Animals

Fear Not

I feel very comfortable around animals. All animals. I trust that they won’t bit me or kill me. I might be a little too trusting. Most people believe that animals are purely instinctual and will act out against an unfamiliar person. I think that animals can sense danger and because they have so much instinct, they can sense when someone also means them no harm. LIKE ME!

Ultimate dream.

People blame animals a lot for their own missteps. It’s easy to startle them–especially animals that reside in their natural habitat. I think Steve Irwin is a good example of this behavior. He truly had a love of animals and trusted that they wouldn’t hurt him. Most people think he’s stupid, and while I will admit that he looked kind of stupid, he also had a lot of faith that he wouldn’t get hurt. That’s where the surprise factor comes in. I honestly don’t think stingrays sting people for fun, I think that he startled one and it attacked out of instinct. Steve Irwin wouldn’t want anyone to hate stingrays because they killed him. He probably loves them just as much as he did when he was alive. They have stingrays in heaven, right? At least now Bindi has a chance to shine.

Working her way up to stingrays.

Bethany Hamilton is another good example of the same kind of situation. Except she’s alive, but only has one arm because of a shark attack. If there’s one thing we can learn, it’s that sharks are total douches. I’ve never wanted to test my theory of animals loving me on sharks because it’s too much of a risk. Sharks can’t see that well. So they think anything that moves is a seal. Such good logic. I’ve swam with nurse sharks before. You only live once, right? Recently there was a test performed using a bunch of bikini-clad girls that swam with sharks during feeding time. Nothing happened to them. Maybe sharks don’t like sluts? Hah I’m just bitter because I look gross in a bikini. JK I don’t, but I thought that would make all of you feel like I was a little more human.

Bethany still surfs everyday even though she only has one arm. She was on The Biggest Loser a couple weeks ago when they all went to Hawaii (unfair). She taught everyone how to surf and she didn’t even seem that upset about her arm. And I definitely don’t think she hates sharks.

Siegfried and Roy have a similar story. I kind of hate these guys. Apparently the Siberian tigers that they trained were like their bffs. I have trouble believing that because I’m pretty sure that tigers don’t like Germans. Anyway, one day someone took a picture with an extremely bright flash, setting one of the tigers off. The tiger attacked Roy, but didn’t kill him. This shows that animals should not be taken out of their natural habitat. I’m sure they had a relationship with their trainers and trusted them as well, but once that instinct kicks in, there’s really no hope when it’s man vs. beast.

Epitome of sexy.

One of my favorite stories invovles a lion named Christian. This story only proves my theory of wild animals being able to sense the good in people. If you haven’t seen the video, watch it now. I seriously want a lion best friend because of this clip. If you don’t get shivers from this, you clearly have no soul and you’re not allowed to read my blog anymore.

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Judging, P0wning N3wbs

Spy Games

Spying on people is kind of the best thing ever. It’s like people watching but better because you can watch from the privacy of your own home. You can laugh and point all you want because no one can see you. One of my favorite spying memories is from a hotel in downtown Victoria, B.C. My mom stays in a hotel that has a good view of the harbor so they provide guests with hi-tech binoculars. They’re a never-ending source of entertainment. I’m able to spy on people hundreds of yards away. It’s perfect. I feel like I’m in charge of my own planet of mini people.

What are you really going to find with a magnifying glass? Do they even make those anymore?

Ever since I’ve moved here there’s been apartments being built right outside my window. I spy on the construction workers all the time. I know when they’re slacking off or listening to music. I can even peek inside the apartment windows and see what kind of fake-o granite was picked for the counter tops. There have been a couple of times when I’ve had to use my super stealth moves in order to avoid the gaze of the workers. I’m starting to think that I might be the closest thing to a female version of James Bond.

This really gets me thinking though, what if you saw something that you weren’t supposed to see? Of course I’m thinking of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. The main character, who happens to be in a wheelchair, finds himself dying of boredom and ends up spying on his neighbors. He believes one of them is a murderer and tries to convince his girlfriend (played by Grace Kelly) that he’s not crazy.

Grace Kelly wouldn't date James Stewart in real life FYI.

If I witnessed a murder I don’t really know what I would do. You can’t really call the police. I mean, you could, but what if they couldn’t find anything on the guy (I’m not even going to try to be politically correct. Girls aren’t murderers. Except Casey Anthony. Why hasn’t anyone killed her yet, by the way?) and then the guy knows that you know about his secret. You’re definitely dead after that. So I would probably just sit there and not tell anyone. I mean, what’s a girl to do?

