Feelings, TV

My Husband and I Are Basically Cam and Mitch From Modern Family

I was talking to one of my blogging friends, Mooselicker. Maybe you’ve heard of him? He asked me which TV or movie couple I would compare Paul and myself to. What an awesome question. I couldn’t come up with anything right away, so think of this entire post as your answer, Moosey goose (sorry, never again).

I asked my family to help me think of an identical couple to Paul and I, but they only came up with dumb ideas usually resulting in me being Renee’ Zellweger. Like, just no. Either Paul was Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, or Tom Cruise and I was Renee’. In what way is that fair? I said Tom Hanks and Wilson from Cast Away, which I think was a pretty good fit. I’d be Wilson, obvs. But then I mentioned Cam and Mitch and everyone ignored me because our food was served. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a perfect match. Except that they’re both gay men. Minor detail.

Cameron Tucker and Mitchell Pritchett are the perfect couple in my eyes. They don’t always get along, but they make things work and they’re consistently the best part of Modern Family. Kind of like how Paul and I are the best part of the world. They’re the definition of the phrase “opposites attract”. They balance each other out.

The only difference is that Paul's not a ginger. And I'm not a large man.

Mitch is mild, yet sometimes tightly spun. He’s a lawyer and Paul is going to be a lawyer! He loves Costco and Paul loves Costco! In older episodes Mitch mentions that he likes ice skating, musical theater, and building things. Guess what, guys? Paul likes doing all of those things too! Did I marry a gay man? Possibly. Mitch was also nervous about raising a child. I’m not saying that Paul’s nervous about child-raising, but he definitely is. He’s responsible, level headed, and always makes fun of me and my dumb ways. In the exact same way that Mitch makes fun of Cam.

Cameron has a very bubbly, outgoing personality. Being slightly over-dramatic, like myself, he contrasts Mitch perfectly. Cam has lot of unusual interests. We don’t share the same hobbies, per se, but my interests are also unique and diverse. He’s a stay at home dad, and I’m basically a stay at home mom. Besides the whole “mothering” thing. Cam is definitely the woman of the relationship. Like all good women, he’s sensitive.

I distinctly remember a scene from Modern Family where Cam and his adoptive daughter, Lily ( I KNOW), are having fun baking in the kitchen. He makes a mess and then walks away. Mitch complains about how Cam has all the fun and how he leaves all the cleaning up for Mitch. After that, Cam pretends to clean up but doesn’t actually do anything. So yeah. That’s Paul and I in a nutshell.

Which TV or movie couple have a similar relationship to yours?

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Animals, Vacation, victoria b.c.

Being A Tour Guide

Let me just start off by saying that I have no experience in being a tour guide. I got my degree in History (it’s useless) and one of the jobs that people recommended to me was tour guiding. Really? That’s the job you think I should do? I mean, yeah I’m funny and entertaining, and people would definitely pay to follow me around for the day, but having people depend on me for a good time is just way too much pressure.

My p-rents are coming into town tonight. And by tonight I mean midnight. So I don’t have to worry about planning anything today. Whew! I know that their main reason for coming is to see me, but I also want them to have a good time as well. Luckily Victoria has a lot of coolio activities for us to do. What I’m really dreading though, is the weather. Weather is so scary. You just have to hope for the best. Unless you’re Storm. I feel like Storm kind of got gypped out of a good super power. Like, whooo you can make lightning! I don’t know, I just think she’s kind of lame. Plus her hair is white and she’s only in her 30′s. Yikes Storm, yikes. Invest in some hair dye and get that under control.

Does she make any other weather besides lightning?

Like any good tour guide, I’ll take my parents to my apartment. I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m with a tour guide I always wonder what their living conditions are like. I mean, they can’t make that much dough. They’re pretty much like starving artists without actually being artists. Hopefully my parents will marvel at how nicely my husband and I have made our place look. I’m sure they’ll be full of awe that I haven’t burnt the place down yet.

