Feelings, P0wning N3wbs

My Patents


What watching endless hours of Shark Tank and Dragon’s Den has taught me is that if you’re going to invent something, you need to have a patent. I’ve been really patient, watching the world get smarter, seeing technology advance and what not. But it’s 2012 and there are still tons of inventions that would make human life easier. I’m all for looking out for my fellow humans. Okay, let’s be honest. That’s not true. I’m just looking out for my own benefit here, as per usual.

Jet packs. How do we not have jet packs yet? We’re living in the 21st century and our main option for long distance travel is an airplane full of smelly people. Are we animals? We basically haven’t evolved at all. If aliens land on Earth and realize that we can’t even fly on our own yet, they won’t even conquer us. How embarrassing.

Oh great. Pauly D got a hold of a jet pack.

Hover cars. This is basically the same thing as jet packs, but better. Once we stop playing with rocks on Mars, maybe we can get our sh*t together and start building cool stuff. Jet packs are the first step. Hover cars will be amazing because then we can actually bring stuff with us. Think about it– you can’t pack anything when you travel by jet pack. But hover cars will make it like a road trip, but in the sky! Of course, then someone will have to figure out the rules of the air (kind of like the rules of the road, but with less rules). We can worry about that later.

Water proof iPods. Look, I want to be able to swim laps without talking to myself or singing songs in my head. It’s really annoying and I would appreciate it if someone would figure this one out pronto. It would also be awesome to use when you float around in the ocean. This invention doesn’t even seem that challenging to make. I’m sure the genius bar at the Apple Store can figure it out. They are geniuses, right? You can’t just falsely label someone a genius, right? I’m looking at you, dead Steve Jobs.

Food that doesn’t make us fat. At this day and age why do we even need food to survive? Shouldn’t we be able to take a pill that fills us up and that’s the end of it? Like that gum that Willy Wonka made that tasted like a full dinner. But without the weird side effects. Imagine how much money we would save not having to worry about agriculture, harvesting, farming, etc. Like, how is it that I’m solving all of the world’s problems on my blog post and I’m not even considered as a presidential candidate? I would even settle for Prime Minister of Canada. Jk no I wouldn’t.

Weird side effects= turning blue and fat. The opposite of cute.

Animal Translators. Why the F can’t we talk to animals yet? They’re so wise and cool. We could learn a lot from them. The closest we’ve come is teaching Koko the gorilla sign-language. That’s awesome and everything, like whoever did that deserves a pat on the back, but lets ACTUALLY figure out how to listen to what animals are saying. For realzies. And lets make them understand us. I’m talking full-on Doctor Dolittle, Wild Thornberry’s, stuff.

So those are my inventions. Don’t even think about stealing them. This post serves as a patent for all of the above inventions. If I find out that any of you steal my ideas and make millions, I probably won’t do anything, but I’ll be pretty pissed.

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46 thoughts on “My Patents

  1. I’m waiting for the man who can make dumb blondes smarter he would make a fortune, but we may never see it happen, it could be an impossible thing to do.

    • Whoa whoa whoa. So much hate for blondes! I used to be blonde ya know. And I’m pretty frickin smart. But now my hair is darker…so I guess I’m smarter now?

  2. This was great! Maybe one of my favorite posts done by you. All of these inventions need to be created. The food one would be my favorite, obviously. You seem angry these things don’t exist. A psychic told my sister I would grow up to be an inventor. I have found my calling.

    • Fo realz? Thanks ol buddy ol pal. They totes need to be created. You would be the one person that I would let steal my patents because then I’m almost sure you would give me some of the profit. Maybe not though.
      Man I love psychics. It’s like, HOW DO THEY ALWAYS KNOW?

  3. I was certain we’d have hovercrafts by now. After Back to the Future, I was obsessed with wanting to make my own hoverboard. They even had some kit you could buy off the back of Boy’s Life Magazine. My bro and I agreed on very few things, and this was it. We needed one of these things.

    It turns out that you have to take apart your mom’s vacuum and use that to blow on the ground and hover. She wouldn’t let us and we found out it didn’t really work.

    • Hahah I love that story. Isn’t that how all kid’s toys go? They’re always a let down. I remember seeing commercials for the coolest toys and then I would get them and I was like, “What is this crap?”

      Man, having a hover craft would be amazing.

  4. Brother Jon says:

    You know, if they can show hover car technology in a movie based during the Second World War they ought to be able to do it in real life.

    • True. Like, the Jetson’s is supposed to take place in 2062 and they have hover crafts. Shouldn’t they at least be working on them and perfecting them by now? I don’t get it. What’s wrong with our world?

    • Whoa whoa whoa is that allowed? 10% ? I’m the brains behind this operation! But yeah, I’d settle with 10 if you make everything happen.

    • I’ve actually never seen the movie or read the book! I guess I should add it to my list! Thanks so much for coming to my blog! I like your name! And now I’m hungry.

  5. Haha! You are so right on all these inventions we should have by now. Why even bother going into the future if it’s just going to be one big disappointment after another? I remember seeing pictures of 1990 and all the cars were flying. Every building had smooth corners ( I guess what I’m saying is they were round) and everybody was thin and wore silver one piece coveralls What happened to that future?

    • Haha thanks! Glad you liked them! YES animal translators are like my number #1 invention because then I wouldn’t have to be friends with people, I could just be friends with my pets and they would have to love me because they live with me. Sorry, I’m getting way too excited!

    • Yeah what the hell? Time travel would be amazing, but maybe scientists and historians don’t trust us and know we would mess everything up back in time?

      • We could do so much with time travel though, we could kill Hitler when he was a baby avoiding the whole of the second world war, Genghis Khan could be replaced with Genghis ‘Ard, I could make sure I win loads of money by winning the lottery three times in a row.

        Your blog would be named Lily In Lillaria because I’d have bought Canada and given it to you.

        The possibilities!

      • So you’ve really put a lot of thought into this. Lily in Lillaria does sound amazing. Okay fine, you’ve convinced me. Let’s build a time machine.

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