Favorites, Food, Movies, Music

All That Glitters

For some reason the color gold as been present in my life a lot recently. So I figured I should make a tribute to some of my favorite golden things. Because honestly, what else do I really have to do?

Let’s start with gold makeup. I wear gold eyeshadow almost every time I wear makeup. The gold tends to really make my blue eyes pop. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. There’s a little beauty secret from me to you. I’m also a big fan of gold nail polish. For my 23rd birthday my mom sent me a couple of goodies in the mail and one of them was Chanel’s Gold Lamé nail polish. I know it’s pronounced la-may, but do you think that stops me from referring to it as Gold Lame?

Look how lame it is!

I’d have to say that one of my favorite childhood movie moments revolves around something gold as well. Remember how Veruca Salt wanted a goose that laid golden eggs in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? That whole scene was so perfect. Veruca’s prepubescent body, her dad, those huge spray painted eggs, etc. I love when she makes a mess of that room. I was always horrified as a child by that. Thinking, man if I did that my mom would kill me. I remember a while ago when I was asking my dad for something and I said, “But I want it!” and my brother was like, “Alright Veruca.” I did some life re-evaluating after that comment. Side note: you know what’s terrifying? Looking up the cast of Willy Wonka and seeing what they look like now. So depressing.

Hmm let’s see…what else? Oh, there was the gold bracelet that my grandpa got me with my name engraved on it. Except my name was spelled wrong. Minor detail.

One of my husband’s favorite places to eat is Golden Corral. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting a Golden Corral, but it’s definitely sight for sore eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if people actually strapped on feed bags and just ate for hours. If you like cheap buffets, you should definitely visit a GC. There was one that was opening by my grandma’s house and when it was still under construction the only letters you could see were “Golden Corr” or something of the like. My grandma was like, “Did you see that they’re building a Golden Carrot by me?”

Remember in the Olympics when the USA got the most gold medals and all the other countries were just dumb? Even though most of the people that got us our gold medals were so gross (Michael Phelps).

I’m having a lot of trouble choosing which song to display because I have three in mind: Band of Gold by Freda Payne, Golden Years by David Bowie, or Sister Golden Hair by America. I’m not the biggest fan of America. They’re too groovy. But I do like that song a lot. And I used to have golden hair. Band of Gold is good but it’s kind of depressing and I looked up a video of Freda Payne “singing” it on Soul Train and she looks like she doesn’t know the words. Okay, I don’t even know why I had to talk myself through this one. David Bowie is obviously the best. Does anyone remember in A Knight’s Tale where they dance to Golden Years? Nope? Just me? Okay. RIP Heath.

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Judging, Music

Wanted: New Wardrobe For Katy Perry

This has been a very traumatizing morning for me. First, I get news of Reese Witherspoon naming her new baby boy Tennessee James. Out of all the baby names in the world, she picks Tennessee. This isn’t the 20′s. What’s his nick name going to be? Tenny? Ness? TJ? Barf. I just can’t deal with this news so early in the morning. Another tidbit of info, for those of you who keep tabs on Jersey Shore members (I’m assuming I’m the only one), JWOWW is engaged. If you’re not already married or engaged, just remember that a girl who calls herself JWOWW is engaged before you.

Onto the most annoying part of my morning. I mean, besides the person that’s hammering outside my window. I wake up to find Katy Perry dressed like this:

The popcorn coming out the bottom of the dress my final straw. What’s yours?!

I’ve put up with this for way too long. You’re 27 years old. Dressing like that makes you look like you’re playing dress-up on ecstasy. Stop it. I know you think it’s “your thing” or whatever. I get it. But it’s time to move on. Your songs are cute, and you could be cute too. But instead you look like you didn’t get to have a childhood or something. Which you probably didn’t. But don’t punish my eyes because of it.

Also, the clothes you wear are helping you attract the worst guys ever. Case in point: Russell Brand. When you and Russell started dating I was like, “Aww that’s cute. Two freaks found love.” And then when you got married, and quickly divorced, I knew that even Russell was like “Wtf are you wearing?” And that’s saying a lot coming from someone who’s never brushed their hair since birth.

I have no words.

Then you went on to date Hollywood’s sloppy seconds, John Mayer. Yes, John Mayer, the guy who said his penis is racist because it doesn’t like black girls. THAT GUY. And this is all because of your stupid clothes.

You live in LA. There are clothing stores on every street. How hard is it to find a t-shirt and jeans? And can you stay away from the hair dye and wigs for like two seconds? I know you’re dying to be unique and quirky and grab everyone’s attention, but it’s been done now, okay? Same goes to Taylor Swift’s curly hair. It’s like, okay, we get it. You have curly hair.

