Driving, Exercise

Fifa Street references Vancouver

My first true love. With an 8-pack.

I was browsing through various news stories the other day and something caught my eye: “Fifa Street references Vancouver.” Immediately I thought that this must be something special since it was in the news. Maybe this was the first time that Canada has ever been cool enough to be in a video game that didn’t include fur trapping.

Unfortunately, the article mostly dealt with the fact that there were no female avatars in the game. Apparently it’s because

the added cost to shape [women's] bodies and model movement and clothing is costly and didn’t provide enough return on investment.

This would probably upset a lot of female rights activists, lesbians, or just annoying women. But I couldn’t care less. I’m what you would call an anti-feminist. I think women shouldn’t have to make a living outside of the household. And I definitely do not agree with that “anything you can do, I can do better” mentality. That’s probably the farthest thing from the truth. Unless you have some sort of disability. Because if that’s the case, I will totally destroy you.

I think we all know the real reason why the bros at EA Sports haven’t made female players–girls are bad at sports. No guy would pick the girl player. Most girls don’t even pick the girl player. For example, when I play Crazy Taxi, I always pick Axel. The game includes one girl character and I don’t think anyone has ever used her. Why? Because the objective is to drive fast and not get into accidents. Axel will always deliver. Plus, he has green hair.

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Exercise

Lumberjack Competition

What a manly sport.

I wish that I was making this up. Yesterday I was on my computer while Paul was looking at the different sports that were on  TV. I looked up from all of the super important stuff that I was doing and I glanced at the screen. I read Football, Soccer, Rugby, Soccer, Lumberjack Competition, Soccer. What. What. What is that.

We turned it on for a bit. Its basically Canadians, Australians and Kiwis putting nicks in wooden poles, inserting a plank into the groove they created, standing on the inserted plank, and repeating the process. As J’amie King would say, “It’s so random!” If you don’t know who that is, I suggest you watch Summer Heights High RIGHT NOW.

Ahhh this one has some quality background music.

I think Lumberjack Competitions are my new favorite “sport” to watch. It’s kind of like a Strong Man Competition without people named Magnus ver Magnusson. But it’s also kind of like that Ninja Warrior show because the competitors really have to possess a set of sweet skills. By the way, if you’ve never watched a Strong Man Competition or Ninja Warrior, what are you doing with your life?

In conclusion, the Lumberjack Competitish is a smart idea. I think it’s a great way to celebrate Canada’s roots and heritage. They should be proud of the one skill that they have been blessed with. As for the Australians and Kiwis–You’re better than that.

 

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living in canada, P0wning N3wbs

Going green. Another reason for me to hate everyone.

Is this some kind of secret black magic coding?

Ever since I can remember, I have hated recycling. I know its good for the earth and it makes it better for future generations, but I just hate it. I especially hate the people that live for it.

Let’s be clear. I’m not one of those people who throws trash out my car window without batting an eye. I will only throw out biodegradable things. I just like to have one trash can for everything. I also hear that recycling is expensive. And I’m all for extra money. Its just so much more work to sort things, or to remember to put boxes in one bin and cans in another. My husband likes to recycle our cans because the government gives us money back. And by money, I mean 4 bucks.  But whatever. As Tesco says, “every little helps!” I like to say that in my Bert from Mary Poppins accent. Aka the worst cockney of all time.

I failed biology my freshman year of college. Mind you, I got A’s and B’s in everything else. I am convinced that I failed because my teacher made us take this online quiz to measure out carbon footprints. Let’s just say…mine was the biggest.

Anyway, Canadians are super into going green and all that jazz. During the first week we were moving in, I had a lot of boxes from all of my stuff from home that I had sent here. And, like a true Canadian, I put the boxes in the paper and cardboard box. One day, when I was bringing another box inside, a man in my building stopped me and asked, “Did you put all of your boxes in the dumpster?” I said yes, looking down at my box that was identical to the ones I threw out. OBVIOUSLY. Then he said, “You need to break up your boxes because you didn’t leave any room for me in the dumpster. I had to break them up to make room.” What I should have said was, “Oh, poor you. I’m sure that really ruined your day. Shut up and get out of my doorway before I punch you, and your Lord of the Rings shirt in the face.” Instead I said, “Oh! Okay. Sorry about that.” Like a total n3wb.

So basically, even when I try to recycle, I do it wrong. See, what that guy really did was discourage me from ever recycling again. Its his loss, not mine.

Final note: Nothing disgusts me more than compost piles.

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living in canada

Searching for a life up north? Look no further.

I assume a lot of you are interested in moving to Canada after the wonderful visual I’ve blogged for you. I went out of my way to look up some real estate to save you the trouble of hunting for your perfect Canadian home. You can thank me later…or now.

Who wouldn’t want to live in Nova Scotia (answer: everyone)? What if I sweetened the deal and told you that there are vacation houses in that frigid wasteland. Wouldn’t you want to drop whatever you were doing and pick up some highly coveted property? Imagine, while all your friends were trying to decide where to take their summer vacations, you wouldn’t have to stress! Oh geeze, I’m already set–my family has a place in Nova Scotia.