They recently modernized the story of Rear Window. Disturbia is a similar story of a young guy (played by my love, Shia LaBeouf) who’s on house arrest because he beat up one of his teachers. Living the dream, he’s suspended from school and left to his own devices. He spies on all of his neighbors, suspecting one of being a murderer. I really liked this movie. It might have been because of the scene where Shia eats peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon and pours chocolate sauce all over it. That scene made me realize that there are people in the world who are just like me.

I'm sensing a binocular theme...

Have you ever thought about phones being tapped? What if someone listened to all of your conversations? If they listened to mine they would realize that my mom and I can make a conversation about literally anything. Paul and I have our own type of weird language (as you do when you get married) so they wouldn’t be able to understand us without using the Rosetta Stone. The actual Rosetta Stone, not that computer program for people who want to learn Italian in 2 days.

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Feelings

Scary Children’s Stories

My parents introduced me to some weird stuff when I was younger. I love being able to bond with other people from my generation about TV shows, games, and movies that were popular when I was growing up. However, I  have a handful of children’s stories from my childhood that I’m positive none of my friends would understand. Maybe, just maybe, if I share my memories with you, it will shed some light on why I am the way I am.

Let’s start with the weirdest, shall we? My dad bought me the English translation of  a German book called Der Struwwelpeter which was written in 1845–how relevant! Translated, it’s called Shockheaded Peter. It’s a collection of short stories about naughty kids who all get what they deserve…in a way. One of my favorites was about a boy who kept sucking his thumbs even after he was told not to over and over by his mother. This scary man comes to the boy’s house one day and cuts off his thumbs to teach him a lesson. As a child/pre-teen, I felt like this was an appropriate punishment (as long as it didn’t happen to me). Was I a Nazi in my past life?

Where did that man find those giant scissors?

One of my other favorite stories in this book is about a little girl who plays with matches and accidentally lights herself on fire. Oops. That’s what you get for being a pyro. The illustration is the best part of this story–I love the cat’s tears flowing into her ashes. Moral of the story, Germans are crazy as hell.

Stop drop and roll, foolio.

And then there’s Edward Gorey. I’ve touched on him before, but not in detail. His work is a little more well-known than Heinrich Hoffmann’s–the author of Der Struwwelpeter. One of my favorite Edward Gorey pieces is called The Ghastlycrumb Tinies which is essentially an alphabet book using children’s names and different ways to die. Some are pretty tame. For example, “A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.” That doesn’t seem like such a bad way to go. But others like, “K is for Kate who was struck with an axe” or “R is for Rhonda consumed by a fire” are slightly haunting.

RIP Kate.

Another brilliant story by Edward Gorey is called The Hapless Child. The main character of the story’s father dies at war. Her mother dies of depression shortly after, leaving the child with her uncle. He sends her to boarding school where she is teased endlessly. She runs away and is kidnapped by this guy who keeps her in a basement and forces her to make paper flowers in a dimly lit room. She starts to starve and go blind. Eventually she escapes, but because of her lack of sight, she couldn’t see and gets run over by a car. Her father actually wasn’t dead and it was his driver who ran her over. He looked at her, but didn’t recognize the child because she was so changed. So she died on the street. Such a great story for a kid to read! So uplifting and light!

Seems like cozy quarters.

And lastly, a quick touch on The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy written by Tim Burton. We all know who Tim Burton is. And if you don’t know who Tim Burton is, I refuse to make an attempt to describe him. And Helena Bonham Carter for that matter. The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy is a collection of short stories and poems. It’s not as scarring as the others, but this poem always stuck with me along with the illustration. I wonder why?

The Boy with Nails in His Eyes

The boy with nails in his eyes

Put up his aluminum tree.

It looked pretty strange

Because he couldn’t really see.

Ummm more importantly, how is he still alive and celebrating Christmas?

Good news is, half of us are probably better at writing poems than Tim Burton.

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Animals, Surroundings

Merfolk

I don’t know about you guys, but I like to think that mythical creatures used to and still do exist. My grandma passed down a book to me (or my mom…I don’t really remember. My mom and I are pretty interchangeable anyway) simply titled Faeries. It has every folkloric creature that you could find in nature. Some of the best creatures, in my opinion, are Mermaids.