Katy, I hope this message finds you well. XOXO

(PS. I saw your movie alone because no one would go with me. So, I actually do care. You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind.)

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Feelings, P0wning N3wbs

Tales of a Menace

When I was a youth (I love when people refer to themselves as “youth”) I caused a lot of trouble. Not like making messes or bullying other kids. Instead I would think of a scenario and say to myself, “What if I actually did that?” and then I would do it. And almost every time I upset someone.

I remember going into my next door neighbor’s yard to play after school one day. My brother came with me. I recall telling him to tell our neighbor, a girl his age, that giants were going to come and take her parents away. We both took her into her garage and concocted a story that would scare any 6 year old girl. She cried. We immediately said how sorry we were and how we were only joking. I didn’t realize that it would be so scary for her. Even though if someone did that to me, I would’ve freaked out.

In fourth grade, I knew my family was planning on moving. I didn’t really know how to tell my best friend, Kelly, that I was leaving. So I simply said, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” Looking back, I probably could’ve worded it better. Instead, she cried and I just avoided her until I moved. I really wanted to find her on Facebook and apologize for my 10 year old behavior. I haven’t been able to find her. What if she died of depression because her best friend in elementary school stopped talking to her?

Being young and stupid, I learned that cheating was the quickest and easiest way to get anything done. I remember asking a kid in my class what his answers were and he said “You’ll never learn anything if you cheat.” Actually, I learned a lot of things, like how to avoid doing homework. Well, one day, on our state capitals test, I forgot the capital of Vermont. I knew I couldn’t let that kid prove that I didn’t learn anything. So I thought fast. No, I didn’t think of the capital. But I did ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom and then proceeded to ask a couple of girls in the bathroom what the capital of Vermont was. “Isn’t it Montpelier?” they said. “Ohhh yeah. Yes, it is!” I said, beaming. I went back to class, scribbled down Montpelier, and finished my test. All that work to prove that kid wrong, and he didn’t even notice my good grade.

From ages 12-17 I went to Girl’s Camp through my church during the summer. It was only a week long, but my friends and I would always end up getting into some sort of trouble. When I was 16, my friend and I decided it would be a good idea to play pranks on some of the camp leaders. We would sneak into their lodges (Why did they get lodges but we had to sleep outside?) and steal their stuff and hold it for ransom. We especially gave this one woman, Amanda, a hard time. Mostly because she was young and cute and had a way about her that seemed to say, “I know I’m young and cute.” She was a good sport about all the tricks we played on her. However, we knew there would be payback in store, so we bought a lock to keep our tent safe while we were away doing campy things. One day we came back and our lock had been cut right in half.  We opened our tent to find it filled with popcorn. I have to admit that it was clever. It probably took a lot of time and money to concoct such a plan. The thing is, the tent was my friend’s dad’s tent. His one rule was: ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD IN THE TENT. My friend and I panicked. But then we realized we could put all of the blame on someone else.

When we got home, my friend’s dad called Amanda and scolded her for ruining his tent. I mean, it was pretty buttery after that prank. The tent would no doubt attract every bear in the vicinity. Amanda got put in her place. Apparently she cried. That’s what she gets for stooping down to our level.

I think I’ve mostly grown out of my mean streak. It was bad when I was younger, and started to disappear as the years went on. Every now and then I’ll reminisce of the days when I liked causing trouble. I was much cooler back then.

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Food, gif posts

My Relationship With Food

When anyone tries to talk to me while I’m waiting for my food:

When my food arrives:

Realizing I have a lot in common with Fergie:

When people tell me that I’m lucky I’m tall because I can eat more without it showing:

First thing I do after we buy groceries:

Me, when Paul gets upset that I ate all of the chips:

When I make pizza at home:

Me, debating on how to cook anything:

Whenever Paul says “Let’s just make something to eat at home.”:

When I eat ice cream and accidentally get some on our furniture:

When the waiter or waitress asks if we’re all done:

My response to people who “forget” to eat meals because they’re SO busy:

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TV, Vacation

Kate’s Mistake

I think we’ve all heard about Kate Middleton’s topless photos by now, haven’t we? The reason it’s a big story is because, well, that’s not how a princess should act. At least in my opinion.

Here’s the scoop, Kate and Wills were on vacation in France and a photographer snapped some pictures of the couple while Kate was topless (to be fair, William was topless too!). The photographer gave the pictures to the French tabloid, Closer, and they were published for all the world to see. William was livid and took action, suing Closer for their nice spread of Kate’s boobies.

Kate, your boobs are EVERYWHERE.