Next, I’ll probably take them around the little village by my house. Once you walk down the street that the village is on, you’ll be at the ocean. There’s a dog park there, so that should take up some time as well. My family can be distracted by animals for hours on end. Dogs are awesome. Especially other people’s dogs. You get to enjoy them, without taking care of them! It’s pretty much a win-win.

I think only doing two activities per day is good. Not too many, but not too few. Plus, with lunch and dinner, and then some relaxation time, the day is pretty much over. The next day should be spent downtown methinks. I know how much my parents have missed buying me things, so it’ll be my treat to pick out some things for them to purchase.

I also want to take them to Fisherman’s Wharf to feed the seals. Seriously guys, it’s all about the animal activities! Seals are awesome to look at because they have cute faces and they’re all blubbery. And they’re super selfish. Which is always entertaining. Getting to feed animals is even better because then you really feel like you’re part of the circle of life. I swear the circle consists of me buying smelly fish and tossing it to those wide-eyed seals. Afterwards we can get fish and chips and pretend that we live in house boats.

Look at his body. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Sooner or later I’ll have to take them to my place of work, the museum. And if you think the museum pays me, you’re sorely mistaken. This seems like a rainy day activity. No one wants to walk around a museum while the sun is shining. Unfortunately, my rents are coming between exhibitions so they won’t even see anything super unique. We just had a wildlife photography exhibit that was awesome (it literally filled me with awe) but it ended a couple weeks ago. And our dinosaur exhibit doesn’t start until mid-May. Too bad I couldn’t continue my animal trend.

And lastly I might throw in a trip to Butchart’s Gardens. It’s a super beautiful place full of flowers and trees and ponds…okay full of gardens. I’ve only been there during Christmas for their light-show, but I’ve heard great things about their flowers! Flowers make people feel like life really has a purpose (which it does!). I imagine it to play out like some scene from Alice in Wonderland where all the flowers start singing “On a Golden Afternoon” or something of the like.

I forgot how scary the flower's faces were! The back left one is going to haunt my dreams.

Sounds like my parents are in for an eventful trip! What do you like to do when you tour people around your home town?

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Movies

90′s Movies That Can Salvage Any Bad Childhood

Movie makers in the 90′s truly understood the generation that they were aiming to please–my generation. Nothing that bad could really happen in your childhood while you were watching a movie. No one disrupts a child with it’s eyes glued to the tube. At least I don’t.

I’m definitely not saying that I had a bad childhood. I had one of the best, if not the best. That’s right, I said it, my childhood was better than yours. These movies helped shape my younger years. They’re creative, funny, and make you feel good. Any 90′s child, or parent of a 90′s child would agree.

The Sandlot (93). Boys, baseball, the 60′s…what more could you want in a flick? The best part, at least in my opinion, is that they don’t focus on the game of baseball that much. That would be a snore-fest. The movie’s main character, Scott Smalls, moves to a new neighborhood where he comes across a group of boys that play baseball in an abandoned lot all day, every day. Smalls doesn’t even know how to throw a baseball, but he soon befriends the leader of the group and becomes one of the guys. It’s a fun-filled story. Plus, there are some great lines. Like the famous, “You’re killin’ me Smalls!”

Jumanji (95). Jumanji oh my lord almighty, Jumanji. This movie was genius. I tried introducing it to my husband yesterday and he said it was “alright.” Ummm excusez moi? Unfortunately Jumanji‘s main character is played by Robin Williams. But don’t worry, he doesn’t really make any weird noises like he does in Mrs. Doubtfire (another 90′s classic)–Dave Coulier style. The story revolves around a board game that’s alive, in a sense. Every time someone rolls, a new danger comes out of the game-forcing the players into a crazy whirlwind of events. Bonnie Hunt is in it. She totally knew what was up in the 90′s.

Heavy Weights(95). This movie was perfect for all of those 90′s kids who thought they were fat. Or for all those kids that actually were fat. Ben Stiller was at his prime in this flick. He plays Tony Perkis, the new manager of what was once an awesome fat camp. He turns it into hell for these chubby guys. The campers lock Tony up and hilarity ensues. This movie made me want to go to an all-boys fat camp.

It's impossible to feel bad about your bod after watching this flick.

