A couple days ago I asked Paul if he was going to see Disney Pixar’s Brave with me. He replied, “Ughh no. That’s for kids.” Yes. Kids and 24 year old girls named Lily. Childhood goes by so quickly and all the fun stuff you do when you’re young is frowned upon when you’re older. Why is that? Why can’t childhood last forever? Why do we have to grow up and clean things and pay taxes and pretend to care about politics and the earth and other people? Childhood was such a selfish time. Maybe that’s why I miss it.
I remember my first taste of people making me feel bad for unleashing my inner child was during my first year of college in Utah. It was October and my friends and I wanted to go trick or treating. So we did. We got a lot of weird looks from parents and children that we passed on the street. I distinctly remembering a woman asking us, “Aren’t you a little old to be trick or treating?” We said uhhh no? She then said, “Are you going to go sit on Santa’s lap too?” You know what lady? WHAT IF I AM? Just because you’re an old skank, doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the holidays!
I take the kids I babysit to McDonald’s more than the average person should eat there. It’s turning into Supersize Me. Which I’m totes okay with. Every so often I have to help one of them get into the Play Place. It’s usually the youngest who can’t reach the top step or something like that. I’ll look around the room, trying to suppress my desire to climb to the top and go down the slide over and over. I would no doubt be king of the castle and everyone else would be my dirty rascals. I’ve given into temptation a couple of times. Some of the parents smile and some look the other way. Yeah, they better look the other way or else they’re gonna get a milkshake straight to the face.
I also experience the same hate/jealousy around vacation time. My family has been going to Disney World since I was a wee lass. I remember in high school and college people would ask me where I was going for Spring Break. I wouldn’t say Miami or Cabo or LA. I would tell them I was going to Disney World. I could tell they thought I was lame, but you know what? There are probably more adults visiting Disney World than kids. And maybe I enjoy getting an autograph from my favorite Disney characters every so often. And seeing fireworks every night. And walking down Main Street USA. Whatevs.
Paul and I had Netflix for a bit. It was okay but the selection of movies wasn’t superb. One day while Paul was at work, I was checking out Netflix and I saw that they had episodes of Rugrats available! Without batting an eye I ordered one episode and re-lived a bit of my childhood. When Paul came home from work he said, “I know what you’ve been doing.” I looked at him like he was a psycho. Then he said “How was Rugrats?” How did he know?!?! I guess Netflix had sent him an email that said, “Hope you enjoyed your viewing of Rugrats!” We canceled our Netflix subscription after that.
People are always going to judge you when you do things to make yourself happy. Don’t listen to them! Like philosopher/songstress Natasha Bedingfield said, Release your inhibitions! If you want to reminisce and feel like a kid again, you should. I got fro-yo two nights ago and covered it in rainbow sprinkles like I was 5 years old because I don’t care what anyone thinks. Be happy, have fun, be yourself.
Most of you have probably heard by now that Shia LaBeouf was in Sigur Ros’ new “music video”. For those of you that don’t know, Sigur Ros is a creepy Icelandic band that has just made themselves 100 times creepier in my eyes. I can’t for the life of me name any of their songs. I don’t know what/who convinced Shia (aka my adolescent lover) to make such a weird career move, but alas, I am not responsible for him or his actions.
Shia’s climb up the popularity ladder started with the Disney channel sitcom Even Stevens. Everyone in my generation will admit that Even Stevens had moments of brilliance not to mention moments of hilarity. As young people, we get attached to shows that are by our side as we grow up. Even Stevens was one of these shows. Unfortunately, Shia grew up, and so did we.
As he moved away from TV, Shia started gravitating towards some pretty big film roles including but not limited to, I, Robot (never saw it), Constantine (eww I’m allergic to Keanu Reeves movies), Bobby ( did anyone see this?), Disturbia (sexy Shia make out scene), Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Old Harrison Ford, and like, eight Transformer movies. Yawn snore barf.
Now, the adult Shia feels the need to do interpretive dance moves naked. I just don’t understand. I mean, yeah, movie-wise things could’ve been better for Shi Shi. But they also didn’t have to take a nosedive into Icelandic waters. I’m hurt and confused as to why he would chose this path. I never thought I would see Shia’s peen. But now I have and there’s no going back. It’s seared into my brain for time and all eternity. Well, hopefully not all eternity. But for a while. Or at least until I have to look it up to refresh the image.