Every child’s first introduction to mermaids should be through the movie, The Little Mermaid. I’ll be the first to admit that Ariel is kind of retarded. First of all she’s a ginger. And I mean that in the worst possible way. She’s a flaming, fire engine red, ginger. She likes adventure, but she gives her voice away in return for legs. Umm that’s a really bad trade. Although, Ursula’s song is very convincing. “And don’t underestimate the importance of BODY LANGUAGE.” Wtf is Ursula anyway? She’s like half octopus half lesbian? I also love Ariel’s thought process: “If I become human, I’ll never be with my father or sisters again…” cut to her signing the scroll. Wow, you must have really loved your family.

A ginger wearing pink. Really, Disney?

Onto more realistic mermaids. The movie Splash really opened my eyes to what mermaids are really like–They save people from drowning, they can teach themselves English incredibly quickly, and they have the power to give themselves legs whenever they want. Did you know all it takes is a little iodized salt to change them back, too?! The things you learn. Basically everything in The Little Mermaid is a lie.  One of Ariel’s best friends is Sebastian the crab, yet Madison plows into a lobster like it’s her favorite meal. Hmmm. It seems like being naked on the beach is the only consistency between these two gals.

Is there any way you can avoid rolling in all that seaweed?

It wasn’t until later in life that I realized that mermaids aren’t at all like how they’ve been portrayed on the big screen. Some mermaids are indeed helpful and kind to sailors, but many had tempers and would specifically target men traveling across the sea. People often confuse mermaids with Sirens who were also women that would lure sailors from their ships hoping to kill them. Mermaids have been around forever–since 1000 B.C. Some were even recorded to be 2,000 feet long. I feel like ancient record keepers over exaggerated a lot.

At least she’s not using a fork to comb her hair. Or is she?

OMG wait. This just in: “Claimed sightings of dead or living mermaids have come from places as diverse as Java and British Columbia. There are two Canadian reports from the area of Vancouver and Victoria, one from sometime between 1870 and 1890, the other from 1967.” AHHHHH. BRB going mermaid spotting.

Other mermaids have been portrayed in movies like Pirates of the Caribbean 10 (there’s been 10 of those movies, right?). Mermaid tears are needed to open a secret door. Apparently mermaid tears are rare because they’re such biatches.

Skanks and hos.

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Feelings

Lily in England Part Deux

This will be the obvious second installment of Lily in England. Too many observations, too much judging. One post simply cannot handle it all!

Entertainment:

The thing that really bothered me the most about living in England was that I felt like I was cut off from the rest of the world. Movies would come out months later than in the states. I would find myself having to wait for films that I was desperate to see, meanwhile they were old news back home. Canterbury one had one theater and it only had 2 screens! What kind of 3rd world BS is that? Just not acceptable!

Futbol, “footy”, soccer, whatever you want to call it–it’s taking over England. I don’t get it. It’s just people kicking a ball around. But every night the pubs would be full of men watching, cheering, and passing out. Am I missing something? Speaking of drinking, it’s disturbing how much people drink there. At first I thought it was all fun and games, but seriously England, take a look at yourself. I don’t think anyone knows what alcoholism is there. It just doesn’t exist. People actually looked at me funny when I told them that someone I knew was an alcoholic. Every morning I would see puke and broken bottles on the cobblestone.

Pub culture is an important part of life. Once a week there would be a “pub quiz” which is just a string of trivia questions for groups of people that come to the pub. It’s costs money to play, and whichever team wins, wins all the money. It’s pretty fun, but I never won :(

Dancing at the clubs was always an adventure. A lot of people didn’t make it as far as the clubs though–most ended up collapsed on the sidewalk. Baa Bars (one of Canterbury’s finest) was 3 levels. The bottom level would play alt-rock, the middle floor was rap and the third floor was what they would call “cheese”. I’ve come to understand that cheese is pop music, but I guess, only the cheesy songs? I mean, they played S Club 7 sooo my assumption is probably not far off.

I took this picture myself, actually. Just a normal night.

Style (Or lack thereof):

England had possibly some of the worst dressed people I have ever seen. I’m not a fashion goddess by any means, but come on people! Whoever said that London is 10 years ahead of the US in terms of fashion must have been taking crazy pills. I mostly hung around the cool, savvy chicks that went to my college, but there were a lot of people in Canters and London that seemed to not have the slightest clue how to dress. One scary trend that I noticed for guys was gelled up hair, and combed down bangs (or fringe). In what way is that cute?