Home Alone (90). If you were a 90′s child and your parents never introduced you to Home Alone, I’m sorry but that’s reason enough to call the child abuse hotline. Every kid has wanted the freedom to be home alone. Except me. I was terrified of being left alone, forgotten, or having to live with some other family. Remember how I told you I had the perfect childhood? Yeah, I was literally scared that I would have to be part of some other, lesser family. Kevin McCallister showed me that being home alone can be awesome. You can eat whatever you want, watch The Grinch, and go through your brother’s possessions–”Buzz’s girlfriend, woof!” Kevin outsmarts burglars all by himself and ends up probably having a better vacation than his stupid family in Paris. Who goes to Paris for Christmas? Kevin, your family is what the french call, les incompetents.

Me, every day since I was able to stay home alone.

Cool Runnings (93). Man, ’93 and ’95 were good years for kid’s movies. Not only is Cool Runnings an awesome story, it’s based on a true story! AND John Candy is in it. He was also in Home Alone, but I mean…He, Bonnie Hunt, and Robin Williams all sold their souls to the gods of the 90′s.  The movie is about a Jamaican bobsled team. That’s pretty much the extent of it. It teaches kids that anyone can be a bobsledder. It also teaches you that you won’t always win. Even if you travel all the way from Jamaica to participate in the Winter Olympics in Calgary, Alberta. Remember kids, there’s always a big chance that you’ll lose.

Matilda (96). Matilda is the awesome story about a normal girl with magical powers. Her parents were played by Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman. Matilda looked surprisingly normal despite having them for parents. She went to an elementary school with a super scary principle, Miss Trunchbull. The story is whimsical and teaches kids that if their parents abuse them, one of their nice teachers will probably adopt them some day.

Hope these lightened your day as much as they did for my childhood!

 

 

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Music

Dear Lana Del Rey Why Are You So Coolio?

After hearing the song, Video Games, by Miss Del Rey, I couldn’t help the urge to become obsessed with her. I went through the same kind of thing with Gaga, but she literally wore a dress made of meat, and after that point I really couldn’t deal. Let’s delve into some reasons why I love her. Hopefully this will make up for the post where I made fun of Adele and everyone hated me for like 5 minutes.

Lana Del Rey is a cool name, right? Yeah, too bad it’s not her real name. We can’t all be blessed with awesome names like mine. Lana’s real name is Elizabeth Woolridge Grant so can anyone really blame her for changing it? No. We support you Lana/Elizabeth. Although I would have made the ‘D’ in Del Rey lower case, but whatever.

Lana has some really crazy fingernails. I have to applaud her for never poking her eye out with one of those bad boys. They’re so long and pointy. Does she bleed every time she scratches herself? She must. What a brave soul. Inflicting pain on herself just to be cool and different. That’s probably something I would do. Beauty is pain after all.

Wowza.

Lana’s song Video Games is awesome. It’s so different from anything I’ve heard lately. Her voice is gravel-y, yet controlled and smooth. A walking contradiction, she is. The music video is self-made and pretty bomb. Other songs of hers that I enjoy are Born To Die and Blue Jeans. Here are some Born To Die lyrics:

“Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry,

Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough,

I don’t know why…

…Choose your last words,

This is the last time,

Cause you and I, we were born to die.”

Mmm I love those lines. I mean, we’re all going to die eventually, so good for Lana for figuring out a way for everyone in the world to relate to her song.

There have been a lot of bad reviews on her Born To Die album though. Which is weird. In fact, there’s an online article with every awful thing that different magazines have said about her. Here’s an example:

Yowch. But like, does anyone even read the Los Angeles Times? Does anyone even live in Los Angeles? Plus, I think recording an album in an underwater cathedral would be an amazing feat. So, she should take that as a compliment.

Also, her song Video Games was parodied to perfection into a song about The Hunger Games, appropriately titled, Hunger Games. Listen, if you don’t like Lana by now, here’s a picture of her holding a cat. Cat’s are awesome.

But you're like really pretty, Lana Del Rey.