I can’t really even explain the clip. It’s not a music video because there’s barely any music. Granted, I didn’t watch the last 5 minutes so who knows. I stopped watching after Shia and the Icelandic chick were kidnapped and blindfolded and given lollipops. It was just too weird for me. Plus Shia had long greasy rapist hair and I just couldn’t deal. I miss my old Shia. I’m sorry that our paths didn’t cross. I could’ve saved your soul (Cue Jewel). Lily LaBeouf has a certain ring to it, dontcha think?
I’m going to do another gif post because everyone seemed to like it and I’m lazy as hell these days. Here’s a little peek into what high school was like for me and almost everyone else in the entire world.
Everyone knows that I don’t like sports. I’m not sporty, and I’m not interested in how good your team is. And I really don’t care which teams made it to the playoffs this year. Cheering for an entire team bores me. I have no connection to them. I do however, enjoy rooting for single players.
Over the years, I’ve learned to take an interest in Roger Federer. Sometimes I would catch my dad watching tennis and I would sit down and watch a set with him. And then leave and mumble something about being bored. Paul also really likes the world of tennis. Well, Paul just really likes sports. Even sports that no one should be interested in like snooker, squash, and cricket. Barf barf barf. Have you ever tried watching snooker and had to pretend to be interested? If you haven’t, then you’ve never really experienced pain. I have the name Ronnie O’Sullivan logged away in my brain as a top snooker player. Why do I know that? Why is that fact taking up room in my brain?
Anyway, I took an interest in Mr Federer over the years. Not because he’s cute, which he is. Not because he’s nice, which he is. But because he’s good, really good. And if I’m gonna root for someone, I want them to win. I don’t root for losers.
I’m going to take some time out of my busy schedule to educate you on the world of Roger Federer. You don’t even need to know about tennis. You just need to know about him. He was born in 1981 in Switzerland. This is important. You should know the ages of athletes because if there’s a lag in the conversation you can always bring up how they don’t have much time before they retire, or mention how they’re SO young and already a professional or something like that. People will think you really know your stuff. You also have to consider where they’re from. Think of Switzerland–mountains, neutrality, Geneva, wealthy, etc. It makes sense because Fed is always dressed to the nines even when he’s playing tennis. He’s always matching, never sweats, and constantly looks like he’s having a good time.
Rafael Nadal, hailing from Spain, and one of Roger’s biggest competitions, looks like a rat monkey and has been seen wearing man-capris. That’s Spain for you.
Fed doesn’t only dress well, he plays well too. He almost dances on the court. It’s crazy how graceful he is. He’s held the record for being the #1 tennis player in the world for 285 consecutive weeks from February 2 2004 to August 18 2008. One week short of Pete Sampras’ record. He’s also holds the Men’s Grand Slam record for 16 wins.
He is one of seven male players to capture the career Grand Slam and one of three (with Andre Agassi and Rafael Nadal) to do so on three different surfaces (clay, grass, and hard courts). He is the only male player in tennis history to have reached the title match of each Grand Slam tournament at least five times and also the final at each of the nine ATP Masters 1000 tournaments. Many sports analysts, tennis critics, and former and current players consider Federer to be the greatest tennis player of all time.
He IS the greatest player of all time. Hands down. Nadal and Djokovic are both so stupid and ugly and Spanish and Serbian. Like, go away seriously. They’ve been a pain to watch. Mainly because they both came out of nowhere and started destroying Fed’s career. He’s taken a fall from #1 to #3.
I’m going to blame everything on Federer having kids. Recently, his wife, Mirka gave birth to twin girls, Myla and Charlene. Yes, Charlene. My theory is that once you have kids, your life is pretty much over. Who knows what Mirka is making him do–change diapers, give piggy back rides, clean up barf?! How can he perfect his game if his home life is chaotic? Thanks a lot Mirka.
I’ve babysat a lot in the past 8 years. It’s the perfect job when you think about it. You get to make up your own schedule, taxes don’t get taken out of your money, and you get to play and watch movies most of the time. However, there have been moments in my career where I’ve been a less than perfect care-taker. But that was in the beginning–when I was younger and didn’t really know what I was doing. Now I think of myself as some sort of babysitting professional.