I can't even.

Stores would close at 5pm every night. Except Thursday, when stores would stay open EXTRA LATE until 7pm. Like, is this some kind of sick joke? Night shopping is one of my favorite activities. Stores should always be open until at least 9pm!

Chavs:

Chavs chavs omg chavs. Chavs are the U.K.’s equivalent to what we would call wanksters. They’re usually wearing Adidas tracksuits, missing some teeth, smoking and drinking simultaneously, and pushing a stroller, or walking a Rottweiler.  They wear a lot of knockoffs, which unfortunately stopped me from sporting Burberry. It’s tragic, really. These people scare me a lot and would always come up and talk to me for some reason. They are definitely a colorful type of people.

Lady Sovereign is a perfect chav. Sporty Spice also is a good one. She should have been Chavvy Spice.

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Judging

Lily in England Part 1

Now that Lily in Canada is such a popular place for people to hang out online, I sort of regret the fact that I didn’t start blogging sooner. I lived in England for three years of my life and those three short years were full of ridiculous experiences and people. I’m going to fill you in on some of the weird stuff that I observed whilst on the other side of the pond. Many thanks to Mooselicker for this brilliant idea!

I’m going to break this up into categories because it’s just better that way. Also, the list goes on and on, these are just a handful of the oddities.

Sayings:

There was definitely a language barrier. I understood every word, but I often had trouble responding. If I passed people on the streets they would quickly say “youalright?” and then walk away. Apparently the proper response is saying “youalright?” right back. I could not, for the love of all that is holy, train my brain to do that. I would start saying “Yeah, I’m good, how are you?” and they would be down the street by the time I finished. I guess having a conversation is weird? Maybe just say “hi” instead of asking me if I’m alright. Because if you ask me a question and it’s pertaining to my life, I’m sure as hell going to answer it.

The name of the club that we would go to in Canterbury was called Baa Bars. No joke. Too many times I was asked the question, “You goin’ Baa Bars?” I couldn’t help smiling every time. First of all, Baa Bars. Second of all, “you goin’”, not “are you going to.” It was just all so weird.

By the way, Baa Bars was located in what seems to be an old factory...?

Their spelling is all wrong. They have unnecessary letters thrown into words. For example, program is programme. They also spell words like they’re living in the 16th century. Tire is tyre. Center is centre. Gross.

They would also pretend that they didn’t know what I was saying. Like if I said, “Ugh I’m so tired of school.” My friends would reply, “We don’t go to school, we go to uni.” Okay, everything is school. University is a type of school. Or if I said, “Have you studied for finals at all?” they would respond, “You mean exams.” OH SORRY. YES. EXAMS.

Food:

England is really missing out on a lot of great food. They do have something called Pork Faggots though. No joke. On the back of the box it says, “For all Faggot-loving families.” Ummmhghhhh. That just shouldn’t be allowed.

More importantly, WHICH West Country?

I find it weird that everyone drinks tea there. Like, everyone likes it. A common question is “You wanna cuppa?” This translates to “Would you like a cup of tea?” They also eat a lot of beans, which makes me uneasy. And don’t forget about spotted dick.

They do have some redeeming foods though. Indian food in England is melt-in-your-mouth delicious. Roast Dinners were also something of a delight. Roasts were usually at pubs on Sunday nights. They give you all the fixin’s–vegetables, potatoes, chicken (or beef or lamb), Yorkshire puddings, and loads of gravy. It’s like Thanksgiving every Sunday night. And you’re in a pub.

Stay tuned for part 2. Unless you already feel like throwing up.

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Feelings

The Easy Life

You know what I’ve always wanted to be? A damsel in distress. Or someone held captive against their will and needed saving. I don’t know why that scenario is so attractive to me, it just is. Maybe since I’m so tall, the thought of someone picking me up and throwing me over their shoulder seems impossible unless they’re Paul Bunyan.

Being tied to a pole always seems like a good situation. Take Wendy from Peter Pan, she was tied up on that ship and she couldn’t do anything. She just had to wait for someone to save her. MUST BE NICE. Most people would either have to find a way out, or accept the fact that they would eventually walk the plank. Granted, Peter Pan would be the last person that I would want to save me. He’s like 10.