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Favorites, School

My Fave Short Stories

I had started this post last night but my laptop decided to shut down during the middle of the night. Rude. Who shuts down their computers anymore? No one. Different topic for a different day.

Short stories are great because they’re short. Just kidding. But seriously. Despite them being a quick read, short stories can still take you away to a different time and place. I remember reading a handful of short stories in my senior English class and loving all of them. Recommending short stories is a safe thing to do because then people don’t hate you for pressuring them to waste their life reading something that they might end up not liking. This way, they only have to read 30 or 40 pages max. If they can’t do that, then maybe they can’t read and they’re embarrassed to tell people. A likely scenario.

So here’s a list of some of my favorite short stories and your summer reading list. You’re welcome.

“A&P” by John Updike. I like this story a lot. It takes place during the summer in the grocery store, A&P. Unfortunately A&P’s don’t exist anymore, and haven’t since the 1970′s. Still, I find this story super relatable. The main character, Sammy works as a cashier at the store, and as the reader, we hear his entire inner monologue when a bunch of bathing suit-clad girls walk into the store. Definitely a classic.

Waddup ladies.

“Quitter’s Inc.” by Stephen King. I didn’t even realize this story was written by Mr. King until I recently looked it up. No wonder I like it so much. It’s one of the most creative short stories I’ve read, for sure. The story is about a man named Dick Morrison who has a smoking problem. He meets one of his old college roommates who advises him to go to Quitter’s Inc. They have a 98% success rate at helping people kick their addictions. Unfortunately their methods are not typical and Dick finds himself trapped in a scary game that he can only get out of by quitting his bad habit. I don’t want to give too much of it away, but if you’re only going to read one of these short stories, this would be my top suggestion.

“Harrison Bergeron” by Kurt Vonnegut. I don’t usually go for futuristic stories, but this one is awesome. Obviously, it’s the year 2081 and because of the additional Amendments to the Constitution (211, 212, 213) no American can be more stupid, ugly, weak, or slower than anyone else. Everyone is perfectly equal. The story takes place in the living room of George and Hazel Bergeron. George is an intelligent man, but the government makes him wear a radio that sends noise through it every so often to interrupt his thoughts, making him have average intelligence. Everyone that has been born with some kind of outstanding characteristic is given a handicap. The ballerinas that George and Hazel watch on TV are weighted down as to not make anyone too graceful and are masked as to not show their beauty. The story is so creative and original. I would recommend buying “Welcome to the Monkey House” by Kurt Vonnegut because it’s full of crazy cool stories like this one.

They’ve made 2081 into a movie! That’s George, weighted down and radio-ed up. :(

“The Most Dangerous Game” by Richard Connell. The main character, Sanger Rainsford, is planning a trip to Rio to hunt a jaguar. Being a big game hunter, he’s confident and sure of himself that this will be a successful trip. Traveling by yacht, Sanger ends up falling overboard during the night and being unable to catch up to the boat. He swims to the nearest Caribbean island where he meets General Zaroff, another game hunter. Zaroff tells Sanger about how he has become bored of hunting wild animals because it no longer challenges him. He confides in Sanger and tells him the reason why he moved to the island–to hunt shipwrecked sailors and kill them. If they can elude his hunting dogs for 3 days, he would let them go. Zaroff asked Sanger if he wanted to join him in the hunting of other men. Appalled, Sanger said no. Thus making him the hunted instead of the hunter in the most dangerous game he’s ever played.

I guess they’ve made movies out of all my fave stories?!!?

“Desiree’s Baby” by Kate Chopin. Chopin’s work is crazy controversial for the time that she wrote it in the 1890′s. She wrote about women committing suicide, and in the case of “Desiree’s Baby”, people who had black relatives in their family. The story takes place in Creole Louisiana.  Desiree is the adopted daughter of the wealthy Monsieur and Madame Valmonde’ and is courted by another man of great wealth named Armond. They love one another deeply and eventually have a child. People who see the baby sense something unusual about it. Eventually they realize that the baby is the same color as a “quadroon” (one quarter African). Armand immediately blames the baby’s color on Desiree’s unknown roots. It’s a sad story, but a good one.

