P0wning N3wbs, School

Be Cool

During my precious pre-teen years, I realized that sometimes cheating, being dishonest, and manipulating situations made you “cool”. When we’re young our parents teach us to be honest and obedient, but that literally gets you no where in the eyes of your peers. You have to lie, not get caught, and be cool.

As early as middle school, I remember teachers assigning homework and then asking our class the next day if they had given us homework. Our class would all kind of look around and shake our heads, nope…I don’t seem to remember any homework being assigned. But there would always be one kid, and all it takes is ONE kid, saying “Yeah, we did guys! All the problems on page 75!” And then everyone glares at them and then they never have any friends ever again. That’s just the way it works.

One time (and thankfully the only time) my family went to visit my cousins who live in Minnesota. Even at the ripe age of 7 I knew that Minnesota sucked. During dinner one night, my cousins and I were throwing rocks in a parking lot. I, of course, hit a car with my rock because I have such a great throwing arm. My cousins freaked out and said they were going to tell my parents. Ummm DUDE. Shouldn’t we have some secret cousin pact where we don’t tell on each other? Nope. They told on me and I haven’t spoken to them since. I wish I was kidding.

You're killin' me, Smalls.

Manipulating teachers is definitely the trickiest situation. It usually works in PE because gym teachers have the same IQ as a Kardashian. It all depends on timing. You actually have to suffer first to make this work. Wait for a strenuous gym day, like running the mile. Everyone hates that unit. A mile isn’t very long, but in high school it is. Except for cross country weirdos. After you run the mile, you definitely deserve a break. The next day, tell the teacher that they promised the class would play dodge ball after running yesterday. They’ll question you for a bit, but just stand strong–You’ll be playing dodge ball in no time. Once you’ve conquered gym teachers, you can pretty much control anyone.

Life lessons brought to you by Lily.

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Feelings, P0wning N3wbs

Schadenfreude

No, I didn’t just make up that word. But I think the person that did was my soul mate. Schadenfreude is a German word meaning pleasure derived in the misfortune of others. I have this. This would be my diagnosis from most doctors. And then they would kick me out of their office and tell me that I’m going to hell in every religion.

To be clear, I don’t like when bad things happen to good people. Well, not to confuse anyone, but I don’t think there’s such thing as good and bad people. I think everyone is a good person. But I think life choices and circumstances make good people do bad things. Lot’s of bad things happen to undeserving people. But such is life. We should take those bad things and use them to make ourselves stronger, not to use them as a handicap or a “woe is me” excuse.

One time when I was flying to London, I sat next to a guy on the airplane who was in a wheel chair. We started talking and he mentioned about how he hadn’t always been in a wheel chair. Being the nosy biatch that I am, I inquired more. He told me that he was riding his motorcycle and that he got in an accident on the highway. He used to run marathons. He was so kind and had such a good outlook on life. He still competes in marathons, but now he wheels instead of runs. He was actually going to race in the London marathon. As cheesy as this sounds, he made me want to be a better person.

But I’m not. Moving on…

Karma is my favorite thing. I’m a fan of both bad karma and good karma. I know that life isn’t fair, but I like to think that justice is always served and that good deeds always get rewarded. Is there a place where that happens? Because I want to move there.

I can’t help but laugh when someone’s being super annoying and then they trip and fall when they walk away. This happens to Kim Kardashian A LOT.  That’s instant karma. And it’s gonna get you. John Lennon clearly only writes about pressing issues. Like being a walrus.

Why is Yoko blindly knitting in the background of the Instant Karma video? She's the devil.

Good karma is all fine and dandy, but bad karma is much more entertaining. I remember in 7th grade I left my Hello Kitty wallet in an Abercrombie and Fitch dressing room. Looking back, this was a horrible situation. Why did I think I could pass as an Asian girl by owning anything Hello Kitty, and believing that I could fit into Abercrombie and Fitch?  When I went back to get it, all of my money had been stolen, including a gift card to Target. But they clearly had good taste and left my wallet behind. My mom told me that the person that stole my money would end up having bad karma. That made me feel good.

Wait…what if my money being stolen was my own bad karma from doing something bad. Brb–re-evaluating my life.

 

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Music

Forever Traumatized

I’m a fan of scary movies. Granted, I’m always the one in the theater with my feet up on the seat, hiding behind my knees and whispering to the person next to me “Tell me when it’s over.” Afterwards, I go home and run as fast as I can to my bed because I don’t want any murders to get me. We all know blankets are the best form of protection. No one’s gonna get me if I’m safe in my bed! So realistic.

It’s funny because I can watch really gross stuff, but some of the most tame things can frighten me. Every now and then certain scenes from movies or TV shows will register with me in such a negative way that I won’t be able to ever erase them from my memory. A lot of the time they aren’t even scary. They’re just super bizarre and my brain can’t take it.