I’m going to explain this post beforehand as to avoid any confusion for those of you who don’t understand what I’m trying to do here. Lately on tumblr, people have been using gifs (the moving pictures…for those of you behind the times) to describe how they’re feeling. I’ve peppered some of my older posts with them, but today I’m going to use gifs and pictures as the anchor of the post. Enjoy.
You know what I do to really depress myself? List all of the things that I’ll have to do for the rest of my life. It can be the most miniscule task, but it will still cause me distress to think about.
Some moms complain about how they’ve made a million school lunches for their kids. Yeah, I’m not talking about stuff like that. School lunches end. You really only have to make them for 5 or 6 years. If your kid is eating a packed lunch in middle school or high school, chances are they have no friends. So shut up about school lunches. Plus, making lunch is awesome. Anything to do with food is great.
Here are some examples of things that I will be doing for the rest of my life:
Bathing. No matter how many times you bathe a week, you will never be clean forever. I know it doesn’t take up much time, and it’s often relaxing, but imagine how much extra time we would have if we didn’t have to ever clean ourselves. Tons of time! We wouldn’t have to invest in soaps or shampoos or blow dryers because we wouldn’t have any need for them. And think about all the water we would be saving! I think I just figured out how to obtain world peace. YOU’RE WELCOME, EARTH.
Cleaning/laundry/dishes/etc. It wasn’t until I lived on my own that I realized cleaning is the worst. I love organizing things. Cleaning on the other hand, not so much. It’s great when you’ve finished cleaning and your house looks spick and span until you realize that you have to do it all again next week. You’ll never escape the cycle of cleaning. You have to do it FOR-EV-ER. I’ve found a shortcut around not having to do dishes. All you have to do is avoid using them. Good luck with that. Unless your body can sustain itself on chips and soda like mine.
Working out/dieting. This has to be the most depressing. No matter how much you work out and eat healthy, you’ll gain weight if you stop. I wish there was a point where your body was like, “Sweet, I think I got the hang of this. I’ll take it from here.” If you’ve been at a good weight and then gained the pounds back, you know how hard it is to get back to your skinny point. It’s rough. Bodies are dumb.
Buying gas/food/toiletries. This sucks. Unless you’re an extreme coupon-er and have a stock pile of goods in your basement, I’m guessing you’re like me and have to buy this stuff over and over. You couldn’t really stock pile gas though, could you? Well, you could, but you’d have to put it in those weird containers and they freak me out. Gas shouldn’t be portable. It should only come out of gas stations. I know it has to be transported to the gas stations, but it would be more magical if the gas just happened to come out of the ground wherever the stations where. Wtf am I talking about anymore?
Making money. Someone in your family has to go to work everyday. It might not be you, but there is some way you’ve acquired money. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a sum of money that you eventually made that would be enough? Enough in the sense that you’d never have to work again. I guess this happens to some people. But if that happened to everyone, then we’d all have the same amount of money and it would kind of be like a commune where everyone has the same stuff. Which has always been an attractive way of living in my eyes. Maybe I should move to Russia? I would wear one of those cool hats and learn to do that crazy dance and drink vodka all the time. I probably wouldn’t do any of those things. Unless they included crying myself to sleep every night.
Hopefully everyone wants to kill themselves now.
Lot’s o’ love!
Let’s be clear for a minute. These are MY fave. Not your fave, not the best ever, not the funniest. Just mine. Most of these are pretty popular. Others you might not be as familiar with. In which case, you’re welcome.
Greg’s Coconut Phone. During the very first season of Survivor or, the birth of reality television, one of the contestants, Greg, would talk into a coconut on a daily basis. For the record, the game lasted for 40 days. If someone was watching Greg’s actions they would have thought he was the original Castaway, or was a severe schizo. I love how Greg’s teammates look at him, unamused. The fact that he uses the term “incommunicado” incorrectly makes me want to actually leave him on an island so he can be with his coconut phone. Forever.
Chicken of the Sea. Everyone thought this moment was so funny and cute. It disturbed me more than anything. It demonstrated that celebrities don’t have to have a brain in their head to make millions of dollars. Don’t get me wrong, Jessica is cute and seems super nice. But come on. Even Nick is like, are you retarded? I love when Jessica says “Oh I understand now. I read it wrong.” Good save, Jess.
