list when I was 19.

I remember the day that my dad took me downtown into Chicago to go Christmas shopping. I wanted to pick out my gifts before I got them because that’s how I rolled back then. Now, of course, I realize that surprises and the unexpected gifts are the best ones but I digress.

After wandering up and down Michigan Avenue, we eventually ended up in the Coach store. I didn’t need a new purse so I don’t even know why I was in there. We were looking around when a pair of white leather gloves caught my eye. They were so soft and had three buttons going up each side. I asked my dad if I could have them for Christmas and he said yes.

Am I Mary Tyler Moore with that hat, or what?

Am I Mary Tyler Moore with that hat, or what?

As the employee rang us up, she asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I pretty much threw up in my mouth and walked out of the store after that. The only thing that made me feel better were those gloves. Driving gloves, as I liked to call them. But seriously, what 19 year old need driving gloves?

Christmas came and went and I loved my gloves. I used them through the long Chicago winter. I was going to a community college at the time, so I actually was doing a lot of driving back and forth.

One of my least favorite classes that semester was Speech. Our teacher was like, a hundred years old and made us speak super loud whenever we were performing. I hated that class, but my teacher loved me. Probably because I put really old fashioned cheesy jokes into all of my speeches. I knew how to cater to my audience.

After school one day, I got home and realized that I didn’t have my gloves. I knew that I put them under my seat in class and I must have forgotten about them. Since I went to a community college I pretty much assumed that I would never see my gloves ever again. How would I even drive comfortably after this?!

I went to the lost and found just to make sure there were truly no good people left in this world, and I was right. My gloves were gone. I didn’t have the heart to tell my dad that the gift he gave me was gone because I didn’t take care of it.

I always felt bad about that.

 

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Driving, School

Learning to Drive

I’m a driver. Not in the sense that I drive people around for a living, I just enjoy driving a lot. I guess I could’ve initially said “I enjoy driving a lot.” It’s hard for me to think of times when I didn’t have my license and had to be chauffeured around by a parent. That’s no way to live life.

To get to the point I’m at now, I had to go through driving school TWICE. I don’t think my mom trusted that I would be a good driver right away. Probably because of the time that I pulled onto a main road without stopping, while cars were approaching in both directions. tumblr_meaodcw8361qbe1mdo1_500

I didn’t drive with my mom much after that. I think I eventually forced my dad to risk his life and drive with me. I pretty much drove in circles and made him listen to the Chicago soundtrack with me. He had it comin’, he had it comin’, he only had himself to blame….if you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, I betcha you would’ve done the same!

And all that jazz.

See, I get talked into taking classes easily. I remember freshman year of high school, I was 15 years old before most of the people in my year. My friend told me that I should take Driver’s Ed through the school with her since I was old enough to get my learner’s permit. I got my permit, and the next semester, I was in class with her. My teacher was super old and annoying and always talked about how good his break reaction speed was. Like, who cares?

The best part of the class is that we got to leave school. Driving around was fine, but leaving school was an amazing feeling. In that class I earned the name Lead-foot Lily (It was actually my last name, but Lily sounds better. Don’t you hate when teacher’s refer to you as your last name like you’re in the army or something? ) because, you can guess,  I was into going fast and breaking hard.

drivers-ed-cartoon2

Do you think the guy that’s driving is nervous because he’s driving without a license plate?

After I was done with that class, my mom enrolled me in a driving class outside of school. My teacher’s name was Mr. Wickersham and he would drive up to my house and I would get in the car and drive around with him and pick up other kids who wanted to die. Wickersham was old and boring. He didn’t give me a cool nickname, but on my sixteenth birthday he took me through the McDonald’s drive thru and bought me a Sausage McMuffin. So he definitely had some credibility.

I waited a month after my birthday to get my license. I was nervous. Everyone at school liked to tell horror stories of which DMV was the worst and which ones made you parallel park and which ones made you pull out into oncoming traffic. I was a pro at pulling out into oncoming traffic so I picked that one. Everything went smoothly and I almost hugged the guy that was testing me when he said, “Alright, you passed.” I even opened the door for him we we went back inside.

Ever since then, I’ve been a driving machine. Lead-foot or not, I like to drive around, listen to tunes, and sing by myself. It soothes me. It’s a new form of freedom when you’re sixteen. You can just get up and go whenever you want. Unless you don’t have a car. Then nothing really changes.

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TV

Lily Playing Jeopardy

Every weeknight my husband watches Jeopardy and I join him on occasion. I have trouble answering a lot of the questions, or questioning a lot of the answers, as you do on Jeopardy. Sometimes I’ll be familiar with a category and start thinking of possible answers before the questions are even asked. By doing so, I manage to make Jeopardy the least fun activity ever.

Let’s say someone picks the category Bible Books By Story. Here’s what it would be like to watch with me:

Some loser on the show named Sheila or something dumb: I’ll take Bible Books for $200 Alex.

Me: Ugh don’t call him Alex.

Alex: A great fish swallows a reluctant prophet.

Me: Who is John?

Sheila: Who is Jonah?

Alex: Correct!

Me: Oh yeah. I knew it started with a ‘J’.

Sheila: Let’s continue the category for $400.

Me: Yes, let’s.

Alex: Moas and boas are loaded into Noah’s ark.

Me: John?

Sheila: What is Genesis?

Alex: Right!

Me: Oh yeah. I forgot about that one.

Sheila: Bible Books for $600 please.

Alex: 3 friends are thrown into a fiery furnace.

Me: I’m gonna go with John.

Sheila: What is Genesis?

Alex: No sorry.

Me: HAH you already guessed Genesis you loser. Geeze Sheila, figure out the Bible already.

Sheila: Bible Books $800.

Alex: Shamgar, one of the title arbiters, kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad.

Me: Wtf is an ox goad? I’m pretty sure that was John.

Sheila: What is Judges?

Alex: Yes!

Me: Calm down Alex.

Sheila: Finish the category please.

Alex: Thomas doubts the other Apostles have really met the risen Jesus.

Me: John?

Shelia: Idk

Alex: Ooo sorry. The answer is John.

Me: tumblr_mefgifPOxU1rw0x65o1_500

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