By now you guys probably know how well read and smart I am. If you read all of these short stories, you’ll catch up to me in no time. Lot’s o’ love.

Lily

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Feelings, Holidays

4/20

For some reason the date April 20th is National Pot Smokers Day. Who decided this? Why do pot smokers need their own day? They get to relax all the time! Seems unfair.

I never smoked pot. I tried to smoke cigarettes but I couldn’t really figure out the whole breathing smoke into my lungs thing. How are people so good at harming their bodies?! I feel like I should have been given this gift, but alas, I have not. So I didn’t even try smoking pot because apparently it makes you cough even if your doing it right.

I went on a run last night (I know) and I could smell someone smoking weed around me. The only two people I was approaching were this older, well to do couple. It had to be them. Unless one of them likes Eau de Cannabis, I’m pretty sure they were tokin’ like a pair of teenagers. During this part in my run, I was getting pretty exhausted (5 minutes in) and I had to cough, but I didn’t want them to think that I was coughing because they reeked of pot and that was a way of me telling them that they’re gross. So I held in my cough until they were far enough behind me that I felt safe. Should there be an age limit on pot smokers? I feel like once you reach 40, it’s seems kind of desperate. Like, grow up dude. Although I’m 24 and I still say dude.

I guess you could say that people in my high school were into weed. And by into weed I mean they dressed in patchwork clothes and talked about jam bands. Those kinds of people. But I loved them. They were always super nice and appreciated my sense of humor. Although I think they appreciated any attempt at humor.

Always havin' a good time.

My friend went to Hawaii a couple of years ago and she traveled for hours to go see some natural wonder that I’ve forgotten the name of. While she and her family were deep in the Hawaiian jungles (does Hawaii have jungles?) they saw Woody Harrelson smoking a doobie. He saw them and literally ran away. That’s how I remember the story being told. I feel like a lot of celebrities do this. Remember when Miley Cyrus was caught smoking pot and her publicists made up a drug that “definitely wasn’t marijuana.” So Miley just happens to be the only one into salvia right? And salvia has all of the same effects that pot does except that it’s not illegal? Look, my spell check doesn’t even recognize the word salvia. I don’t know what kind of fast one her publicists think they pulled, but they weren’t fooling anyone. Miley should have taken the Woody Harrelson approach and booked it outta there.

I feel like I’m on the island of misfit tokers over here. Everyone does it. The oldies, the young ones, and everyone in between. Why is it so prominent here? Are they better at growing it? Someone please give me answers!

Why are people like Bob Marley and Willie Nelson considered pot smoking gods? Both of these men severely freak me out. Not Bob as much as that inbred Willie. Celebrities are definitely into the ganja. It’s probably so easy for them to obtain. Michelle Phillips from The Mamas and the Papas said in 2001 “Marijuana should definitely be legalized. I think we should let everyone smoke it without fear of being thrown in jail. It’s the greatest drug in the world!” Oh Michelle you messed up creep. Anyone that was married to John Phillips, destroyer of Mackenzie Phillips’ life is not someone I would take advice from.

Barf.

So whats the consensus? Weed–good or bad? How are you going to celebrate 4/20? I’m going to celebrate by watching Finding Nemo on mute and listening to Dark Side of the Moon. And surrounding myself in tie dye. So trippy.

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Movies, Music, TV

People Named Lily Who Aren’t As Cool As Me

The title of this post pretty much says it all. The name Lily is becoming more and more popular which means that there are more and more people making a disgrace of what it means to be a Lily. Let’s explore some people who have been blessed with a beautiful name, but have tarnished it in one way or another.

Lily Allen. I don’t mind Lily Allen as much as one would assume. I definitely think she could look cuter–she’s been in fashion police one too many times for a fellow Lily. Her dad is a musician so it’s safe to assume that she played the nepotism card. I don’t disapprove of this as much as I do of her fake accent. She puts on a bit of a rougher East End accent which is unfortunate. Don’t dumb yourself down! Her lyrics and melodies are fun, but she hasn’t won a Grammy so it’s impossible for me to be fully proud of her. She did win a Download Music Award though. Whatever that means.