I’m going to share some music videos that have slightly disturbed me over the years. Laugh all you want, but just know that my dreams are being haunted.

Don’t Come Around Here No More – Tom Petty. This is a great song. But I simply cannot deal with a real life Alice in Wonderland turning into cake and being eaten by a Mad Hatter Tom Petty. In no way is that right. Tom Petty’s face is scary enough already. But when he’s in an oversize outfit and drinking an abnormally large tea, I just feel uncomfortable.

Land of Confusion – Genesis. Everything about this makes me want to throw up on Genesis. Why would they put these images in my head? First of all, puppets are scary as hell. Just no. The only thing I can stand puppets in is the movie The Labyrinth. Only because David Bowie’s greatness (barely) negates the atrocity of using puppets as actors. The only thing worse than one puppet, is hundreds of puppets. And that’s basically what Land of Confusion is–a lot of puppets. Which genius thought of that idea? A world full of puppets is what I imagine hell to be like. Jim Henson is clearly messed up and has absolutely no friends. Jason Segel is unfortunately following in his footsteps. I thought there was hope for him. But nope. He’s doing weird Muppet movies, so now he’s on my list of questionable people.

Tonight Tonight – The Smashing Pumpkins. There are things about this music video that I appreciate. I love the song. I also like that they’re paying homage to one of the first movies ever made, A Trip to the Moon (1902). Yeah, that’s right, I took Film Crit. The moon in both the movie and the music video is one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Hands down. A blurry, old-fashioned Billy Corgan and crew play their instruments lethargically in the night sky, outlined by stars. There is honestly no other way to describe it.

The lead couple in the video journey to the moon and are attacked by moon imps. They end up  jumping to the bottom of the ocean where they’re attacked by a fish and eventually saved by Poseidon (or Neptune if you’re Roman). The whole thing is just too much for me to handle during this delicate stage in my life.

I’m sure there are an insane amount of creepy music videos. But these really make me cry inside. Has anything that you’ve seen freaked you out lately?

 

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P0wning N3wbs

Laundry Problems

Not our laundry room, but still absolutely terrifying.

There’s bound to be some drama when you have to share one washing machine and one drier with an entire apartment building. I’m pretty sure there’s a book about laundry room etiquette, but if there’s not, I’m going to write one now.

One Sunday night Paul and I were waiting for the washing machine to free up. Sunday night is definitely the most popular laundry night. Once the washer stopped, we took out the person’s clothes and put them on top of the washer. Usually I hate doing this. I hate when someone else removes my clothes. But it’s understandable if someone needs to get their laundry done. You should be there on time. So we put our clothes in and as we were leaving we saw a guy coming down with a load of laundry. I assumed that he figured that he was going to be next in line, but nope! Sorry suckaa.

When we went back down to put our stuff in the drier, that guy was waiting for us. His clothes were the ones we took out. He was trying to do two loads-one right after the other. AW HELL NAW. He reprimanded us and lectured us about how we should wait 20 minutes for someone to claim their laundry and put in another load if they want to. His logic was if you have a load of laundry in a machine, you basically own the machine. I think Paul was ready to punch him in the face. We actually said sorry and the guy still wouldn’t let go. So he’s a fun neighbor.

The laundry room gives me the creeps. It’s in the basement, it’s dark, has cement floors, and it’s surrounded by a maze of storage units. Rape central. I actually just filmed a video to show what it’s like, but I don’t like the sound of my voice recorded. Plus it sounds like I have a speech impediment. I SWEAR I DON’T.

The thing the scares the most about our laundry room is that there’s tons of space to hang your clothes to dry. Umm what? Who does that? It seems so archaic. Plus, my clothes would be stolen immediately because they’re so awesome.

Why do people hang their clothes to dry when there are driers around? Why are laundry rooms and basements so scary? What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?

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Exercise

The Biggest Loser

There is nothing I love more than watching morbidly obese people exercise and get yelled at. I didn’t realize that I liked this so much until I started watching The Biggest Loser.

What I like about the show even more than watching the contestants battle to lose the most weight, are the coaches, Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels. Jillian isn’t actually on the show anymore. RIP Jillian. I mean, she didn’t technically die, but she’s dead to me now that she quit the show. She was my favorite coach because she would literally scream at the people on her team. She would make them cry. I have purchased all of her workout dvds in hopes that she would help me cry my way into weight loss. But nope. Her wizardry didn’t work on me. I must be too tough. Maybe I should join the army?

I'm going to army, mother.

The other coach, aka the love of my life, is Bob. His workout dvd’s actually made me sore. Hard core workout. But he used respect and kind words. Love conquers all, guys.