Watermelon to the Face. I’m not a huge fan of slapstick, but I am a huge fan of seeing annoying people get hurt. The Amazing Race is a great show because a bunch of annoying people get to race around the world and get super tired and eat gross things and eventually not win a million dollars. In this challenge, two lesbians (I mean, “Home Shopping Hosts”) have to hit some knights in armor with watermelons. When you’re racing around the world, tasks like this ALWAYS come up. After the girl gets pummeled with a watermelon, her companion has little to no sympathy. “They don’t call it The Amazing Race for nothing.” Now get up off your ass, wipe the fruit out of your hair, and try not to get your big head in the way this time.
Snooki Gets Punched. This is the moment that made Snooki watchable. Before she was socked right in the kisser, she wasn’t memorable or outgoing. It’s almost like she got some sense smacked into her. But no, she’s actually still really dumb. It’s just kind of fun to watch.
Scott Disick Being Perfect. The hilarity that is Scott Disick cannot be contained in one scene. Mr. Disick, beau of Kourtney Kardashian, makes Keeping Up With The Kardashians worth watching. Unforch, it’s impossible for me to pick just one funny Disick moment, so y’all are going to have to do some Kardash research. Marathon anyone?!?!
Susan Boyle Doin’ Her Thang. I know it’s super cheesy, but I love moments like this. This clip makes me never want to judge a book by it’s cover ever again. I’m still going to judge people on their appearances. But books? Never again. The best part about this clip, in my opinion, is Simon’s reaction. You can tell he’s like “Am I on Punk’d?” Classic. Piers is just being annoying. And the girl in the middle is crying her face off.
Teresa Giudice Crazy Town. You really only have to watch the first minute of this clip to understand Teresa Giudice. She makes Jessica Simpson look scholarly. She makes Snooki look lady-like. The worst part is that the woman that Teresa’s fighting, Danielle, is super obnoxious. But Teresa makes her look like a calm and collected reasonable human. Teresa Giudice is what nightmares are made of. Andy Cohen probably had to burn his suit after Teresa
touched slammed him.
Alana. Let’s just say, if my child turned out like Alana, I would have 10 kids. Nothing makes me laugh quite like this reality TV moment. TLC really comes up with some genius shows, including, Toddlers and Tiaras. Alana’s mother is frightening, like most beauty pageant moms. But she did something right in raising this child because she’s almost as funny as me. You can hear the cameramen and interviewers laughing in the background of all her scenes. God bless Alana.
I’m gonna tell you a little story about my kindergarten self. No, it’s not the story about how I went around during recess asking kids if they were a boy or a girl. But I will say that it’s a great way to guarantee tears. This story is still about me being a jerk, but I kind of learn a lesson at the end. Key words: kind of.
It’s typical that kindergarten classes are only held for half of the day. I would go to school from about 8am to noon. My teacher was Mrs. Ford. She was tall, skinny, and had short dark hair. She had the voice of a smoker. That’s about as much as I can remember about her. She wasn’t very lovable.
Every day we would have play time where we were allowed to do whatever we liked in the class room. There was a play kitchen set up in the back of the room that was always a super popular hangout. I would usually spend my time looking into the overhead projector. I didn’t know what it did, but I was fascinated by it. I was so dumb.
One day, I found something even cooler to look at. Sitting on Mrs. Ford’s desk was a paperweight with a snowflake inside it. I don’t know if you understand how magical this was. THERE WAS A SNOWFLAKE INSIDE A PAPERWEIGHT. I had never seen treasure, but I figured that this was as close as I would get.
I was one of the kids who would walk home from school while the other kids took the bus. Everyday Mrs. Ford would walk our class to their buses while the kids who walked or got picked up would go their separate ways. I couldn’t stop thinking about the paperweight. I wanted it. But for some reason I knew I couldn’t steal it. I figured if I couldn’t have it, then neither should Mrs. Ford. So I hid it in her classroom.
When I came back the next morning, the paperweight was on her desk. Damn you, Ford. So after school I hid it again. And she found it again. This went on for a while. A couple of weeks at least. Until one day when I hid it really well. I remember exactly where I put it. On the floor by the play kitchen. There was a lip where the wall stuck out over the floor and made a little gap. It was there where I placed the paperweight. The next day it wasn’t on her desk.