The one and only good picture of her.

Lily Collins. Daughter of yep…Phil Collins. Okay I think Lily Collins is really pretty. She has crazy eyebrows which I’m kind of jealous of. But then I remember that her dad is Phil Collins and I’m like okay ew. She’s starting to embrace a career in acting. You might remember her as the daughter in The Blind Side. Remember how her name was Collins in the movie? It all makes sense now! She was also in that really bad movie with Taylor Lautner called Abduction that no one had to see in order to know that it was really bad. Now she’s playing Snow White in Mirror Mirror, not to be confused with the similar film Snow White and the Huntsman. Despite Mirror Mirror adding even less credibility to her resume than Abduction, I’d rather accept her into the Lily club than the lead in Snow White and the Huntsman, Kristen “I look like I’m going to barf” Stewart.

Those brows!

Lily-Rose Melody Depp. Yes, Johnny Depp’s daughter. Lily-Rose literally has no accomplishments. She’s a girl after my own heart, really. Johnny Depp is the only one that adds any credit to her existence. It’s possible that she’ll grow up being exclusively in Tim Burton films and having a huge gap-toothed smile like her mom, Vanessa Paradis.

Lily Tomlin. What Lily Tomlin lacks in good looks, she definitely makes up for in talent and humor. At least she’s been in roles that are recognizable! She’s been in almost every TV show from Frasier to Sesame Street to Desperate Housewives. My only problem with this is that she seems kind of desperate. Slow down crazy, slow down! You’re old so you don’t really need money or things any more so why don’t you just relax and chill out?

And for the love of all that is holy, get a makeover.

Lily Cole. She’s a model/actor. She could have won one of those Slashie awards in Zoolander! She’s got a really unique face, but she ruins it by being a super ginger. BUT she’s 5′ 10 so she’s definitely helping the tall Lily population. Lily Cole goes to Cambridge, so she’s like, really smart. BUT she posed nude in Playboy. She’s only been in one really big movie which was The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. As much time as it takes to figure out how to pronounce the title, is about the same length as the movie itself–3 hours. You also feel like you’re on Ecstasy the whole time. And Heath Ledger killed himself during the making of the movie because he hated it so much. True story.

Honorable Mention: Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother. I know that Lily Aldrin isn’t a real person, but she’s doing a lot of harm to the name Lily. The character is played by Alyson “no lips” Hannigan. Another ginger. I like that in the show she’s married to Jason Segel’s character Marshall. Unfortunately, during her college years she was goth–dyed black hair and all. She’s just a really weird character and she never has any good lines. At least none that I can remember since the last time I watched it in 2009.

Is there any celebrity that shares your name that really disrespects everything your name stands for?

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Exercise, Vacation

Blackhawk Pool

One of my greatest childhood memories took place in our subdivision’s public pool. I spent my elementary years in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I don’t remember much of it besides my house, my neighbor’s yards, the library, my school, and of course, Blackhawk Pool.

The fact that I could find a picture of Blackhawk pool online makes me sick.

Blackhawk was a pretty typical neighborhood. The houses weren’t too big, but they weren’t small either. You could get a lot for your money during the 90′s in rural Indiana. I remember spending lot of my summers at the pool. I think it was a good go-to activity for most parents. Take your kids to the pool–they have fun, you get a tan!

I remembered getting there early. Like, at 9am. Who goes to the pool at 9am besides my mom? No one. Literally every time we’re on vacation my mom wakes up, has breakfast and goes to the pool or the beach. It’s nice because I always have a spot reserved!

Because my brother and I spent so much time in the pool, we became pretty great swimmers. Well, I did at least. I loved swimming in the deep end, diving for rings or sticks or whatever the hell kids dive for. I also loved jumping off the high dive. I remember it being SO tall. There was a while when I just did little jumps, but once I learned to dive, there was no going back. I didn’t have time for jumps any more. It hurt my head when I hit the water diving off the board. Like I was diving into a pool of bricks. But any pain is worth it if you think you look cool in 4th grade.

All the Sandlot kids admiring my diving skills.