Seems like the only thing that Wendy is good at is being tied up.

Speaking of pirates, I always thought that being a female pirate would be kind of cool. You would seem really hard core, be like one of the guys. Pirates are just cool. Is there any way I can go and force pirates to kidnap me?

Being a sacrifice also seems like fun–obviously ending up being saved and not dead. Kind of like in The Clash of the Titans where Andromeda is sacrificed to that sea creature. The original COTT was made around the time when they were experimenting with special effects…so the effect of the movie is…special. Both Andromeda’s are pretty, helpless, and hanging by their arms which seems super uncomfortable. But worth it.

2010 Andromeda. Lookin' fly.

1981 Andromeda. Just chillin'.

Another great helpless woman is Willie Scott in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. She almost meets a grisly fate until Indy and Shorty save her. Being thrust into a pit of lava is so not cute. I mean, I would be up for it if someone saved me.

Not a good look, Willie.

Until then, I’m going to wait around to be kidnapped. Do you think it still counts if you don’t put up a fight? Would the kidnapper even want you? Things to ponder…

 

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Favorites

Spring Favorites

Remember when I used to do these favorites lists? No? Well then you better go back and read every post I’ve ever written. They’re basically lists of my favorite things of the season. Think of it as me helping you figure out what to be interested in.

1. The color turquoise. It seems like everyone has been into this color lately. I’m not trying to brag or be weird or anything, but I’m pretty sure I started it. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I invented the color turquoise. I would be completely comfortable in a house that was doused in the color.

So calming!

2. Peanut butter. Ohmigosh you guys. Clearly I didn’t eat enough peanut butter growing up because I’ve been making up for it within the past 2 months. Peanut butter on toast is so good. Especially if you spread the peanut butter on the toast when it’s still hot because then it gets all melty…brb.

3. The Hunger Games movie. I know it hasn’t been released to the public yet, but I already know it’s one of my favorites. I read the book and I’m just really excited. Has anyone else read the book? Is anyone else dragging their significant other (or being dragged by their significant other) to go see it?

4. Cooking. I never thought I would actually like preparing food, but it’s actually kind of fun! I mean, I mess things up a lot, but I make a lot of good stuff too! I don’t have a blender or an electric mixer, so I’m limited in some aspects, but I’m still learning. I made a really good chicken and zucchini pesto pasta the other day. I was so proud!

5. Spa treatments. I can’t really say that I’m getting a lot of them, or any, but they’re still my favorites. There’s nothing better than having someone rub your shoulders or putting stuff on your face or getting your nails painted. I even like getting my eyebrows waxed. Spring time is usually when I start pampering myself because lets face it, I hibernate during the entire winter.

I love when people paint my face.

6. Working out. Spring time is when society is supposed to get in shape for summer. I need to do this. My sister in law is running a 10k and while I imagine that I can do it too, I just know I’ll fail miserably and end up walking the last 8k. Should I sign up? It’s like 40 bucks which sucks, but I get a t-shirt!

7. Passion Tea Lemonade. Starbucks doesn’t have a lot of cold drinks that I like. I usually take a break from Starb during the warmer months. However, I do love passion tea lemonades. They are yum. I suggest you give one a try. Plus, they’re magenta colored which is kind of cool.

So refresh fresh!

8. Camping. I really want to go camping for some reason. If you know me, you might think I’m on some sort of drug for saying that. But in all seriousness, I haven’t gone camping since the summer before my senior year of high school! I think it’s about time. Plus it would be so blog worthy. I would take pictures and everything!

Thoughts? What are some of your favorites this month?

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TV

My Predictions For The New Season of Mad Men

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with AMC’s hit show Mad Men, but if you’re not, it’s about time to jump on the old bandwagon. Mad Men is definitely not my favorite show, however, I am not going to deny it’s sparks of greatness. This is how I think Season 5 is going to play out. There are going to be tons of spoilers, especially if my predictions are right.

1. Don Draper is going to cancel his wedding to that French Canadian chick with the freaky mouth. There’s no way he’s gonna get married. Don needs to live on his own and keep slutting it up with everyone in the office. I guess that only leaves Peggy though. And Peggy ain’t no slut. Except for that one time when she got pregnant.