Many people would say, “Isn’t Kate allowed to be topless on her private vacation? She’s only human!” Yes, she is allowed! But if she wants to be seen in a certain, professional and royal light, then she has to watch herself when she forgets to wear a top. Not to sound harsh, but it’s no one’s fault but Kate’s. Look, I’m all for Kate having fun and living it up. But she should know by now that photographers are everywhere, professional, or not. She will always be one of the most photographed people ever, and if she thinks that she can take off her top and no one will be the wiser, she is sorely mistaken.

I don’t think it’s fair that William and Kate took action against the magazine. After all, they were only doing their job. If you don’t want to be featured in scandalous pictures, don’t invite scandal. If you don’t care, then be free! Go topless! And bottomless for that matter.

You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back. So I decided to find the pictures, because I wanted to be fully informed on the issue. What a disappointment. If only Kate would put on a little weight, then she might have some crowd-pleasing breasticles, but alas, her slight frame proved to be a letdown. Perhaps that was the reason that William was so upset? He didn’t want everyone to see Kate’s invisible boobs?

Kate may be royalty, but now I have a one-up on her. Or maybe a two-up?

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Exercise

TRX More Like TR Death

It’s hard to explain why I put myself into these situations. My friends asked me to workout, I agreed and before I knew it I was in a ball on the floor crying into a floor mat. Okay, that’s not true. There weren’t any mats around.

TRX is a fairly new type of workout. I’m sure pros would tell you that it’s been around for hundreds of years, like yoga or something. I can totally imagine Gandhi doing TRX.

Basically, what you do is use these long resistance straps that are attached to the ceiling, to help you workout your entire body. It’s an extremely good workout, but it has an extremely painful aftermath. And duringmath as well.

Look at that guy on the far left. Who does he think he is? Only Gandhi is allowed to do that move.

Every TRX teacher that I’ve come across (2 teachers total), have 0% fat on their bodies. It’s frightening. But at least you know that TRX gets results, right? I would try to keep up with the instructors (and the rest of the class), but it was close to impossible for me. I preferred any and all poses that had to do with laying down on the floor. Those are usually towards the end, unfortunately. And once you get up from the floor, your legs want to fall off. Truthfully, I just want to put my feet in the handles and use the bands as a rope swing. How fun would that class be?

It’s weird though, because after my first class I was super sore for the first two days and then on the third day I took another class. Trust me, it wasn’t my idea. But now this morning, I’m not half as sore as I was the first day I did it. So what’s the dealio? Am I getting used to constantly being in pain? Was it like some hair of the dog thing where the only cure to my pain was more pain? Are the teachers wizards?

I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’ll never be able to do this pose. Ever ever ever. When my teacher did that, I just looked at her and said, “Yeah, no I’m not doing that.”

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Animals

Don’t Pick It Up

I don’t know what it is about society today, but people are under the impression that not picking up dog poop is a bad thing. (I’m really going to be a hard-hitting reporter today.)

Aren’t we making more work for ourselves? And who actually wants to pick up poop? We already have to scoop out litter boxes! Isn’t that enough responsibility? And maybe our dogs are feeling shameful because of this whole thing. Nowadays people roll their eyes when their dogs squat down. Geeze! Just let them do their business! If someone came in the bathroom and rolled their eyes when you were pooping, I’m assuming that you wouldn’t like that.

Dog poop is biodegradable and good for the earth. How else will the earth get it’s nutrients if we don’t let them sink in? This is the reason that all of those natural disasters keep happening. It’s true. Look it up. I’ve actually seen people pick up poop in biodegradable bags, and just leave the bags on the ground! Good logic.

I believe that the main reason we’re told to pick up after our dogs is because people don’t want to step in poop. That’s understandable. I just find it weird that people have decided they don’t like looking at the ground. Like, honestly, how hard is it to look where you’re walking? The fact that police men can give you tickets for not picking up your dog’s poop is absurd to me. This is a free world! Let dogs poop where they please!

One of my friends once told me about a woman she knew that was taking her dog outside in her front lawn. When the dog went to the bathroom, a jogger ran by and said, “I hope you’re going to pick that up.” Personally, I would’ve been like, “Sure, yeah, I’ll pick it up.” And then I probably would’ve smeared it on the jogger’s back. I don’t know, maybe I have a lot of angst today. I just feel like this is a pressing issue in today’s world and Romney and Obama better be talking about it during their debates.

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Feelings

The Benefits of Being Online

The world has changed incredibly in the span of twenty years. When I was little, my family didn’t have a computer. I don’t remember having one until I was at least 9. Even then I don’t think I ever went “online”. The only activity that I did on the computer was typing my name over and over again in different fonts. I still do that on occasion.

Now it seems that I can’t go a day without being online. I have to check my “stuff” which consists of email, twitter, blogs, facebook, tumblr, pinterest…the list goes on. Of course there are times when I’m away and can’t check my stuff. Those are the times when I’m sitting in a corner and rocking myself back and forth.