During the day, around lunch time there would be half an hour of adult swim which I loathed. UGHHHGH adults can swim any time! But I guess they just wanted time when kids weren’t jumping on their shoulders and swimming in between their legs. The only thing that adults do during adult swim is walk up and down the lanes like totally lame-os. Possibly the only good thing about adult swim was the snack bar. Since kids weren’t allowed in the pool at this time, we flocked to the food stand. I remember my brother and I always got Airheads or Whatchamacallits. A Whatchamacallit was a chocolate bar that was kind of crunchy and chewy. Airheads were…man, I don’t even know. Kind of like taffy, but a thinner consistency. We were pretty easy to please when it came to snacks. Unless it was fruit. Sick.

So yum.

The best part of Blackhawk pool was the radio. They had the radio on all the time. The station played the top songs of 1997…at least those were the ones that I remember the most. Whenever I hear one of these “Blackhawk pool songs” I’m instantly taken back. I remember exactly where I was. Some examples are:

Sunny Came Home-Shawn Colvin

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone-Paula Cole

If It Makes You Happy-Cheryl Crow

Building a Mystery- Sarah McLachlan

Tubthumping-Chumbawumba

Who Will Save Your Soul-Jewel

All For You- Sister Hazel

Bitch-Meredith Brooks

Breakfast at Tiffany’s- Deep Blue Something

Semi-Charmed Life- Third Eye Blind

Ahhh classics! I don’t ever want to revisit Blackhawk pool because I know it won’t be the same. The high dive will be small, the music won’t be the same, and I’ll be allowed to swim during adult swim.

Do you have any summer pool memories?

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Games

If I Lived In Candyland

A couple of days ago one of the kids I was babysitting brought out Candy Land. A truly classic game.

Firstly, let me just point out that Candy Land is a very Aryan game. Both of the kids are blonde haired and blue eyed. I’m just going to assume that Hitler dreamed about Candy Land during a slumber in his Eagle’s Nest and commissioned someone to make his dream a reality. Those are the game’s origins.

If I were to to travel to Candy Land, I think my adventure would be something like this:

A young Hitler and Eva.

I’m going to be the little girl in the game’s scenario. I grab the little boy’s hand, and we start off on our adventure. Why we’re both dressed in overalls, I don’t know. We come across a plum tree that houses a little green goblin named Plumpy. Plumpy has literally no friends. He’s been banished to the very outskirts of Candy Land because he only eats plums. PLUMS AREN’T EVEN CANDY. Plumpy isn’t of much help to me and my overall-ed companion/brother/life partner so we continue on our way.

The climate changes within seconds. All of a sudden there’s snow on the ground and we’re having trouble breathing. We’ve entered into Peppermint Forest. There’s a really tall, clownish looking man called Mr. Mint. He wears a clashing pink and red poufy outfit yet he claims to be a lumberjack. Mr. Mint might be a woman. Remembering that no one really likes minty candy except for felons and grandparents, we tiptoe out of the forest before Mr. Mint can chop us in half with his candy cane axe.

Running as fast as we can, Billy and I see a castle in the distance. I just decided my partner’s name is Billy, by the way. The castle looks nice enough, but it doesn’t seem to be that sturdy since it’s made of licorice. You would have to be very slender to live there. Luckily, Lord Licorice is of a slight build. He welcomes us and tells us that he can make our wildest dreams come true. Unfortunately neither mine, nor Billy’s dreams involve licorice so we decide to leave the Lord in the dust.

Lord Licorice/ Lord of The Dance.

Becoming more and more fed up with everyone around us, Billy and I try to kill each other. He’s just so stupid with his ugly overalls and striped shirt. He ended up getting stuck on one of those black spots where you have to pick a card of the same color to move again. So he’s basically there for the entire game.

The ground becomes bouncy and sugary. I’ve obviously made the right choice and ditched Billy before the candy started getting good. As I start to cross Gumdrop Pass I meet a weird alien named Jolly. He’s about as memorable as Plumpy. They both have the same body type too–the unfortunate type. I pay him no attention and take a huge bite out of his gumdrop house.