2. Pete Campbell dies after being pushed off a building. Everyone in the show will eventually realize how annoying and pig-faced Pete is. Someone is bound to throw him down a sewer drain or in front of a train. He’s not even one of the partners in Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and they practically put every name possible in their business. Plus I’m so sick of seeing those creepy African animal drawings in his apartment.

Sorry 60's, but this is not art.

3. Salvatore comes back and makes Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce millions. They realize that he’s the only reason why their ads are great so they re-name the company Salvatore & Co. Salvatore ends up firing Cooper and Pryce because no one cares about them. And because one of them is old and the other is English.

4. Betty Draper gets lung cancer and dies. I mean, she smokes a lot. And she’s abusive to her kids. It’s not like anyone would miss her. Sally, Bobby, and baby Gene would go live with Don in his bachelor pad and that one artist lady would teach them how to paint and sell their work on the streets. The kids would eventually run away because, lets face it, no one likes painting. They would grow up to be the Boxcar Children from those books. Sally could have amounted to so much more.

5. Peggy eventually becomes a pot head beatnik and no one cares. She’s becoming too liberated and good at her job. The pot destroys her life and she ends up asking Salvatore to marry her. Salvatore tells her he’s gay and she says that’s okay.

6. Joanie and Roger Sterling have their baby. Joanie lets the baby use the pen that she always has around her neck as a teething device. He almost chokes to death and Joanie is arrested and spends the rest of the show in a woman’s prison. Roger is forced to take care of the child. It kind of resembles the plot of Charlie Chaplin’s The Kid, but it’s not funny, and the kid is really ugly because he inherited Joanie’s teeth. Oh and Joanie’s husband dies in the war or whatever.

What do you guys think? I might have gotten carried away, but I think there’s a chance of all this happening in once season. What are your predictions?

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Holidays

St. Patrick’s Day: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I would say, “Kiss me, I’m Irish!” But I’m actually Irish and I don’t want to be kissed by any of you. No offense. I decided to highlight some of my favorite things about St. Patty’s day and some of my least favorite things that remotely relate to Ireland.

The Good:

Wearing green. I actually look really great in green so today happens to make my beauty a focal point. I joke, I joke. But in all seriousness, it really brings people together when everyone is wearing the same color. It makes you feel like you’re a part of something, because, lets face it, none of us are really a part of anything. We’re just floating around in life. Wearing green gives us something to do. And it shows that you made a conscious effort to dress up for a weird holiday. I really like the idea of punching people that don’t wear green. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Or did I make that up because that’s what I actually want to do.

The Disney movie The Luck of the Irish. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with this, but this movie made a mark on my childhood. It’s incredibly cheesy. This is how IMDB.com describes it: “A teenager must battle for a gold charm to keep his family from being controlled by an evil leprechaun.” Obviously the story is more complex than that. The teenager, Kyle, starts turning into a leprechaun after the family’s luck starts disappearing. His mom starts turning into a leprechaun too. Some other stuff happens. Kyle’s grandpa’s name is Reilly O’Reilly which is my favorite name ever next to the bad guy’s name which is Seamus McTiernen. I remember forcing my dad to watch this movie all the while he was probably wondering how his child grew up to be a semi-retarded pre-teen. But I think he secretly liked it. I still have it on VHS if anyone wants to borrow it.

Oh, and Kyle plays basketball and eventually beats the evil leprechaun in a nail-biting game.

The Bad:

Shamrock Shakes. No, McDonald’s. NO. No one like’s mint flavored shakes. Don’t bring them back. Think of a different green item to serve us. Green eggs and ham perhaps? Green sausage patties would even be acceptable. But Shamrock Shakes are just gross and weird. Plus, there aren’t even any shamrocks in the recipe. That’s so misleading. And while you’re at it, get rid of that Egg Nog crap you sell around Christmas. No one likes that.

St. Patty’s Day not being an actual holiday. What I mean by that is, no one gets off school or work for St. Patrick’s day. Apparently, St. Patrick banished all snakes from Ireland. What a legend. I would love to banish a species, especially a gross one like snakes. Patty knew what was up. And now we celebrate him. You know how people say to keep Christ in Christmas? Well maybe more people should keep St. Patrick in St. Patrick’s Day. Just let that one sink in for a bit. If it’s going to be a true holiday, then let’s not do anything. PLEASE. Who can I talk to about this?

No one mentioned that St. Patrick was a giant. HE'S HOLDING A CHURCH.

The Ugly:

Bono. How can I get him to just go away forever?

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