One might look at this scenario and think my online life is unhealthy. Fortunately, I’m one of the light cases. I know for a fact that teenagers stay online for hours and hours on end. Even if they aren’t physically at a computer, they can still go online with their phones. I know I’m painting an extreme picture, but the internet, despite being a big time-waster, is actually an amazing thing.

We are able to connect with people around the world without leaving our homes (or beds…in my case). We are able to meet friends, share stories, and fall in love online. Some would even say it’s easier to meet people online because no one is judging you by your appearance, just by what you say.

Personally, I am more relaxed when I’m talking to people online than in real-life. Online, you can choose to respond to a conversation whenever and however you want to. You can take the time to think about what you want to say before your say it. You can eloquently word your input instead of trying to come up with the right words in your head. Everything is smoother and thought out. We can really be our best selves online for that reason.

Will we turn into drones that don’t know how to talk in the future? Possibly. Will we go blind from the light of our computers constantly being shone into our eyes? Most likely. But we’ll have many more acquaintances than we ever could have met in our own day to day lives. We can relate to others and realize that others can relate to us. We can comfort and be comforted. We can laugh and share thought-provoking stories. And that might be worth something in the long run.

 

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living in canada, Stores

Extreme Makeover: Canada

So I think Canada finally looked in the mirror and said, “Wow we’re like, a super gross country. Let’s fix ourselves!” I knew it would be baby steps after I heard the news about the Canadian introduction of Target, but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that Canada would take their country’s makeover to the next level. Friends and family, may I have the pleasure of being the first to announce that Nordstrom is coming to Canada!

I heard the news when I was volunteering, and I thought I was going to faint. My supervisor asked me if I’d ever been to Nordstrom. That’s like asking me if I’ve ever breathed air. I told him it was only my favorite store in the world, duh. And our conversation pretty much ended after that.

It’s like God keeps answering all of my really important shopping prayers. I’m so blessed. There’s just one problem. I don’t have any money. And in order to even look at a Nordstrom parking lot you have to have some dough. I might be exaggerating a bit.

The sad thing is, I’ve almost gotten used to not spending money here. I never buy clothes for myself anymore. I never have the urge to. See what happens when you move to Canada? It changes you.

Maybe the new introduction of Nordies will light a fire within me to shop more. Even though the closest one to me will be in Vancouver. So basically I’ll have to take a ferry or plane to get there. How rude. Clearly they didn’t have my best interests in mind. Actually, I don’t think they had anyone’s interests in mind since there will only be 4 locations in all of Canada (Toronto, Ottawa, Calgary, and Vancouver).

Canadian Nordstrom Pros: More shopping for me, more street cred for Canada, I will feel a sense of normalcy in Canada, and thousands of new jobs for Canadians.

Canadian Nordstrom Cons: Canadians working in Nordstrom and ruining everything, no actual Nordstrom close to where I live, I have no money so nothing even matters.

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Books

Vengeance Is Mine, Inc.

This is the title of one of Roald Dahl’s short stories. It’s about two men who read the gossip column in the paper every morning. One writer in particular often slanders the names of high society members. The two men reading the column feel bad for those trapped in the fire of words written against them. Long story short, they devise a plan to help the people that the columnist wrote badly about. They decide to beat up, scare, or embarrass the columnist for a reasonable fee. Why not make it a business? This same situation happens to people every day! And so they did.

One reason why I love Roald Dahl is because he makes me think about a story long after I’ve finished it. Another reason is that, in most of his stories, everyone gets what’s coming to them. There’s nothing better than karma, whether it’s instant, or in the case of Vengeance Is Mine, Inc., man-made.

If you could seek vengeance on someone that did you wrong and no one would ever know it was you, would you? It’s hard to say for me personally. The idea is so tempting. There are plenty of times I’ve wanted to punch someone in the face. Well, maybe not plenty, but a handful of times for sure.

Here is the list of punishments you would be able to choose from by Vengeance Is Mine, Inc.:

1. Punch in the nose, once, hard–$500

2. Black eye — $600

3. Punch in the nose and a black eye — $1000

4. Introduce a rattlesnake (with venom extracted) into his car, on the floor by the pedals, when he parks it –$1500

5. Kidnap him, take all his clothes away except his underpants, his shoes and socks, then dump him out on Fifth Ave. in rush hour — $2500

Which would you choose (if money wasn’t a factor, obviously)? I feel like it would depend on how much the person bothered me. The rattlesnake one is pretty genius, I must admit. And depending on the enemy, I wouldn’t always opt for the venom to be extracted…if ya know what I mean.

Do you think an act like this is worth the money? I hate to say that I do. I actually think the business idea is great! I might steal it for myself. My occupation at the moment is sleeping so I bet I could get more money this way. And punch more people in the face.

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