Mrs. Ford made an announcement to our class. She said, “Someone has been hiding my paperweight everyday. I couldn’t find it today. If you see it, make sure to tell me.” She didn’t seem amused. I’m sure if she didn’t know it was me before she made the announcement, she probably did afterward. I can’t imagine myself having a good poker face at the ripe age of 6. After that, she announced that we would have a special guest later that day–a policeman. A policeman?! Oh sweet Jesus why? My first thought was that he was going to arrest me. She must have known it was me, and now I’m going to be arrested and I’ll never see my family again. Being arrested is embarrassing enough, did Mrs. Ford really have to get a policeman to publicly arrest me in front of my peers?
All of a sudden I heard someone shout “I found the paperweight!” It was that ginger Heather Boch. She found it. Good job Heather. Way to ruin all of my hard work. But then I realized that maybe, now that it’s been found, they won’t arrest me! And they didn’t. The policeman only talked about traffic safety and stuff. I felt a rush of relief once he left. I never hid that stupid paperweight again.
Last night I saw Snow White and The Huntsman (or SWATH). It had the right amount of fairytale feeling, enough action to keep you going, and at least one of the Hemsworth brothers.
I would definitely recommend this movie. It had a Pan’s Labyrinth kind of feel to it which I really liked. The acting was well done. Kristen Stewart was likable which is a large feat for her. I was a bit distracted by her mouth because she’s what I like to call, long in the tooth. But besides that, she was really good. The storyline is a clever and realistic take on the well-known fairy tale. Throughout the movie I was semi distracted during certain scenes. Here are some of my observations.
At the beginning of the movie it’s obvious that Snow White’s mother, Queen Eleanor, loves her. Snow White is a happy child and is a kind person with a good heart. In fact, her mother tells her how beautiful her heart is and touches her daughter’s chest. I would’ve been like, “Umm mom? Can you not touch my prepubescent boobs? I know where my heart is. Thanks.”
Charlize Theron plays Ravenna, the evil queen that takes over Snow White’s father’s kingdom. I’m guessing she’s named after the ravens that she randomly morphs into during the film. Don’t even try to tell me that no birds were harmed in the making of this movie because there was some cray cray bird shite going on. I’m sorry but I was seriously waiting for Charlize to start strutting around the room and then look into the camera and say “J’adore Dior” and then go back to being Ravenna. I, for one, would’ve appreciated it.
One thing that you learn in the movie is that England during the 14th century is basically a world of mud. Like, mud is everywhere. Everyone is covered in it. All of the character’s fingernails are dirty, even the Queen had grungy nails. So let me get this straight. You can turn yourself into a flock of birds but you can’t clean your nails? Priorities, Ravenna. J’adore Dior!
The Seven Dwarves made me nauseous more than anything. All of their teeth were rotten and each and every one of them looked smelly. None of them had loveable characteristics like the ones from the Disney classic. Except one dwarf was blind. That’s kind of cute, right? I kept thinking that one of them really looked like Nick Frost. Turns out it was Nick Frost. Couldn’t they get actual dwarves? If they could do it with
hundreds fourteen Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, surely the makers of SWATH could find at least 7 real dwarves. Note: Do dwarves really exist or should I be referring to them as little people?
There were also a lot of conveniences in the movie. After Snow White escaped from the castle, there was a white horse just chillin on the beach. Hmm that’s handy. The team that’s tracking Snow White picks up her tracks pretty easily by smelling the ground and the trees, etc. Like, don’t pretend for a minute that humans have an innate sense of smell. There’s no way you could smell anyone by sniffing some dirt. Also, when Snow White’s in battle, she and her army are pelted by arrows and she’s unharmed the entire time. There’s literally a shower of arrows and not one hits you? How is she all of a sudden the best knight around?
And lastly, Ravenna’s relationship with her brother is a weird one at best. Her albino brother, Finn, is basically her slave. He does whatever he’s told and helps her rule the kingdom ruthlessly. I find this slightly unbelievable since my brother will barely even fetch me a can of soda. Their relationship is taken to a new level of creepy when Finn watches her take a random milk/paint/wax bath.
Hopefully this doesn’t stray you from seeing the movie. It’s actually very entertaining and beautifully done. I’m just unable to fully appreciate something until I make fun of it.