Luxurious!

If Nova Scotia isn’t the place for you (can you really afford to be picky in times like these?), then you’re in luck!  I found one more property before I felt queasy.

On beautiful Lake Memphremagog there is a former fisherman’s shack for sale. Firstly, who wouldn’t want to live on a lake that they cannot, for the love of all that is holy, pronounce? And secondly, who wouldn’t want to say that they live in a shack? I mean, there are quality homes like these everywhere in Canada. You have to do your research. Or just walk around.

Idyllic!

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living in canada, Surroundings

The Real Deal

The $1 coin. Isn't this everything you've ever wanted AND MORE?

So apparently the US is not the only country that makes those insane collector’s edition coins that no one actually uses–they just end up collecting dust and making you one step closer to being featured on Hoarders: Buried Alive. Canada has come out with their own, bizarre version that has been deemed important and I, for one, don’t understand why.

The Royal Canadian Mint (Really? The Canadian Mint is royal? Just because Canada is part of the commonwealth-which reminds me of welfare for some reason-doesn’t mean everything is royal. But whatevs.) is producing 5 special coins to celebrate the fact that they were the first country to have National Parks. Which is cute I guess.

The special $1 coin will be called Parks Canada Centennial Coin. SO CREATIVE. An article described the coin like so:

” intricate and detailed design features stylized land, air and aquatic fauna, varieties of flora, as well as a symbolic park building and the silhouette of a hiker framed by a snow-capped mountain range.”

A bit of a stretch. Is “aquatic fauna” even a real term?

The $2 (toonie…puke) is called the Boreal Forest Coin. What.

They are releasing 3 quarters named Wood Bison, Orca, Peregrine Falcon, respectively. I’m sure you can imagine what those will look like. Not good. And why did they only decide to make 3 quarters? Why not 4 so people could have a whole collector’s dollar? Nahhh makes too much sense/cents. Okay in all seriousness, puns are so gross.

I just did some coin research. Something that I never thought I would ever say. And I guess there is a Canadian Coin Club. Pshhahaha. They have coins that are worth up to $200. WHY would anyone ever need those. The only reason someone would use a sack of hundred-dollar coins is to give to the queen for permission to circumnavigate the globe. They would be handy if we had an apocalypse and had to use our resources to stay alive.  I guess $200 dollar coins are a pretty decent resource.

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Driving, living in canada

In Tents (intense…get it?)

No, but you can burn that shirt.

Okay so I am sure everyone and their grandma has heard about Occupy Wall Street. I really don’t have time for those people sitting in the cold and protesting. Look, I find things to be upset about every day, but you don’t see me crying about them (publicly).

The other day my husband and I were driving around downtown Victoria and there were about 10 tents set up around city hall. As per usual I was confused and asked Paul what they were doing. He said that they were “Victoria’s version of Occupy Wall Street.” I cackled after he told me this. Full cackle.

So I guess the Canadian activist group Adbusters started the demonstration-protesting social and economic inequality. So basically, Canada is to blame for Occupy Wall Street. I mean, lets think about this for a second. Inequality is always going to be around. There are always going to be people in better circumstances and there are always going to be people in worse ones. That’s just the way the world works…unless you’re living in Communist Russia.Which could be a fun change of scenery–plus you get to wear those furry hats and pretend that you’re Evelyn Salt.

But whatever. I guess its cute that people are fighting for something. Although, maybe people should be more like this girl:

I guess I would be the 1% that doesn’t really care at all. I didn’t even want to educate myself on the issue until about 5 minutes ago.

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Judging

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

High Fashion: Canadian Style.

While I was sitting on the couch yesterday stuffing envelopes for my friend’s job (BECAUSE I’M SUCH A GOOD PAL/have absolutely nothing to do all day) I decided to watch Canada’s E! channel.

At home (Chicagoland) I’m what you would refer to as an “E! enthusiast.” I know every show on that channel and have seen every episode of those shows at least 5 times. It gets to the point where I have memorized episodes and mouth what everyone on the show is saying. Its a gift.

Well, Canadian E! is a little different from the E! I know and love. They still play stuff from the regular E! channel, but they have Canadian stuff mixed in too. Most of it is backstage at fashion shows (which is awesome) but they also have a lot of coverage of celebs who are in Canada– basically no one except the Biebs, really.

The other day they had coverage from Toronto Fashion Week. It seemed like an oxymoron to me. I know I have said this before, but I do not find Canada stylish in the least. Only because no one makes an effort. And because everyone’s Canadian.  I was kind of surprised that top designers were willing to have their designs on parade in Canada. Who would buy them? Unless they were offering a 2012 spring line of yoga pants, I doubt anyone here would be interested. But I suppose different cities have different styles. Maybe Toronto is super chic and I’m missing out on all the fun over here on the west coast. I doubt it though.

One woman that they interviewed (I didn’t get her name…because I didn’t care) said something along the lines of, “Yeah it’s great here in Toronto. The tents look just like ones in Mexico City Fashion Week–where I just came from.” Ummmm Toronto, you need to step it up a notch if you look the same as Mexico City’s Fash Week. I didn’t even know Mexico City was allowed to have one.