This season is really dramatic. There’s this ultimate biatch named Conda (I know) and she bothers me so much because she’s the biggest complainer of all time. And then she’ll act like she’s the best team member. She pisses me off a lot because she’s a loud and angry all the time. I hate that. That’s the exact reason why I’ll never live in New York. Isn’t everyone loud and angry there? She should just be grateful that she’s on the show. Hell, I want to be on the show. But even at my highest weight they wouldn’t accept me. So shut up CONDA.

I’ll just continue to sit on my couch and talk at the TV while stuffing my face with chips. I’ve actually thought about gaining an immense amount of weight just so I could go on the show and transform my body. Such a normal thought process.

This could be my future.

 

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Music, P0wning N3wbs

Giving Up and Giving In

My brosef and I discovering things. I'm the one with the cool helmet, obvs.

My brother and I have always liked to be the first to “discover” something. Whether it’s a new band, a movie, or a website, we want to be the first ones to know about it. Kind of like hipsters, I guess. The best part of being the first one to discover something is telling everyone you know about your new found source of entertainment. The worst part is when someone doesn’t site you as their main source.

For example, one time I told my brother about a song that I thought he would like. He listened to it and said that he hated it. A month later he put that song on one of his cds.

Me: I thought you hated this song.

Bro: Nope.

Me: Umm do you remember me playing it for you?

Bro: Nope.

Me: Well I did and you said you hated it. I showed it to you first.

Bro: Fine. I shower you with credit.

Getting credit is the ultimate goal. Most of our convos follow this same pattern. Me being excited by something, him not being excited by it, me getting frustrated, and then him making me laugh.

However, if I’m not the first to discover something, I don’t like to give into it. I wasn’t the first person I knew to get an iPhone, so I never got one. Now it feels too late to get one. Everyone has all these cool apps on their iPhone. I want to give in and get one, but nope. Not for me.

I tried to start reading Harry Potter after the movie came out and it just didn’t feel right. Tons of people had already read the book. I don’t want to be one of the stragglers, I want to be one of the founders! So I gave up on that too.

Just recently I have started to give in. I inherited an iPad. I feel like such a n00b when I use it. It’s fun playing Words With Friends and Temple Run (my high score is 1,400,000 just sayin’) but I can’t help feeling like I jumped on the bandwagon too late. What a follower.

I also started reading The Hunger Games. I don’t usually like to read books found in the teen section of Barnes & Noble, but it’s just so popular. I keep hearing how addictive it is so I’m just like UH OKAY FINE. So I’m reading it, and yes, it’s addicting. Plus I wanted to read it before the movie comes out so I can be one of those people who spots all the differences from the book and gets mad at the director.

Lastly, is Pinterest. Pinterest.com is like crack for women. It’s basically a virtual bulletin board of dreams. As gay as that sounds. I had heard people talking about it over and over so eventually, I gave in. And it’s everything I wished for and more.

I feel like I’m losing my cool factor. I haven’t been discovering any sweet new stuff recently. I’m just going to keep blaming it on Canada and try to move on.

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Feelings

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

I feel like I’m a pretty capable person. I figure things out quickly and I like being independent. However, there are plenty of things that I haven’t figured out yet. Things that only adults should know how to do. I guess I’m an adult now. Technically I’ve been an adult for 6 years now. Barf.

Throughout my years, I have had parents who’ve helped me with everything. I don’t usually ask for their help, but it’s gotten to the point where it just goes without saying that they’ll set up my flight info, or make sure my bank account is okay. Now that I’m married, they don’t have to do that much stuff for me. Well, they still take care of a lot of things for me, but not as much.

In high school I remembered having friends who had to pay for their cell phone bill. That always freaked me out. I wouldn’t have known what to do with a bill if it was handed to me. I still don’t.

Now my husband takes care of a lot of stuff at work, so I don’t even get to see how it’s done. I know bills involve sending money. THAT MUCH I KNOW. If you haven’t guessed by now, this is the blog where you find out how truly retarded I am. The Game of Life even scares me a little bit. Having to deal with school loans and buying a house causes too much anxiety for what should be a fun-filled game.

I think I know how insurance works, but whenever I go to the doctor they ask me a million( yes, a million) questions about what insurance I have and did I know that my insurance covers only this much, and stuff like that. So complicated!

I literally have no idea what the words mortgage and equity mean.

Taxes also seem scary. People keep telling me that I should be filing a blank tax return even if I don’t work. That kind of freaks me out because first of all, where do I get a tax return? Second of all, where do I file it? From now on I’ll just pretend I’m interested when people tell me things like this and then, hopefully,  erase all knowledge of it.

How does everyone figure stuff out? Experience? Practice? Not being so retarded? I guess I’ll just keep wondering. Ignorance is bliss, really.

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