What happens next is the absolute worst. I come across Grandma Nut. I always thought of Candy Land as a variation of heaven. Grandma Nut ruins everything by being old. In my heaven, everyone is young, renewed and perfect. Grandma Nut is old, has no family, and lives in a peanut brittle house. She’ll talk your ear off if you get anywhere near her so cross your fingers that you pull a double red card to avoid any contact. I could imagine her toe nails looking like Brazil nuts.

Grandma Nut's toenails.

I follow the signs to Lollypop Woods. Princess Lolly resides here. She’s one of the best people in Candy Land solely based on her crown made of lollypops. And she curtsies. No one curtsies anymore! Still, Princess Lolly lives way too close to Grandma Nut in order for me to be fully comfortable, so I continue on my way. Bye Lolly. I love you.

Hands down the best place to be is Queen Frostine’s Ice Cream Sea. I’ll admit that ice cream isn’t typically considered candy, but I’m willing to make an exception. Queen Frostine is a real hottie. Lolly is cute, but not on the same hotness scale as the Queen. Is Lolly her real daughter? Why don’t either of them live in the castle with King Candy? Is King Candy supposed to symbolize God? BURNING QUESTIONS.

She could do way better than King Candy.

I start walking away from the Ice Cream Sea. Not because I’m full, but because my head hurts from trying to answer life’s questions. The ground starts to get sticky and thick. I’ve entered Molasses Swamp. Gloppy is there ready to eat me. And he does. Gloppy is scary as hell. I don’t remember ever finishing a game of Candy Land. Gloppy would usually dissuade me from further play time. Kids don’t like to think about molasses. I don’t even know what molasses is and I’m in my mid-20′s.

I hope you liked my adventures in Candy Land!

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Feelings, Judging

Pet Peeves

I think we all know the answer.

Howdy y’all! Okay sorry never doing that again. I’m pretty sure someone already wrote about pet peeves…and I believe it was my mother. Ew I hate when people refer to their mom and dad as mother and father. It’s so formal that it hurts me. Let’s talk about other things that physically pain me to witness.

  • When waiters/waitresses bring a refill, but don’t take the other glass away. I don’t want 5 glasses around my plate as a constant reminder that my insides are the color of sludge.
  • People who talk to loud in the movie theater. I hate when people talk during the previews, but I won’t say anything until the movie actually starts because usually people stop by then. BUT for those who continue to talk during the show, they’ll most definitely face my fury.
  • Slow drivers. Nuff said.
  • People that get mad when other people don’t recycle. Like, why do you even care? You probably won’t be alive when the world has collapsed due to aluminum cans being thrown in the paper bin.
  • When people can’t use a knife and fork properly. I’m not saying that I have the best manners and belong at the royal dinner table with the Queen, but yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.
  • The women on The View and interrupt-y newscasters. People talking over each other is so insane. If someone is trying to make a point, let them make it. I’m sure you can somehow remember your rebuttal whilst listening to them finish.
  • When people don’t say thank-you, bless you, or you’re welcome. These are just common courtesies. I remember when I moved to Utah, no one said “bless you” after anyone sneezed. I don’t know if it was a Utah thing, or a college thing, but it saddened me that no one wanted to bless my soul.
  • When people don’t wash their work uniform. I can smell you. From here.
  • Ignorant celebrities. How can people who have so much money have no intellect? It pains me so much. I don’t want to say that they’re undeserving of their money, but………
  • When people say “not only that” after you make an awesome point. Like, why do you have to ruin what I just said by adding onto it? Can’t you just agree that I’m right?
  • Homeless people who strike up a conversation. Sorry, but I’m trying my best to ignore you. Last week, one of them asked me where my license plate was from. I told him and he was like, “You’re a long way from home!” Looking back, I should’ve just burst into tears and ran away.
  • Homeless people who think having a dog is a good idea. If you can’t feed yourself, why are you trying to be responsible for another being?
  • When cashiers give you the receipt, bills, and coins all in one bundle. Ugh just separate it so I don’t have to stand there trying it sort it myself. Think of all the time I could save if you just handed me the money first and then the receipt!
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