Also, speaking of fashion week–this is very unrelated, but its basically my favorite thing right now.

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canada

The Majestic Maple

In all it's glory.

The other day my mom decided that it was about time to talk about the Canadian maple leaf. And when my mom decides something, it will happen.

She inquired about how the maple leaf is often used as a logo more than a symbol. It is (as I have recently found out) used on many restaurant chains, fliers, websites, etc. Paul was saying that the maple leaf makes people happy. Its the equivalent of saying “American Made”. I don’t know about you, but I prefer all of my goods  custom made in Chile. But that’s just a personal preference.

My mom also made another good observation–a maple leaf is really hard to draw. I’m not sure aboot Canada, but in the US, elementary schools force kids to draw American flags every year for one reason or another. Stars and stripes are pretty straight forward. A maple leaf though? Forgettaboutit.

Although, my mom said that she admires the simplicity that is the Canadian flag. She described the red as “bold and crisp”. And, while I do agree with her, I think saying that is super gay.

Let us not forget the many flags that include the color blue: USA, U.K., France, Australia, Norway, Cambodia, Chile, Cuba, Czech Republic, Faroe Islands (obvi), Iceland, North Korea, Laos, Luxembourg, Nepal, Netherlands, Panama, Puerto Rico, Russia, Samoa, Serbia and Montenegro, Slovakia, Slovenia, and Thailand. To name a few.

How many flags are only red and white? Canada, Austria, Bahrain, Denmark, Georgia, Greenland, Indonesia, Japan, Latvia, Poland, Switzerland, Singapore, Tonga, Turkey, and Peru. These countries may all have life and liberty, but they are missing the pursuit of happiness. And I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.

Lastly, my mom asked what kind of leaf the USA would have on their flag. Lets just be clear–the USA would not pull that kind of ridiculousness with something as permanent and symbolic as a national flag. But if I had to choose, it would probably be an Oak leaf because that’s our national tree apparently.

And now it's perfectly clear why our founding fathers decided against the whole leaf idea.

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Food, Holidays, Stores

Update

Yep. This really exists.

I was in the grocery store the other day and I saw this magazine on the shelf. Really though?  Apparently they have it in the US too, but I just don’t want to believe that. What kind of people purchase this thing? I’ll tell you what kind of people–the worst kind.

Speaking of the grocery store, we decided to go to Safeway instead of the many bizarre Canadian alternatives: Thrifty Foods, Fairway Market, Peppers, Zellers, Oxford Foods…the list goes on. At home, my fave grocery store (yes, I have a fave) is Dominick’s. When I first took Paul to my beloved Domi’s he said “this is the same as Safeway” and “Safeway is Dominick’s parent company” to which I replied, “No.” Well, to my surprise, Safeway is just like Domi’s and they might be related somehow. I felt so much at home when I walked inside. If I ever get homesick, I am going to walk the aisles of Safeway. Seems normal.

In other news, I made 24 funfetti cupcakes. I don’t know why vanilla cupcakes taste better with rainbow sprinkles in the batter, but they just do. I also bought a bag of those mini reese’s cups and ate them in one sitting. I haven’t been eating well, but I also haven’t been gaining that much weight. I am going to see how long I can ride this no-weight-gain-train. Hopefully I didn’t just jinx myself. Also, whoever invented Munchies is a genius.

Halloween is coming up–thankfully the Canadians have it on the 31st as well. I don’t know how many more fake holidays I could take. Our upstairs neighbors are having a Halloween party and Paul and I still don’t have our costumes–typical. Paul has also informed me that he has never seen Nightmare Before Christmas. Apparently he’s  grossed out that all of the emo/goth kids wear the movie merchandise. I mean, he has a point. There are people that are just destroying the movie’s credibility. Nevertheless, I am making him watch it. Also, if anyone has any costume ideas for us, please help us out! Or don’t.

 

 

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Food, Judging

Creep Fest 2011

This is what I assume she looks like.

Paul and I live at the end of the hall in our apartment building. As we walk down the hall, the first door on the right houses the strangest woman ever. Maybe not ever, but she is super creepy and probably inbred. Not that I have ever gotten a good look at her in fear of turning into stone.

Firstly, her door is always open. I don’t mean this in a sweet, hospitable way. I mean that her door is literally always cracked open and she has a make-shift shower curtain up to block people from peaking in. A shower curtain. In her doorway. I guess that’s a thing now.

Secondly, she is always making some sort of food that smells like a rotting carcass. Maybe if she closed her door I wouldn’t have to gag and run for sanctuary in my place. My upstairs neighbor believes the crazy lady was cooking  cow tongue. I don’t know which is more revolting: the fact that she might have been eating tongue, or that fact that someone I consider a friend knows what cow tongue smells like. I’m currently re-evaluating our friendship.

Lastly, this same friend  has talked to the crazy shower curtain lady and apparently she showed him her butt. Lovely. I mean, I guess I’m kind of jealous. And by jealous I mean that I want to throw up. He should probably wash his eyes out with vodka.

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