Judging, Music

Wanted: New Wardrobe For Katy Perry


This has been a very traumatizing morning for me. First, I get news of Reese Witherspoon naming her new baby boy Tennessee James. Out of all the baby names in the world, she picks Tennessee. This isn’t the 20’s. What’s his nick name going to be? Tenny? Ness? TJ? Barf. I just can’t deal with this news so early in the morning. Another tidbit of info, for those of you who keep tabs on Jersey Shore members (I’m assuming I’m the only one), JWOWW is engaged. If you’re not already married or engaged, just remember that a girl who calls herself JWOWW is engaged before you.

Onto the most annoying part of my morning. I mean, besides the person that’s hammering outside my window. I wake up to find Katy Perry dressed like this:

The popcorn coming out the bottom of the dress my final straw. What’s yours?!

I’ve put up with this for way too long. You’re 27 years old. Dressing like that makes you look like you’re playing dress-up on ecstasy. Stop it. I know you think it’s “your thing” or whatever. I get it. But it’s time to move on. Your songs are cute, and you could be cute too. But instead you look like you didn’t get to have a childhood or something. Which you probably didn’t. But don’t punish my eyes because of it.

Also, the clothes you wear are helping you attract the worst guys ever. Case in point: Russell Brand. When you and Russell started dating I was like, “Aww that’s cute. Two freaks found love.” And then when you got married, and quickly divorced, I knew that even Russell was like “Wtf are you wearing?” And that’s saying a lot coming from someone who’s never brushed their hair since birth.

I have no words.

Then you went on to date Hollywood’s sloppy seconds, John Mayer. Yes, John Mayer, the guy who said his penis is racist because it doesn’t like black girls. THAT GUY. And this is all because of your stupid clothes.

You live in LA. There are clothing stores on every street. How hard is it to find a t-shirt and jeans? And can you stay away from the hair dye and wigs for like two seconds? I know you’re dying to be unique and quirky and grab everyone’s attention, but it’s been done now, okay? Same goes to Taylor Swift’s curly hair. It’s like, okay, we get it. You have curly hair.

Katy, I hope this message finds you well. XOXO

(PS. I saw your movie alone because no one would go with me. So, I actually do care. You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind.)

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19 thoughts on “Wanted: New Wardrobe For Katy Perry

  1. LOL!!! I always like your celebrity slams, or are they rants? Whatever. You’re so right about this! Puh-leaze!! It’s so four score and seven years ago. Seriously, why doesn’t she just go to DASH? I’m sure Chris Jenner would love to dress her and then she could manage her, too! It’s so obvi.

    • Yeah, and then Kris Jenner would say on every episode, “My good friend Katy Perry…” So four score and seven years ago. The Kardash sisters have the style of goddesses compared to Katy. Ugh and can’t she just spell her name like, Katie? Like, how hard is it to be normal?

  2. This was fun to read. I like her but I agree, enough with the quirky (hideous) clothes and the hair…are they wigs? Or does she actually color her hair that often because whoa, wtf. She’ll be bald before she hits 30. The outfit in that pic has got to be the worst one I’ve seen. And the pic of Russell disturbs me. His face, his hair…he disturbs me.

    • Haha thanks! Yeah, I actually like her as a person, and I think her music is super catchy and cute. But yeah, that outfit. Wow. I think she might just wear wigs because there’s no way the dye would be that vibrant, right? Plus her hair is like, different lengths all the time. Yeah Russell is so creepy. Ugh.

  3. Katie Perry (I also refuse to spell her name “Katy”) is so starved for attention, she makes my six month old baby look like a shrinking violet. I can’t stand her. The popcorn coming out of her dress makes her look like she’s got some rare form of VD.

    • Yes! Maybe we should just start a trend and either spell her name Katie, or actually pronounce her name Kat-y. I don’t know which is better. Yeah the popcorn placement is all wrong. Couldn’t she have just worn a shirt that said “I like movies” without going through all of this?

      • That would be so good. I mean, Avril couldn’t even technically be angry with that rumor because her name in french is April, so I mean…lets do it!

    • Yeah, even Lady Gaga outdid Katy, which kind of impressed me. Gaga makes Katy’s outfits look half-assed. I mean, she wore a dress made out of meat! But yeah, Emily’s point is true. Keep food or food-like objects away from the vajayjay region. Not cute.

  4. Katy Perry is too weird even for me to date. Not that I would turn her down or anything. Popcorn blouse? No thank you. Russell Brand might be hilarious, I just can’t understand a single word he has ever said.

    • Right. You would totally be into her weird hair. I know you would. Haha that’s funny that you say that about Russell Brand. Paul and I watched some of his stand up and he was talking about some guy and we didn’t know what he was saying until the end. He was talking about Woody Harrelson, but he kept saying “Ody Arrelsn”.

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